Tag Archives: Divorce

Responding to Hannah’s Question

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Few of us are ever ready for shared custody. Seems incomprehensible and so unfair to have to give up our child for a week, a weekend or even for a day. You didn’t bargain for this. You went into the marriage believing it was forever, till death do you part, and that you’d raise your children together. Then divorce happens and frankly, it’s rotten. But you are stuck with it. So, it’s up to you to decide: Continue reading →

Second Saturday (aka, Divorce 101)

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The funny thing about divorce is that it’s not something you learn how to deal with in advance. Sure, my high school taught me all about Home Economics–how to bake cookies, set a table, and sew a stitch. We had Driver’s Ed classes, too. But, I don’t recall any classes on the in’s and out’s of untying the knot. No siree, Bob!

Candace Bahr and Ginita Wall. Photo credit: Jim Spadoni.

And, if such a class had existed, who among us would have signed up for it? After all, don’t we all want to believe that when we marry, it’s for good? Happily ever after, till death do us part, and all that.

Had there been such a class, I might have been ready when my marriage hit the skids. Maybe I wouldn’t have been free falling, and feeling like it was the end of the world.

And, it wasn’t. More like the end of a dream. The dream of a house with the proverbial white picket fence, a dad and mom with kids, a tail-wagging dog and perhaps, a fluffy cat in the yard.

Instead, my reality was a husband with cheating ways, a house with a crab-grass lawn and ants wreaking havoc in the kitchen, and one over-flowing toilet. Plus, we didn’t have a dog—royal or otherwise—but we did have a cat that loved peeing on everything. The only part I seemed to have gotten right were the kids, and I don’t know what I would have done without them.

Ah, divorce. Suffice it to say, I was miserable during that time. And, I was flailing. But then, I learned of a workshop, called:

Second Saturday Divorce Workshops

I signed up and, I will tell you, taking that workshop was the beginning for me. It gave me an inkling of hope, something I hadn’t felt in a long time, and made me realize I wasn’t alone, as I sat in the classroom surrounded by women facing the demise of their marriages–and their dreams. It was like discovering there was a manual all along, on how to get started, figure out finances, family law and also, on how to get through the emotional roller coaster that comes with divorce.

They say knowledge is power, and I certainly felt empowered after taking the class. I even found a therapist through the Second Saturday workshop, one who offered a group therapy that focused on connecting with your emotions through–

WRITING!!

Talk about tailor made for me! I loved, loved, LOVED my therapy and looked forward to each session. Today, I thank my lucky stars that I enrolled in Second Saturday, a workshop that, to be honest, I haven’t thought about in years. Not until I sat down to interview two financial experts, and soon discovered that they are the brains behind Second Saturday, which is now available in over 40 states!

Candace Bahr and Ginita Wall have dedicated themselves to helping women with their finances, through their nonprofit website, WIFE.org (Women’s Institute for Financial Education). Not only are they responsible for creating the divorce workshops, their website is a must for any woman.

WIFE.org offers countless tips and free resources, such as:

  1. The 21-Day Makeover, where you can sign up to receive daily tips for three weeks, that will help you get on track for being debt-free and saving; and
  2. A Money Club, in which you and your friends can get together and help each other improve your finances. The tools to get started are all there—and it’s free!

In honor of March being Women’s History Month, be sure to check out my interview with Wall and Bahr. I think you’ll agree, their motto is a sound one:

A Man is Not a Financial Plan

Walk for Animals Update: In other news, you’ve been so generous in making contributions for the upcoming San Diego Humane Society’s Walk for Animals and, because of this, I’ve decided to hand out two awards, not just one.

So, congratulations to Valentine Logar and Susan McBeth!

You will each receive a Kindle copy of Little Boy Blue by Kim Kavin. Please contact me at monicastangledweb@gmail.com and let me know the email address you would like me to use in order to gift you the Kindle book.

And, to all who have contributed to the Walk for Animals, Henry and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

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Just in time for the new year, I offer a gleam of hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know, because I have reached it. It took a while. Years, really, but I know it’s there because I’ve been there. So, if you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, or if you have been touched by it in some way, or know someone who is contemplating one, please read my blog on the Huffington Post site.

Even if you’re just going through some hard times right now, this one’s for you. It’s my latest piece, The Light at the End of the Tunnel. Check it out, and may 2012 be the year that you, too, reach the other end of the tunnel.

For those of you who have already reached the light at the end of your tunnel, what advice would you share with others who may be still trudging along?

It’s Official, I’m a Contributor!

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What do Marlo Thomas, Alec Baldwin, Harry Shearer and yours truly have in common? We’re all unabashedly brilliant people? Nah.

Huffington Post Blogger Extraordinaire and Actor, Alec Baldwin--and star of NBC's 30 Rock, too!

We’ve all got chutzpah with a side of moxie?  Getting warmer.

That we all star in NBC’s 30 Rock and have won countless Emmy’s?

Nope! Only one of us can claim that.

So, what’s the number one thing we all share? Drum roll, please…

We’re all bloggers for The Huffington Post! 

Yes, I can now safely say, it’s official. With six posts under my belt, I’m happy to report that I’m a regular contributor to the Huffington Post! Of course some of you already know this, but for those of you who don’t, you should know that I’m pleased as punch in July. And, knock on wood, if I play my cards right, this is only the beginning.

