I may be able to retire soon! And it’s all thanks to the following:

Crate and Barrel

A computer I once had

My bank

My neighborhood grocery store

But most of all, it’s thanks to being at the WRONG place at the RIGHT time—or is it the right place at the wrong time? Either way, I’ve hit gold, and the reason can be summed up in one word:

Class Action Suit

Ok, that’s three words. Well, apparently, while I’ve been sleeping and doing about a gazillion other things, my name has been bandied about and added to many a class action suit list.  You know what I’m talking about, right?

A class action suit is when a large group of people collectively bring a claim to court in order to sue an entity for damages or irreparable harm or something like that. Though, if you ask me, I don’t think I suffered much trauma the day I shopped at Crate and Barrel. Yet, somehow I got tangled in the lawsuit’s web.

Apparently, when these collective groups decide to sue, they don’t necessarily ask me if I want in, nor do they tell me what the fracas was about. I didn’t know bubkis until I got a letter in the mail informing me about the suit and of my rights as a citizen of the free world.

Of course, my first reaction is always, “Huh? What do I have to do with this class action suit?”

But, once I figure it out (actually, I never do), then I jump on board the bandwagon—hitching my wagon to the class action star!

By the time the letter arrives, the suit is well underway, and, if you ask me, reading the letter is like reading gobbledygook. I know this because I’m a pro at recognizing gobbledygook when I see it and I see it all the time. Usually on IRS 1040 forms, credit card notices, divorce papers, and so on.

Somewhere in the class action letter it tells me what to if I don’t want to be included in the suit, but I never get that far. I usually pass out halfway down the first page. I figure it’s too much trouble to exclude myself, anyway. Besides, you never know what you’re going to get by staying the course.

As I see it, class action suits are a great way to meet friends with common interests or a common cause. I always assume that when the case is finally settled, we’ll all go out for a drink, or maybe one of us will host a party so we can collectively celebrate and count our winnings. Of course, so far this hasn’t happened, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

I must look like I have what it takes to be a member of these prestigious groups of litigants, as I’ve been part of at least a dozen this past year alone:

I received a $15 gift card to Crate and Barrel because of some dispute involving a mistake in their cash register system and, apparently, only those who shopped in any of their stores over a three-day period were eligible. Bingo! I happened to go in on one of those days!

A suit was brought against my local supermarket and the upshot, as part of the settlement, I received a year’s worth of $9 coupons to be used once a month on groceries.

Last month, I received a check for $8 from Dell computers because five years ago, I owned one and yada yada, yada, we won! They must have heard that my Dell crashed and I lost all my files, so I assume the $8 was compensation for that loss.

A few days later, I received $35 from a dispute involving Bank of America. I don’t know why, but thank you, BofA! (Sidebar: By the way, BofA, I find it ironic that the check I received was issued by another bank. Does that mean you don’t bank at your own bank?  I wonder…)

These class action suits seem to be growing on trees and I’m definitely in the thick of them.  Today, I received two more notifications of suits that are pending. One is from Walmart, and it involves Netflix. And, like the other suits, all I have to do is:

NOTHING!

And I’ll be eligible to receive whatever settlement comes out of it. I can’t wait to find out!

So, how about you? Have you initiated a class action suit or been involved in one lately? Do tell!