Me & My Big Mouth

So I figured it out. I’ve had eight oral surgeries to repair the sorriest case of gums you ever did see. And at $869 a pop, that equals a whopping $6,952.BigMouthClub3_1291830975

Yes, you heard right.

That’s $6,952 which might as well be rounded up to $7,000. Factor in another six visits, at $100 each, to measure the depth of my gum pockets (1’s are excellent, 2’s and 3’s are acceptable, and 4’s and 5’s are a gateway to more gum surgery), and you know what this all means? We’re talking mega-bucks!

In other words, kids, if you’re listening, don’t let this happen to you! Start flossing your teeth right away–as in this very second!!

For the way I see it, I’ve invested so much mulah  in my mouth, I might as well be wrapping each tooth in a $100 bill. I’m telling you, I’d be better off having my gums removed altogether. Take that, you darn, receding gum pockets!

Plus, when you include the cost of braces, 11 cavity fillings, removal of three wisdom teeth, and two crowns and one root canal, my mouth is so expensive I’m going to have to rewrite my will to add which one of my lucky kids gets to inherit my sinkhole of a mouth.

Thanks to my big mouth, this could be my story!

Thanks to my big mouth, this could be my story!

Or maybe I should just will it to science. Yeah, that’s the ticket. After all, there must be at least one dental hygienist-in-training who’s chomping at the bit to study the horror within.

Consider this: If instead of paying for these countless procedures all these years, I had just let my mouth go, think what I could’ve done with the money. Traveled around the world, put a down payment on a second home in the San Juan Islands, learned the Tango–in Argentina–or visited my blogger friend, Kathy in Ecuador.

Maybe all this time I could’ve been driving a Lamborghini to work and rubbing shoulders with the creme de la creme of society at my local health club instead of working out at the Boys and Girls Club. (No offense, Boys & Girls Club, but you’re not as tony as the fitness center, where it’s rumored that Brad Pitt once got all sweaty working out.)

I could’ve taken a helicopter ride to work at least once, and left said Lamborghini in the garage. I could’ve gone out to eat at the most expensive restaurant in town and declared, “Hey everyone, drinks are on me!”

I could’ve used the money to climb Mt. Everest, go parasailing or even bungee jumping or–oh, wait a minute. What was I thinking? I’m not a risk taker.

So now you know. This ain’t no potty mouth. It’s a fancy shmancy mouth that, if you ask me, needs its own bodyguards. In fact, I should register it with Lloyd’s of London. Send it out on the talk-show circuit. Ellen, Katie, Steve Harvey, Jimmy Fallon and Whoopi, get ready for the interview of your lives!


These “bodyguards” are doing a heck of a job guarding my chops. So why is my big mouth laughing?

When all is said and done, I bet I’ve invested $100,000 into this stinking mouth, and with inflation it’s probably closer to an even mil. So, don’t anybody talk to me! Don’t ask me questions or expect any answers. From now on, this old mouth is staying shut for its own sake.

After all, I’ve got to protect my pearly whites and the gums they’re attached to from potential vandals. You never know who might want a piece of this action. On second thought, I do know. It’s the very person who has already been leveraging my mouth for all it’s worth.

My periodontist!

Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s built his fortune on the back of my gums. For all I know, I’m his only patient. After all, with all these gum ailments, why would he need anyone else?

Just me and my big mouth.

And that’s the truth!

So tell me, has anything like this ever happened to you?

27 thoughts on “Me & My Big Mouth

  1. When I saw what my mom had to go through having all her upper level teeth replaced (and part of her lowers) I vowed to take MUCH better care of my teeth than I had…now after reading yours I’m flossing as we speak! Of course I am rather fortunate to live in Southern California close to the Mexican Boarder and have gone to dentists in Mexico the last couple of years. The costs are about 1/3 what dentists charge here at home and my dentist in Rosarito was actually trained here in the U.S. Still, prevention is ALWAYS the best step. Thanks for this reminder!

