An Open Letter to California

An Open Letter to California

Dear California,

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but you rock. Not in an earthquake kind of way, but in a good way.

After all, I’m so grateful you didn’t cave to peer pressure and send to Southern California that ridiculously, bitter cold weather that the rest of the country has succumbed to lately. What is it they call it? Oh yeah, Polar Vortex, which I assume is supposed to scare the bejezus out of you, like calling LA freeway closures, “Carmageddon.” Even Florida got in on the arctic act and that’s a state that tends to go rogue in every election. Continue reading

Next Time, Stay Home!

Next Time, Stay Home!

For all the folks who went to visit family for the holidays, and are now snow-bound in some airport, trying desperately to return home, (I’m talking to you, Clare and Jill!) here’s a solution for the future. Save yourself some trouble and–

STAY HOME! Continue reading

I Want My Warm Weather Back!

To all of you living in Chicago, New York, Minneapolis, St. Louis, Washington D.C. and the like:

Here in Southern California, we haven't seen temperatures above 60 degrees ever since our warm weather was kidnapped and moved to Chicago, New York and the like. (photo: Lee Wag)

I know where your cold weather went. It’s here in San Diego, and it’s waiting for you to claim it.

Yep, I saw what you did. Don’t think I can’t see you, wearing your tees, flip-flops and shorts on Lake Michigan, thinking you’re so cool enjoying your unusually mild weather. Sure, there you are, playing Frisbee, which is so out of the norm where you live. But trust me, it’s par for the course here. All YEAR ROUND. At least, it was until you absconded with it!

So give it up, hand it over and stop your tomfoolery. Stat.

For, I know what you’re up to. You are holding our warm, balmy weather hostage and we’re not falling for it.

Furthermore, the ransom you are requesting is moot. Non-negotiable, as we, who live in Southern California, already pay a heft price for the privilege of our warm, comfortable climate. The rent alone is highway robbery. And our motto is: Not a penny more!

So, give us our weather back now. After all, we don’t do well with these blustery, icy-cold record low temps we’re having. We’re absolutely freezing here! We don’t own the wardrobe for this kind of weather—and we don’t know how to drive in it. Do you know how many accidents we had this weekend, all because of the freezing rain and hail? Well, I don’t know either, but I’m pretty sure it was at least, a gazillion.

What’s more, there’s been a shortage of hot cocoa mix in the grocery stores and a run on umbrellas and scarves since your cold weather arrived. And, last I checked, they’re no longer making fur-lined bikinis, for those daring enough to still go in the ocean.

So, whatever you did to get rid of your lousy weather, undo it now. Hop on a plane and come pick it up, or give us your mailing address and we’ll get it shipped back. Heck, I’ll even cover the costs of overnight shipping.

And in return, all we ask, all we want, is our WARM WEATHER BACK! And that includes the sun!

Now, if you still insist on keeping our weather, then don’t come back and whine when you start experiencing wild fires, mudslides and earthquakes. After all, these little bundles of nature go hand in hand. Quid pro quo.

So, I’m closing my eyes and counting to 100. And, when I open them, my good weather better be back and your icy temps gone, once and for all. No questions asked. Let bygones be bygones and old acquaintance be forgot, and, well, you get my drift. Deal?