Woman in her prime is most in need of a family. Why, you ask?
It seems her own family, whom heretofore have been contentedly living in San Diego and providing a solid emotional support system to said woman, have upped and left the state with not so much as a by your leave.
Thus, with no other recourse–and at the end of her proverbial wits–the woman in question (who chooses to remain anonymous at this time) is seeking a family who lives in the vicinity (or thereabout, as long as it’s within a 25 mile radius) and whom she can count on say, 90 to 100% of the time.
In other words, a family that has absolutely no plans to move away and desert her!
The above stated woman is a good conversationalist with a fine sense of humor (though sometimes she can be acerbic, but then that’s a New Yorker for you, I mean, assuming she’s a New Yorker and I’m not declaring that she is.)
Word on the street is that she’s a rather good egg. Regretfully, however, she is not at all handy around the house. Some might say, about all she can do is hang a framed picture on the wall, though there’s no guarantee it won’t be askew.
On the plus, she’s creative. Enjoys writing, blogging, and a bit of scrapbooking now and then. After all, she does have a flair for color, if I say so myself–not that I’m talking about me, I should say not. But I, ahem, I mean she wants you to know, that if you’re color-blind, no worries. She can make sure your outfit doesn’t clash or frighten the sensibilities.
She knows how to cook and can whip up anything, from scrambled eggs to a paella for eight, and her banana bread with chocolate chips is scrumptious–or so they say. Personally, I wouldn’t know.
She is easily entertained by TV or a good book, whichever happens to catch her fancy, though more often than not, it’s the former. Too much TV, I always say! Oh, and she enjoys a catnap now and then–mostly, now–and also, long walks around the bend.
And, she loves, loves LOVES to dance, whether it be Zumba or a little tap dance a la Fred Astaire!
One thing’s certain: She often must work late and attend fancy functions, so she will need help caring for the dogs—one, known simply as “H,” descends from royalty and is rather high maintenance, but that’s part of his charm! Sadly, the one known as “O” or “O Twist,” is an orphan.
She doesn’t ask for much from her soon to be adopted family, besides walking and feeding her dogs when she’s unavailable, but the following requests are a must. No exceptions!
- Invite her to all major holiday gatherings in your home
- Bring her along when you go to the movies and let her have a say in selecting which film to see (must have a minimum of 80% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, by the way)
- Phone her once a week to say hello and text her 4-5 times a week just because
- Stop by to help when the plumbing’s backed up or when her computer has a hiccup
- Change the battery on all her fire detectors once a year
- Twice a month, she will expect you for Sunday dinner and it wouldn’t hurt if you took the trash containers out to the curb afterwards
Finally, all her shots/vaccinations are up to date.
Bonus: This woman will make an excellent grandmother for some well-behaved children (no back-talk is a must). She has extensive experience babysitting and will read to the kiddies, provided they call her “grandma.”
Please inquire soon. All offers will be seriously considered, however, no monkeys, arsonists, wildebeests or riffraff need apply, I’m just saying. Dysfunctional families okay.
Thank you for your consideration–and may the best family win (or lose, depending on how you look at it).
Now If I were in the vicinity I would bring my kids over, they would be more than happy to call you grandma, for they miss theirs, although she is visiting for the Summer and we are beyond happy, recording every moment. They would walk/feed the royal descendent and that slight mischief maker and there would be no back talk, I absolutely forbid it. Pity I live so far North… You would celebrate every special holiday with us and we would have those movie nights so we could talk about everything we love about the the world of film… maybe dance a little too – ah! if only.
I dread the day mine move away… I will encourage those wings, but I will be awfully sad.
MM, that sounds divine. I know we’d get on well and I just adore children and yours sound like they’re very respectful, thoughtful young girls. Together we’d all have gads of fun. If only the distance between us wasn’t an issue! Sigh.
My “Surrogate Family Member” RFP window is open and you strike me as a quality candidate with a lot to offer me. Yes me…I’m an only child so submit your application knowing that it’s ultimately all about me, but in a way that will benefit you, too.
What’s your deadline and is their an in-person interview needed, with a panel? I don’t do well in interviews and I hate panels just on principal. By the way, should this work out, I can make a scrapbook album of all the good times we’re bound to have together! And don’t get me started on all the board games I have! 😉
Come live w/ me NOW in Minnesota.