    • You’re smart to find a dentist in Mexico. It seems more and more are doing it, because it’s crazy what we have to pay here. Anyway, glad I could help. Learn from my mistakes, is my motto! Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  2. So sorry, nothing is worse than mouth pain. I wore braces for 6 years (yes really), my jaw was too small for all my adult teeth so I had to have two on top and two on the bottom pulled before they were put on (this was many years ago). Then I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled (at one time). For the most part though, since then nothing. But I am pretty careful.

    • Val, after a while you get used to the pain. In fact, my periodontist prescribes Vicodin for me and I refuse to take it because the one time I did, I got sick to my stomach. So, I’m a brave little soldier and I just deal. I only had 3 wisdom teeth pulled because I only had 3. The 4th never came in, thank goodness.

  3. I’ve had one nightmarish episode with oral surgery, but I’ve come to joke about the real marker of age: molars that are mostly filling and, little by little, need to be replaced with crowns. I go through periods where I’m afraid to bite down on almonds for fear of cracking the thin wall of a tooth. Go ahead, laugh.

  4. Well, thanks for the shout out, Monica! What you might have done, or do in the future, is come to Ecuador for your oral surgery. Dental tourism is HUGE here, as the same kind of work can be done here for a fraction of the cost, probably about 20% of what one would pay in the US, and you get to spend the excess on vacation–and still save about 50%. You even have a place to stay!

    Hugs from Ecuador,

  5. Uh oh Monica, you’re as valuable as the Lorraine Schwartz jewellery the stars wear on the red carpet, except that you get to keep your mouth instead of having to return it. Mmmm imagine if we could exchange one mouth for another. Oh I would like that .. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure so much pain. Not fun at all.
    I’m watching my gums like a hawk and flossing like crazy in the mean time. Yet another thing to keep track of. Sigh.

    • MM, I may be as valuable as Lorraine Schwartz jewelry, but no one seems to care. Not even my periodontist. Sigh. As for the pain, it only lasts about a week. The worst is this clay contraption they stick in your mouth to cover the stitches. It’s got the nastiest taste and has to stay in there for two weeks! Yuck.

  6. The first thing I was thinking, reading this, is, Wow, what PAIN you must’ve endured! I am one of those perfectionist Virgos so yes, I floss. Every day. Wouldn’t even dream of going to bed without flossing. I don’t like pain — of ANY kind — and I’m sorry you’ve had to endure it. It must be sort of maddening to have expended so much money on having dental work done, too. You’ve got my sympathy — this should be required reading for anybody contemplating a life without floss!

    • Debbie, I grew up being negligent at flossing, though when I was a kid, flossing didn’t even exist (to my knowledge). My dentist never said anything. Of course, he would always give me a lollipop after my checkup so go figure!

  7. Phew, that’s one valuable mouth!!!!!

    WE have the National Health Service here but most people have dental plans as the NHS is not free for dental work.

    You reckon about one million for your dental work. When you think about it that’s a small price to pay when overall I reckon you’re priceless….

    There are two professions to go into to make money. Be a dentist or be a vet, then you will have it made…..

  8. I think I should push my kids into the dental profession. That’s where the big bucks are. Though I hear there are all kinds of back problems from leaning over one way all day.

    • My periodontist doesn’t lean over. He just sits in his comfy chair and chills while telling a chimp what to do. After all, chimps can get around easily and have boundless energy! 😉

    • I wish it did, and if truth be known, my dental insurance covers some of it. Still, I’m just saying. I’ve had to pay out a lot in the last couple of years. And it’s not as if it’s noticeable. It’s not as if I can say, hey look at my new nose, nice and slender. No. Who wants to look at these gums? To the naked eye they look no different than any other gums. In fact, I think all my doctor is doing is moving my gum tissue around. Grafting a little there, moving some here, a pinch removed from there, etc. You get the picture.

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