You’ve got to admit, there’s a certain irony in knowing California is in its worst water drought ever, and yet here we are, living smack next to an ocean filled with–guess what? Water.
Okay, so it’s salty water, and nobody likes salt in their water unless they’ve got a sore throat and are gargling with it. Not even then. The stuff makes me gag. But I digress.
Nevertheless, the drought is real. After all, the amount of rain we’ve gotten this past year, sadly, could barely fill a thimble.
The statistics are too depressing to even think about. According to the experts, we have one year of water left. One year! Talk about dire straits.
The good news is we Californians have already cut back 20 percent of our water use in the last seven or so years. The bad news is we need to cut an additional, whopping 25 percent in the coming year. The sooner, the better, if you know what I mean. Effective yesterday. Which is why, I’m doing my part. I’m the answer to your prayers, yes, siree. Me and my bright ideas, and I’m just full of them, for I’ve come up with what I believe is a sure-fire way to reduce water usage in no time. You’re welcome!
- Forget the washing machine. From now on kill two birds with one stone by doing your laundry inside the car. Lay your dirty clothes on the car seats and take your car to the car wash, where they are known to recycle their water. Leave windows open and soon your car, as well as your clothes will be freshly cleaned, inside and out.
- Take a shower once a week. And if you happen to feel a bit grungy in between showering, give yourself a sponge bath–with a dry sponge, that is.
- Need to shampoo your hair? Consider sitting in your car while it’s going through the car wash. Helpful hint: wear dirty clothes so they’ll be cleaned, too!
- Use club soda for boiling rice instead of water.
- If you buy tuna packed in water, when company comes for dinner, serve them a tuna sandwich with a glass of water obtained from you-know-where. Squeeze a little lemon in the bound-to-be, fishy-tasting water to help dilute the taste. 😉
- Participating in a wet tee-shirt contest? Pour liquid laundry detergent over your tee. It’ll have the same effect, more or less. (Though at your age, why you’re taking part in a wet tee-shirt contest, I’ll never know!)
- Pull out any grass left in your yard. Grass is a water hog. Grow dirt instead, which hardly needs any water at all!
- When washing your hands, consider dipping them into the fish tank for a quick cleanse, rather than running the faucet. The little goldfish will pucker up and kiss your hands clean, trust me. Plus, it’s less wasteful!
- Stop worrying about washing the dishes after supper. Instead, use them several times and then wash them. In between washings, wipe away the crumbs and gravy residue with a dry paper towel. It’s that easy!
- Drain your swimming pool and turn it into an obstacle course for a new kind of backyard fun. Alternatively, turn it into a guest bedroom for when Aunt Blanche and Uncle Dudley come for a rather long stay.
- And speaking of out-of-state visitors–and I mean the East Coast kind who have never had to live through a drought–be sure to outline for them the house rules, in advance of their arrival. They are: No showers while visiting and they must bring their own bottled water supply for everything else. No exceptions!
- Finally, slowly wean your kids off of drinking water and get them hooked on politely asking, “More vodka, please. Straight up!” They should never ask for ice. That will make all of the above water-saving tips, futile.
That’s it for now. If you’ve been a water glutton all this time, take heed. I’m putting you on notice. But if you want to stay on my good side, I suggest you start following my new-fangled tips.
Everyone of them.
All this writing this has sure made me thirsty. Anyone got a can of tuna water or a shot glass for vodka I can borrow?