Turns out, I have a thing or two to say about divorce. In fact, having been through one, I am now considered in some circles (consisting of me and my dog, Henry), to be an expert! I can tell you just about anything you need to know about divorce and you can trust my expertise, as much as you can trust anything you read in Wikipedia.  And honestly, you can take that to the bank!

Starting soon, I’ll also be blogging for The Huffington Post’s new section, Huff/Post 50, for which I’ve already contributed my first piece!  This is a new section just for people like me.  And by that, I mean, Baby Boomers.  Finally, a section we can call our own! I definitely know a thing or two about what it’s like to be a Boomer.

So, if you want to know more, just visit my bio at the HuffPo web site (Now that I’m on their blogger payroll—which means I receive no monetary compensation—I can refer to The Huffington Post by its nickname: HuffPo). I’m told it’s an insider thing and a term that only insiders—like me!—get to use. Which makes me pretty special, don’t you think?  You can also see a list of my posts, here on my blog, by clicking on My Huffington Post Stories page.

So the next time you have a question about divorce or the Baby Boomer generation, just ask me! Drop me a line, post a comment, and maybe I’ll respond by writing it up for The Huffington Post!

Now, if I can only get to meet Arianna.  Then, my life would be complete!  Who knows? Maybe I’ll even get invited to Arianna’s holiday party (assuming she has one). And maybe Alec Baldwin will want me to give him a ride there. That would be très spectacular!

I can’t wait to see what’s in store next for me now that I’ve hitched my wagon to The Huffington Post star. Whoopee!

Songs in the Key of Divorce

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When I was a kid I’d imagine a soundtrack to my life, just like the people in the movies. When Audrey Hepburn goes traipsing through the streets of New York, Henry Mancini‘s haunting melody, Moon River, follows her all the way to Tiffany’s. It’s the same for John Voight and Dustin Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy, only this time it’s Harry Nilsson’s Everybody’s Talkin’.

So why not a soundtrack for me as I jauntily made my way through the streets of Flushing, New York? No such luck.  Henry Mancini wouldn’t give me the time of day. Ditto for Harry Nilsson. And forget John Williams. My Star Wars theme song just wasn’t in the cards.

But then something happened when my divorce was larger than life—consuming every waking moment—and haunting my dead-of-night dreams. Hands down, this was one of the most agonizing, unforgiving chapters of my life.

And so I invented my own soundtrack.  One created out of necessity, to help me cope and find sanity—and a bit of comfort, too. There are many stages in divorce and, lucky me, I didn’t miss a single one. So herewith are the songs that accompanied me during each of these phases:

Phase One: Shock, Denial  – Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You

Whitney Houston’s songs in The Bodyguard soundtrack got me through this stage. I was still having strong feelings for my ex, despite his shameless ways. I was still in denial that my marriage was over and my damn heart wasn’t ready to believe the worst, let alone move on. Perhaps, I needed Cher to yell at me to “SNAP OUT OF IT!” Sans that, Whitney voiced my emotions best.

Phase Two: Mourning – Carly Simon’s Coming Around Again

This was the period when Carly Simon’s songs from the film, Heartburn, became my constant companion. In Heartburn, Meryl’s character is pregnant and married to Jack Nicholson, a louse who cheats on her. Boy, could I relate! I wasn’t pregnant but, at the time, my youngest was still in diapers. A lot of the songs on this album are empowering, including my favorite, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, which is a twist on the childhood ditty. Coming Around Again gave me the kind of hope that springs eternal, representing my “I’m-a-survivor-like-Meryl-Street-in-Heartburn” period. It also showed me that the only solution to my divorce hell was the one that involved leaving my marriage behind, and moving on.

Phase Three: Rebuilding and S-l-o-w-l-y Moving On – Sting’s album, Ten Summoner’s Tales.

Can you believe I never listened to Sting before my divorce? Sure, I was familiar with The Police, but  Sting was already on his own and my marriage was unraveling around the time that this album came out. These songs put me in a different state of mind, making me feel like I was worth something. Sting’s music helped me rebuild my shattered self-esteem. Songs like, She’s Too Good for Me and Fields of Gold.

Phase Four: On My Own – U-2’s Joshua Tree

Pre-divorce, the only Bono I knew of was Sonny. But Bono of U-2 fame became my latest obsession after hearing a duet he sang with Frank Sinatra on, I’ve Got You Under My Skin. And boy, did Bono get under my skin, with his ultra sexy, bedroom voice.  I couldn’t get enough of this guy and then my friend Hellen, told me about U-2 and gave me the Joshua Tree CD. One play and I was smitten. Three songs made all the difference for me:  Where the Streets Have No Name, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, and With or Without You.

Phase Five: The Single Life—or to Hell with Being Married! – Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell II

Some may find this hard to believe, but during this time, I became a Meat Loaf junkie. Bat Out of Hell became my anthem.  Thanks to a gym I belonged to, where they’d play Meat Loaf constantly during some intense step classes, I became a dancing queen, finding new joy in my singleton life.  Best songs on this album include: I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That), Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire, and Good Girls Go to Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere).

The songs I chose to listen to became a part of my therapy and ultimately contributed to my healing.  So for all of you currently going through your divorces, or just thinking about it, now you have my “Divorce is Hell” playlist to add to your iTunes library.  Consider it my gift to you. Trust me, you’ll feel better.  And, you’ll also owe me one. So, you’re welcome.