New Year’s Eve Torture


Oliver and Henry haven’t the foggiest that it’s New Year’s Eve.


Groan. Another year whips by and here am I facing the worst, most torturous time of the year.

For, if ever there was a holiday I can’t stand and would love to see sink into oblivion, it’s New Year’s Eve. I’d be happy to skip it altogether and may even start a petition to do so.

First, its very arrival means the holiday season is coming to a close, and everyone must get back to business—whether it’s a nine to five office job, working as a (terrifying) clown in the circus, or playing a round of golf a la Tiger Woods.

Then there’s the pressure of having to have plans for New Year’s Eve. Plans that involve tripping the light fantastic with your honey, laughing your ass off until midnight and drinking the bubbly until you gag on it and throw up in a corner. And trust me, you’re deemed a loser if you don’t have any plans whatsoever, unless you’re Billy Crystal running through the streets of Manhattan in order to get to Meg Ryan, who is at a New Year’s Eve party, just so you can sweep her off her feet, as he did in “When Harry Met Sally.”

But what really makes New Year’s Eve the WORST holiday ever is that you also have to have a New Year’s Resolution! Talk about pressure. Sheesh!

New Year’s Eve resolutions is society’s passive aggressive way of letting you know you are not perfect and that you could be better. So, shape up or ship out!  And we fall for it!

Of course, the problem with making resolutions is that we tend to fill them with lofty goals. Here are some examples:

  • This year I will write–and publish—my Great American Novel.
  • I will exercise every day and get rid of all this extra, ahem, baggage.
  • I will save tons of money to buy a house, a car, retire or you name it.
  • I will eat only foods that are good for me and lose __ (Fill in the blank: 10, 20, 30 pounds, etc.)
  • I will finally down-size and get organized!
  • I will meet the man–or woman–of my dreams and he will be perfect and propose to me in the most romantic way, and I will say yes and register at Pottery Barn.
  • I will travel around the world!
  • I will watch less TV and read more.

Any of these sound familiar?

Resolutions like these are often unachievable and unrealistic, so why do we continue to torture ourselves by declaring them? Let’s get real, shall we? You no more want to commit to any silly New Year’s Resolution than I want to snack on Henry and Oliver’s dog food.

Which is why I’ve decided to come up with my own New Year’s resolutions, ones that are way more practical and set the bar, ahem, lower. Far lower. And because I like you, dear readers, feel free to steal any of these amazing resolutions and make them your own!

  • I will write every day, knowing that to-do lists and shopping lists count as writing.
  • I will exercise every day. Of course, walking to the mailbox or pushing the trash containers out to the curb counts, okay? After all, those containers can be pretty heavy. Like lifting weights, if you ask me.
  • I will save money. A dollar a week sounds about right. That’ll mean that by December 31st, 2015, I’ll have 52 smackers to spend on a new blouse or a pair of shoes! Now, that’s what I call saving!
  • I will eat foods that are good for me and sound nutritious–like baked cinnamon apples, artichoke dip, Piña Coladas and coconut shrimp. Yum! A great resolution, indeed!
  • I will lose weight. Technically, losing one pound fulfills this resolution. More than that and my scale wouldn’t recognize me. Not that I use it much, but when I do, me and my scale have an understanding. I keep one foot on the floor at all times, and in return, the scale shaves several pounds off my keister and whatnot. Works like magic! So, losing one pound is perfectly achievable in the new year.
  • I will finally get organized.  And by that I mean that I’ll finally get the glove compartment of my car organized. After all, one small step for womankind…etc.
  • I will meet the man of my dreams. Yeah, right. Whatever. Next.
  • I will travel around the world. And by this I mean I will start in my own backyard and head to the beach, or north to LA for the day or south to the U.S.-Mexican border. And I’ll feel like a world traveler, to boot!
  • I will give up TV and read more. Ha! This is a good one because I can no more give up TV than I can downhill ski or play golf. Never going to happen, but here’s what I’m willing to do. I will give up watching one of my shows, like “The Colbert Report.” That’s it, I won’t watch it anymore. Promise. Oh, wait. It’s been cancelled, hasn’t it? Oh well, it’s the thought that counts. As for reading more, I will be sure to read the TV schedule from cover to cover, so that I’m sure not to miss anything of note, like “Downton Abbey,” which returns to PBS on January 4th. (Gratuitous plug, I know.) Yay!

On second thought, let’s put an end to all New Year’s Eve resolutions forever. Down with making commitments we can’t keep. Down with the pressure of celebrating New Year’s Eve! And down with pretending to be thrilled that another year has gone by and life is passing us by. Let’s end the torture now and don’t wish anyone a Happy New Year!

Uh-oh. I think I just wished you a Happy New Year. Darn, I just said it again! Maybe I need to make a New Year’s Eve resolution not to wish anyone a Happy New Year, from my house to yours. Doh, there I go again!

So, how do you feel about New Year’s Eve and all the hoopla surrounding the holiday? Got any plans for greeting 2015?




35 thoughts on “New Year’s Eve Torture

  1. Happy New Year, lovely! Sounds like you made progress with those “resolutions” before you were even done writing this post! Too funny! This year, our family sat with my 2 friends from undergrad, and their families, and shared reflections and major highlights from 2014, and what we hope we can do differently/better in 2015. I found that to be more cathartic than making resolutions. I professed two major goals for this year, but this year they weren’t so “lofty” or time-stamped (other than 2015). So far, very good.

    And yes, those to-do lists count as writing. Each item can very well be a prompt of its own.

  2. I often have friends up from the city on New Year’s Eve — a nice meal, some champagne, etc. etc. This year, after a packed week of activities, I was very happy to just go to movie with the husband, eat some Mexican food, then cozy up to watch the ball drop. No resolutions this year . . . just hoping to be receptive to what it brings my way. Here’s wishing you a very bright 2015.

