Groan. Another year whips by and here am I facing the worst, most torturous time of the year.
For, if ever there was a holiday I can’t stand and would love to see sink into oblivion, it’s New Year’s Eve. I’d be happy to skip it altogether and may even start a petition to do so.
First, its very arrival means the holiday season is coming to a close, and everyone must get back to business—whether it’s a nine to five office job, working as a (terrifying) clown in the circus, or playing a round of golf a la Tiger Woods.
Then there’s the pressure of having to have plans for New Year’s Eve. Plans that involve tripping the light fantastic with your honey, laughing your ass off until midnight and drinking the bubbly until you gag on it and throw up in a corner. And trust me, you’re deemed a loser if you don’t have any plans whatsoever, unless you’re Billy Crystal running through the streets of Manhattan in order to get to Meg Ryan, who is at a New Year’s Eve party, just so you can sweep her off her feet, as he did in “When Harry Met Sally.”
But what really makes New Year’s Eve the WORST holiday ever is that you also have to have a New Year’s Resolution! Talk about pressure. Sheesh!
New Year’s Eve resolutions is society’s passive aggressive way of letting you know you are not perfect and that you could be better. So, shape up or ship out! And we fall for it!
Of course, the problem with making resolutions is that we tend to fill them with lofty goals. Here are some examples:
- This year I will write–and publish—my Great American Novel.
- I will exercise every day and get rid of all this extra, ahem, baggage.
- I will save tons of money to buy a house, a car, retire or you name it.
- I will eat only foods that are good for me and lose __ (Fill in the blank: 10, 20, 30 pounds, etc.)
- I will finally down-size and get organized!
- I will meet the man–or woman–of my dreams and he will be perfect and propose to me in the most romantic way, and I will say yes and register at Pottery Barn.
- I will travel around the world!
- I will watch less TV and read more.
Any of these sound familiar?
Resolutions like these are often unachievable and unrealistic, so why do we continue to torture ourselves by declaring them? Let’s get real, shall we? You no more want to commit to any silly New Year’s Resolution than I want to snack on Henry and Oliver’s dog food.
Which is why I’ve decided to come up with my own New Year’s resolutions, ones that are way more practical and set the bar, ahem, lower. Far lower. And because I like you, dear readers, feel free to steal any of these amazing resolutions and make them your own!
- I will write every day, knowing that to-do lists and shopping lists count as writing.
- I will exercise every day. Of course, walking to the mailbox or pushing the trash containers out to the curb counts, okay? After all, those containers can be pretty heavy. Like lifting weights, if you ask me.
- I will save money. A dollar a week sounds about right. That’ll mean that by December 31st, 2015, I’ll have 52 smackers to spend on a new blouse or a pair of shoes! Now, that’s what I call saving!
- I will eat foods that are good for me and sound nutritious–like baked cinnamon apples, artichoke dip, Piña Coladas and coconut shrimp. Yum! A great resolution, indeed!
- I will lose weight. Technically, losing one pound fulfills this resolution. More than that and my scale wouldn’t recognize me. Not that I use it much, but when I do, me and my scale have an understanding. I keep one foot on the floor at all times, and in return, the scale shaves several pounds off my keister and whatnot. Works like magic! So, losing one pound is perfectly achievable in the new year.
- I will finally get organized. And by that I mean that I’ll finally get the glove compartment of my car organized. After all, one small step for womankind…etc.
- I will meet the man of my dreams. Yeah, right. Whatever. Next.
- I will travel around the world. And by this I mean I will start in my own backyard and head to the beach, or north to LA for the day or south to the U.S.-Mexican border. And I’ll feel like a world traveler, to boot!
- I will give up TV and read more. Ha! This is a good one because I can no more give up TV than I can downhill ski or play golf. Never going to happen, but here’s what I’m willing to do. I will give up watching one of my shows, like “The Colbert Report.” That’s it, I won’t watch it anymore. Promise. Oh, wait. It’s been cancelled, hasn’t it? Oh well, it’s the thought that counts. As for reading more, I will be sure to read the TV schedule from cover to cover, so that I’m sure not to miss anything of note, like “Downton Abbey,” which returns to PBS on January 4th. (Gratuitous plug, I know.) Yay!
On second thought, let’s put an end to all New Year’s Eve resolutions forever. Down with making commitments we can’t keep. Down with the pressure of celebrating New Year’s Eve! And down with pretending to be thrilled that another year has gone by and life is passing us by. Let’s end the torture now and don’t wish anyone a Happy New Year!
Uh-oh. I think I just wished you a Happy New Year. Darn, I just said it again! Maybe I need to make a New Year’s Eve resolution not to wish anyone a Happy New Year, from my house to yours. Doh, there I go again!
So, how do you feel about New Year’s Eve and all the hoopla surrounding the holiday? Got any plans for greeting 2015?