Yes, you heard right.
That’s $6,952 which might as well be rounded up to $7,000. Factor in another six visits, at $100 each, to measure the depth of my gum pockets (1’s are excellent, 2’s and 3’s are acceptable, and 4’s and 5’s are a gateway to more gum surgery), and you know what this all means? We’re talking mega-bucks!
In other words, kids, if you’re listening, don’t let this happen to you! Start flossing your teeth right away–as in this very second!!
For the way I see it, I’ve invested so much mulah in my mouth, I might as well be wrapping each tooth in a $100 bill. I’m telling you, I’d be better off having my gums removed altogether. Take that, you darn, receding gum pockets!
Plus, when you include the cost of braces, 11 cavity fillings, removal of three wisdom teeth, and two crowns and one root canal, my mouth is so expensive I’m going to have to rewrite my will to add which one of my lucky kids gets to inherit my sinkhole of a mouth.
Or maybe I should just will it to science. Yeah, that’s the ticket. After all, there must be at least one dental hygienist-in-training who’s chomping at the bit to study the horror within.
Consider this: If instead of paying for these countless procedures all these years, I had just let my mouth go, think what I could’ve done with the money. Traveled around the world, put a down payment on a second home in the San Juan Islands, learned the Tango–in Argentina–or visited my blogger friend, Kathy in Ecuador.
Maybe all this time I could’ve been driving a Lamborghini to work and rubbing shoulders with the creme de la creme of society at my local health club instead of working out at the Boys and Girls Club. (No offense, Boys & Girls Club, but you’re not as tony as the fitness center, where it’s rumored that Brad Pitt once got all sweaty working out.)
I could’ve taken a helicopter ride to work at least once, and left said Lamborghini in the garage. I could’ve gone out to eat at the most expensive restaurant in town and declared, “Hey everyone, drinks are on me!”
I could’ve used the money to climb Mt. Everest, go parasailing or even bungee jumping or–oh, wait a minute. What was I thinking? I’m not a risk taker.
So now you know. This ain’t no potty mouth. It’s a fancy shmancy mouth that, if you ask me, needs its own bodyguards. In fact, I should register it with Lloyd’s of London. Send it out on the talk-show circuit. Ellen, Katie, Steve Harvey, Jimmy Fallon and Whoopi, get ready for the interview of your lives!
When all is said and done, I bet I’ve invested $100,000 into this stinking mouth, and with inflation it’s probably closer to an even mil. So, don’t anybody talk to me! Don’t ask me questions or expect any answers. From now on, this old mouth is staying shut for its own sake.
After all, I’ve got to protect my pearly whites and the gums they’re attached to from potential vandals. You never know who might want a piece of this action. On second thought, I do know. It’s the very person who has already been leveraging my mouth for all it’s worth.
Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s built his fortune on the back of my gums. For all I know, I’m his only patient. After all, with all these gum ailments, why would he need anyone else?
Just me and my big mouth.
And that’s the truth!
So tell me, has anything like this ever happened to you?