Can’t wait for you to arrive, dear.
I shall bake banana bread for you, but it probably isn’t half as delectable as yours.
FAAaaaaaabulous post, Monica.
You have MUCH love to give! xxxxx
PS. I hope your dogs like my fat cat.
My dogs are very civilized and are cordial to all pets as long as they don’t bark, which should be fine in your cat’s case. In fact, Henry once stayed with a friend who has a cat named Cowboy, and the two never had any problems. So light a candle in the window and we’ll be there soon! 😉
It’s the way we live now, isn’t it? — and the dispersal of family is indeed a theme that keeps finding itself in my own writing, both essays and fiction. I admire you for keeping your wit(s) about it.
Deborah, I’m sure if we all still traveled by covered wagon, we’d be more likely to stay put. Our mass transportation and technology have made us a society of folks who bowl alone and eat meals for one. It’s quite a reality check to find myself after all these years in the company of me, myself and I, along with two dogs, including one who’d rather be on the lap of the Queen of England. Sigh.
Perhaps we can just revisit having one of my kids come and live with you to attend the good schools in your area. How does that saying go…….’be careful what you wish for’?? 🙂
Sounds great but why just one? You’ve had them long enough. Drop them both off anytime and trust me. I’ll take care of them. 😉
Clearly, there is a need in society for a “Rent-A-Family” business. I think it would be a huge hit!
I think you’re right. I actually know a number of people, who grew up in San Diego and have tons of family here to do things with–go to the beach, out to eat, celebrate all the holidays together, etc. I hate them. I’d be better off channeling my, ahem, feelings, by starting a rent-a-family business. Come to think of it, I think there’s a service like that already, for those in the military who are presumably far from home. I wonder if I can get in on that. Hmm…
Well I would love to apply to be the victim, whoops make that kind person who befriends the good egg.
However according to Siri, aka that lippy Apple assistant I am 5443 miles away. But look on the bright side I am not likely to pop in unannounced, the downside is that if I came to offer support then if I bought Pizza it would be cold by the time I got there.
I am handy with computers with hiccups, I believe the best way to stop the hiccups is to pour water over the keyboard whilst the computer is switched on and hiccuping.
I have a fine sense of humour even if I do put in an extra U when I spell it.
Regarding fire detector battery replacement I gather the best way to test them is to light a fire under them, if they don’t make a noise in ten seconds then the battery needs replacing, though the lit fire has to be extinguished first I believe.
Please pass on my sympathy to this woman in her prime with two canine companions, one with a royal fixation and the other with a streak of fun and devilment running from nose to tail.
Should she want my CV or as you call it my resume showing my skills and experience then I will be more than happy to forward two sheets of blank paper to her by the cheapest means possible.
Goodness, you have me in stitches! 5443 miles? You already flunk the first test. And don’t forget: I said no riffraff need apply. But other than that, I totally appreciate your advice re how to tell if the fire detector’s battery needs changing, and how to fix an unruly computer. Yes, you have an excellent sense of humor. Like something out of Fawlty Towers!
I am pleased I bought a smile to your face, as for Fawlty Towers, I never liked the series to be honest. Or as we say over here not my cup of tea. Mind you I can’t stand tea either!!!
Of course you don’t like Fawlty. It’s one of my all-time faves and I’ve noticed that anything I like, you don’t. So you’re right on track!
Oh, dear, this is just too sad for words, Monica. Did your son move away for work? I know how you feel; Domer, remember, was in The Land of The North for two full years before he moved back to the Land of Lincoln. Still, he’s hours away, and that’s mighty far…
At least you still have the two doggins. I know they don’t change batteries or help with computer problems, but I’m betting they love Sunday dinner with you! And surely they can be counted on to provide lots of cuddling, nonjudgmental conversations, and love??!
My cousins just moved away and my son is likely next. Why can’t we force our kids to stay at home or at least in the vicinity? Why do they have to have minds of their own and why are we so good at encouraging them to grow up and become independent? Of course, my cousins are another story. I’ll never forgive them for doing what’s in their best interest and not mine. Honey, I could whine about this all day! 😉