Save the Pony Express!

Remember when the mail was delivered by Pony Express? Well, neither do I.

But that’s beside the point. Friends, the United States Postal Service is in dire straights, and it’s been coming on for some time. Which is why there’s no way around it, but to enlist your help.

Yep, it looks like it’s going to be up to us to save the U.S. Postal Service from becoming the next dinosaur. And I’m not referring to those prehistoric creatures from the Fred Flintstone era.  I’m talking dinosaur as in the LP record, the iceman cometh, go-go boots, and, of course, the most recent addition to the extinction list: Blockbuster Video stores.

No doubt, you’ve read the news that, in order to survive, as well as save money, the post office last year appealed to Congress to eliminate Saturday delivery—and, frankly, the way we use postal service, would anyone really have noticed if there was no mail on Saturdays?

But Congress won’t allow them to save money that way. I imagine it’s because they’re waiting for a big, fat check from their bookie, the proceeds of a bet they won by questionable means. Or maybe they just want to see how many times they can make the postman always ring twice.

Sans congress’ aid, it’s up to us to save the postal service. One letter at a time. Which is why I’m working on an entirely new marketing campaign for them, coming to a mailbox near you, assuming you still have one and know how to use it. Drumroll, please! The slogan is:

Let’s Go Retro!

 Yes, it’s time to turn back the clock and quit relying on the Internet for all your communication and product-ordering, and bill-paying needs. Instead, it’s time to start spreading the news and go retro!

What exactly does this mean?

It means doing your part, and mailing something—anything—instead of relying on the ease of the web. For example:

Instead of emailing your mother to see if she has time to do your laundry this weekend, send her a letter. Like your mother always said, “Lick it, put a stamp on it, and send it to someone who cares.” Even if she does live down the block. She remembers what it’s like to receive letters and will be thrilled to get yours.

And while you’re at it, consider putting more postage on your letter than necessary. That way the postal service will make a profit and the extra funds will help their bottom line.

This U.S. Postal worker wants you to save the postal service from extinction.

Request a catalog via mail, from your favorite retailer, rather than perusing their products online.

And speaking of catalogs, let’s bring back the Sears catalog, and the Spiegel one, too, for that matter. These catalogs were once nice and thick, sure to cost a pretty penny to mail. Plus, they’re filled with oodles and oodles of  products waiting to be delivered–via snailmail–to your home. Isn’t it time you ordered a Princess telephone for your cousin, Lulu?

Instead of text messaging your friend, Pierre, about going to a movie tonight, drop him a line about seeing one next week or the week after. What? Can’t you plan ahead just once? Sure, it’s not as impromptu, but that’s not the point. Your goal is to help the post office, not make things more convenient for yourself.

Did you borrow some eggs and a cup of sugar from your neighbor, Daisy, to make your favorite brownie recipe? Well, don’t go knocking on her door to replace said borrowed items. Put the eggs and sugar in a shoebox, wrap it up and mail it. And, it’s okay to save money by sending the package via bulk mail. Daisy will get it in a week or two, and be most appreciative that you remembered to return the items at all.

Did Uncle Harry give you a chainsaw for your birthday, and it turns out you already owned one? Pop it in the mail and return it to him. Remember to write on the package, “Chainsaw enclosed, do not bend.” This way, the post office won’t wonder why the box is so heavy and rattling.

Instead of “Liking” all your favorite organizations and products on Facebook, write them each a long letter, describing in detail just how much they have made your life more fulfilling as a result of having them in it. I’m sure Doritos and Home Depot will be eternally grateful.

Planning to place an order for a pair of shoes on Zappos? Print an order form and mail it with a check, instead of ordering directly through their website. This is a win-win, for, not only are you helping the post office, but doing it this way will also help you avoid credit card fraud.

These are just a few ideas. If you have any suggestions for saving the post office, please leave a comment below. Better yet, leave the comment, print it, then mail it, c/o WordPress.

Remember, friends, we are in serious danger of losing this bastion of our society: The United States Postal Service. And you know what they say.

It takes a village to raise a child—and a gazillion villages to save the U.S. mail!