Never Fear, the ‘Doctor’ is Here!

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Ta-dah! The moment of truth. Gather around, for the one and only Dr. Monica is here to answer your questions!

Sure, I may not have credentials, but I’ve got something better. I survived Camp Prison-Shit, and that was no small feat! And frankly, I deserve an award for that or at least a doctoral degree of some sort, so I’ll take it!

I asked you for questions–the more inconsequential the better–and you didn’t disappoint. In fact, you delivered in spades! So, let’s begin, shall we?

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Jodi of Rochester, New York, asks, “Dr. Monica, Should I wear underwear under my yoga pants?”

Dear Jodi of Rochester,

First, I have to ask: Is your town named after Mr. Rochester of  “Jane Eyre” (by Charlotte Brontë) fame? I always wondered about that. He was such a darkly brooding man, but I loved that book, and he did cut quite a romantic figure, but why was he never happy and why he never laughed, I will never know. Not so much as a grin! You’d think no one ever told a joke in those times, but you never know. Maybe there was a Lord Seinfeld who could’ve cracked up the best of them, but nobody got it. Maybe if someone had said to him just once, “Lighten up, Rochester,” things would’ve been different. I’m just saying.

But I digress.

Getting back to your question about whether to wear underwear under your yoga pants–as opposed to what?

Wearing them over your yoga pants?? Are you serious or do you just want to be kicked out of class? Sheesh!

Jodi from Rochester, as my mother would say, “Don’t go anywhere without your best underwear!” Because you never know when an ambulance will have to come to your yoga class and rush you to the hospital because of some funny position you got yourself into. Sure, Mr. Rochester might find it amusing, but you won’t when they’re tearing off your clothes to prep you for surgery and they discover there’s no underwear to cut off with a pair of scissors. I mean, do you really want that stress? Of course not! You can look like a schlep but what the medics will all remember is the nice underwear, albeit now shredded, that you wore in the ambulance. Now, go put some on!

Robert from an old train stop in England, asks (read with a Liverpool accent. I understand he’s a “big” Beatles fan or will be if I have any say in the matter.)

“Dr. Monica, Have you noticed that wrong numbers are never already in use when you ring them? It’s a deep question so you may have to ask Oliver and Henry for their views on the subject.”

Dear British Robert,

Actually, I’ve noticed quite the opposite. In fact you could say that most of my friends, and a few of my acquaintances, I met by getting calls from folks dialing the wrong number.

Take Charlie who works for a, well, collection agency. He was all bothered and hot under the collar when he called demanding to speak to Murray about some speakers he bought on credit from Circuit City, a retail store that sold well, speakers, stereos, CD players and other things people no longer need, which is why they went out of business.

So I said, “Temper, temper, Charlie, is it really so bad?” I mean didn’t Circuit City close its doors years ago? What on earth do they need their money for? And he got all bent out of sorts with me, but the next thing you know, we were fast friends!

So Robert, the next time you ring a wrong number, dial up Charlie instead. He’s got a couple of speakers to sell you.

SIDE BAR:  Folks, answering your questions is a tad more taxing on my brain than I originally thought it would be. Frankly, I erroneously assumed Henry and Oliver would be of some help in responding to your queries, as Robert suggested, however they remain mum on the subject. Henry’s snoring away and Oliver is lurking on the stairs, ready to protect our home from passers by. So I only have time for one more question today.  Who’s it going to be?

Totsy, aka, I’m About to Catch A Case, who hails from somewhere in the South, writes:

“Dr. Monica, I have a co-worker who always has concerns. I know ’cause she and other co-workers come to my area to eat lunch 5 days a week. I don’t mind the company some days but most days I do. Therefore, the last thing I wanna talk about is work at work. I was thinking to bring roach spray for my co-workers but that probably goes against the fine print in my contract. What ever can I do for that one specific worker who keeps talking about stuff I don’t wanna hear?”

