It’s election season and I’m obsessed. I want to know what’s going on every moment of every day in the world of politics. I want to know who’s in the lead in the polls and who put their foot in their mouth. And I need to know what that ghostly fellow, Julian Assange is going to do next. WikiLeaks, wiki-shmeeks!
Well, this I can tell you: All this craziness has me thinking of one thing and one thing only:
Why can’t Justin Trudeau be my president?
It can’t be too difficult to run two countries–not when one of them is Canada. What could be hard about that?
Forget that he’s a hunk. Or that he’s dreamy. He’s got other qualities. Like his smile and his eyes, of course. Plus, he’d never dream of attacking us, not on his worst day. He’s probably heard our national anthem so many times, he can sing it backwards.
And if you’re thinking he’s Canadian and that rules him out as president, what about Ted Cruz? Wasn’t he born somewhere up there?
Finally, Justin Trudeau loves us. You can see it in his eyes. So why not? Maybe I’ll write him a letter and see.
Dear Mr. Prime Minister or Your Highness (not sure the proper way to address you; I’m only American so we don’t know these things),
If you’re listening, please consider joining us in America. The White House is very tony and rich with history. It’s all yours for the next four years if you just say the word. Please put us out of our misery. You have no idea what a circus it is down here, in Uncle Sam territory. I mean, we’ve been holding an election forever!
Frankly, I don’t know how the Brits do it. They voted for Brexit. Within minutes of the announcement their Prime Minister resigned. Another, whose name I can’t recall but who looks like Trump in an alternative universe, Boris something-or-other, was thought to be a contender for the position but he backed out.
Then, yada yada yada, they chose a new prime minister–just like that! No time for debates, rhetoric or accusations. No time for bullying opponents, a la Trump! The whole process took less time than it takes to say, Bob’s your uncle.
And here we are going on Year Two of the 2016 U.S. Presidential Elections. Year Four if you take into account the moment the last presidential inauguration ended because that’s exactly when all the media pundits started speculating about who would run in 2016. Aack!
Incidentally, remember last year when no one took Trump seriously?
He threw his hat in the ring by descending down an escalator and he looked rather silly, if you ask me. I mean, who uses an escalator to make a grand entrance? Such debuts are usually via a curving staircase with red carpeting and elaborate, gold-plated railings. That would’ve been more befitting a king, er, a presidential candidate of Trump’s caliber, don’t you think?
Well, that was over a year ago and how many of us laughed, guffawed and found the very idea of a Trump presidency ridiculous?
Who’s still laughing now?
But I digress.
I’m hoping for an October surprise and by that I mean, for Justin Trudeau, Canada’s magnificent prime minister, to swoop in and save the day!
I mean I watched the Republican National Convention—which scared the bejezus out of me—followed by the Democratic National Convention. Eight nights of speeches—and only one plagiarized.
Which reminds me: Didn’t the beleaguered Bernie followers at the DNC totally remind you of the Ellen Jamesians in the novel, “The World According to Garp.”
Oh, you don’t know what I’m talking about?
Well, in the best-selling John Irving novel—which made for a terrific movie I should add–a group of women known as the Ellen Jamesians, cut out their tongues in support of a young girl who’d been a victim of sexual assault. Somehow, I was worried the Bernie supporters might do something similar as they seemed deeply crushed by the loss of Bernie as a candidate. Luckily though, all they did was tape their mouths shut and cry.
But I digress again.
Prime Minister of the North, what’s it going to take for you to come on down and rescue us from this insanity? Think about it. We’ll leave the light on and a candle burning in the window. We’ll even put out the welcome mat. Seriously, we need you. What the heck, I need you like nobody’s business. So, do the right thing and save us from ourselves!