  3. I had a great night at home playing Scrabble with my wife as the ball dropped… Yeah, so much pressure and so little time, I think I just need to relax and enjoy the New Year and whatever adventure that life will bring my way….

  4. My least favorite holiday ever and always. It’s the relationship pressure – Who are you going to kiss at midnight? – that I can’t cope with. Even my very best New Years (and I’ve had several more than 50 of them) was so high pressure I couldn’t really enjoy it (and the fact the guy I was out with broke up with me in that ‘but we’ll still go out on New Years I already have the tickets’ kind of way.) I’ll be in bed – ALONE.

  5. I love NYE because it’s also my anniversary. We don’t usually go out because of crazy drivers, but I love trying to stay up until midnight. I almost always fall asleep on the couch around 10:30 and Bruce wakes me up at midnight to watch the countdown. And for us, New Year’s Day is a super low key holiday. I watch the rose parade and read all afternoon. Instead of making a list of resolutions, I make a list of fun things I want to do in the coming year. So much more pleasant than should and oughts.

  6. Oh my, what a tangled Monica I’ve run upon this somewhat fine day. I don’t know whether to greet you with a smile or throw you my Grinch look, I tell you what though, I’m gonna bring in the New Year with a nice imprint of my bottom on the couch. If it makes you feel better, I’ll be watching TV and listening for the pow, pow in the neighborhood around the stroke of midnight. You won’t find me wishing anybody nothing but a good life, especially when it looks like it’s heading south. While I already wished folk a Happy New Year via text today, tomorrow, I’m sending out a message to rescind that ’cause the same folk they are this year, they’ll be the same next year and the one after. We need to be really honest and forget all this shallow mess. Heck, what is happy anyhow?

  7. I’m in Monica, I’m in. Down with it all. No New Year’s resolutions for me, none at all, not even one small, teeny, tiny one. Will I still read lots and plan to blog more? Yes, don’t need a resolution for that. Will I run more often, do yoga and continue to eat well? yes. Don’t need to make a plan because I already do it – er, except it’s been a holiday and I’ve had one too many martinis. I will watch the ball drop at East Coast time, we will play a board game and go to bed, not at midnight but at a decent time or I may read into the night.

    On the other hand, if you were to put out a book. I’d be first in line, just saying.
    Happy New Year – I wished you, I’ve done it( now I sound like Henry Higgins).
    Looking fwd to more chats with you, Downton Abbey – you know I’m counting.. and great posts.

  8. I haven’t stressed over NYE in years, just don’t care. Another year, and what? I will gladly sign your petition, send it on.

    Love your resolutions!

    I met mine this year, it was easy though. Finalize divorce before anniversary.

  9. So agree with this! And plan on adopting your resolutions as my own 🙂 Making ones that have any higher expectations just lead to disappointment. This way when I do lose 2 lbs over the year period I will be thrilled that it far surpassed my resolution! And when I organize my kitchen ‘junk’ drawer and my glove box…again it will surpass my goal. We are on to something here. Just let me know when you’ve met your resolution and you will get a nice pat on the back from me. We’re in this don’t say Happy New Year (shoot I just said it) thing together. 🙂

    • Two pounds? That’s crazy talk. Start with a goal of one pound, and if you reach it in six months, then maybe increase goal by a half pound. You don’t want to go overboard now, do you? 😉

  10. Maybe what I’m doing would help. Closing myself in the house, turning on the TV and “vegging out” to the Twilight Zone marathon on Syfy channel !!! Maybe ordering a pizza – does it for me – I don’t go out in the madness that is New Year’s Eve – SAD HUH??????? No resolutions for me – they only get broken anyway!!!

  11. LOL! This is great. I can totally support all your resolutions, Monica. I’m resolving to just keep on doing what I’m doing because it seems to be working out pretty well. 🙂 Happy New Year, my friend.

    • We need to get that petition going. Too much pressure for one stinking holiday. And have you noticed that they stuff us with all kinds of goodies during the holiday season but come New Years we must make a resolution to lose weight. Talk about mixed messages!

  12. I’d gladly sign your petition, Monica! I’m planning a very low-key New Year’s Eve; in fact, I expect to be in bed long before that ball drops! As for the resolutions, they work for me — why stress yourself out trying to achieve undo-able things? Our dogs don’t, and they seem perfectly happy, right? Happy New Year anyway, and I look forward to blogging with you in 2015!

    • Me too, Debbie. And you’re right. We should follow our pets’ lead and ignore the holiday. We’ll be better off for it! I would like to see 2015 be the year no planes fall from the sky! Could that be my resolution?

  13. We will be asleep all being well at the prescribed hour.

    Wife is at work tomorrow from 8am so up about 5.30am as per normal.

    My new years resolution is to not make any resolutions.

  14. I am not a fan of NYE. I don’t like going out with all the mad hatters, even in my wild days I was a homebody. As for resolutions… yours are fantastic and hysterical. I was just reflecting on the ones I wrote in my head last year. There were only three. Of course, I didn’t meet a single one, but I did do things I never thought I would do. That can’t be a bad thing. Happy New Year, Monica. I wish all the best in the coming days.

    • Likewise, Brenda. It’s nice to know that you’re a New Year’s Resolution flunkie, too. I never made them work for me. I think it would be better to have a resolution like, I will take the trash out every week, or I will feed my pets everyday. Those are much more doable, don’t you think?

  15. I always hold on to the window sill when weighing myself. Never thought of keeping one foot on the floor, that sounds better. Husband and I always have blini and caviar and then go out for sushi. That’s it, plus making a few calls the next day. Your post put a smile on my face and I look forward to reading your book.

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