Dear Totsy,

Don’t use roach spray as it’s not polite. Ant spray, maybe. But even better, fill your desk and the general vicinity around it, with plants, especially cacti. The more the merrier. Make it wall-to-wall plants so that there’s no room for anyone to join you for lunch. Make it so that even you will have a hard time eating at your desk because there’s no room. Also, may I suggest barbed wire to wrap around you? Add a sign to your back that says, “Warning: Electrical fence.” If you can’t find any barbed wire at the Home Depot, you can always buy a buzzer to add to your area so that she has to announce herself through an intercom system, and then you can pretend not to be at your desk. Good luck! If she’s anything like the lady who tries to eat at my desk, you’ll need it. But here’s what I do when I see her coming: I have the doorman show her the way out!

And that’s it for today, folks. Remember, send me your questions, tell me what ails you and maybe I’ll share my wisdom with you next time. Or maybe not.

So for now, the Doctor is out. Roger that.

23 thoughts on “Never Fear, the ‘Doctor’ is Here!”

  1. Oh my did I giggle. Jodi’s question really did get me. I have often wondered if people do wear underwear under those really tight yoga pants, Monica. I wear yoga pants and my biggest problem is if my underwear is visible to all and sundry. Because you see, you would never catch me leaving my house without my best, in case of an accident, in case… Well in case of anything that might arise when I am out and about. I do admire those yoga pants with no visible line, all I can do is hope that my lines are not as visible. The name Rochester, no matter where I see it, makes me think of Jane Eyre.
    By the way, Robert is hilarious.

  4. Great advice for me, Monica! I will out them on! Rochester is named for Nathaniel Rochester who founded the city. It’s a common name for a city, occurring in many states, so I find it strange, did he find lots of cities? I’ll have to do research. Your answer led to more questions….

    • Woo hoo! From one, ahem, “medical expert” to another (whose credentials are a lot more real than yours truly), I would expect you to have more questions. Remember, this doctor is in and ready to take your questions. No question too silly or too ridiculous!

  5. I am still waiting, patiently. Now though I have another question. I am trying to determine whether to wear my thigh high stocking with or without a garter belt. The real problem is the new version simply aren’t wonderful at staying where I put them so a garter belt might be the best solution, however they make them so they are supposed to stay put, on the thigh. I could return them to the manufacturer instead I suppose, what do you think.

  6. Monica, you didn’t *really* think Sir Henry and Oliver would help you to answer these questions, did you? About the only thing Dallas wants to know is, When is my foods bowl getting filled again! Dogs have it so easy — no worries over fashion, wrong phone numbers, and irritating co-workers! But hey, you handled these questions well, so maybe you should simply let sleeping dogs lie!

    • Debbie, one can always hope, and I keep waiting for the day they start pulling their weight. Sitting around, looking pretty all day, doesn’t qualify for much. But I guess the tail wagging should count for something. Takes effort, you know? I don’t think I could wag my tail, if I had one that is, as fast as they do theirs. Sigh.

  7. Okay, Dr. Monica, this is ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS! I want more–more–more! Will work on a query of my own. Thanks for your wisdom–especially when it comes to roach spray. I had no idea it was not polite!

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

    • I’d love to get a query from you–and from Sara, too. And all your friends in Ecuador, for that matter. I’ll devote a whole post just to you and yours. You’ve got questions? I’ve got answers. Maybe I’ll even offer my answers before you ask your question. Now that’s genius!

  8. I feel very relieved I’ve thrown that question out there. While I’m off this week. I will head to Home Depot for that barbed wire and a small can of ant spray. You know, just in case. I think you’re deserving of a virtual honorary PHD, if nothing else.

  9. Well your post has made my day Monica, especially as I was stopped in mid chuckle by the warbling of the phone, and guess what it was a wrong number!! No it wasn’t Charlie, but I felt a bit of a Charlie for answering it!!!

    As for Jodi’s question, as far as I can remember the only person who has got away with underwear on the outside is Superman. But as Jodi is the nearest we have to Superwoman if you read her web site then perhaps she might just get away with it!

    Thinking about it it’s a good job you’re not answering questions on music otherwise you would not be Dr Monica instead to keep the musical connection we would have to say HA Monica.

    I know I know it’s yet more of my terrible humour so I will just Beatle off and find a map of Liverpool, a place I have visited just once as far as I can recall…..

  10. Excuse me Dr. Monica, I got this question: Dear Jodi of Rochester,…..NEVAH wear underwear under your yoga pants. Oh…send me the address of your yoga class and your schedule of attendance please.

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