The ‘Doctor’ is In!


Have you ever needed advice about something but didn’t know who to ask?

I’m not talking life or death situations. I’m no expert, after all, so don’t come expecting advice about that.

I’m talking about the stuff no one really cares about, but you. In other words, everyday and inconsequential stuff like, “Should I be using fluoride toothpaste or the whitening kind?”

My idea is to start an advice column, which I’ll post every now and then, or maybe never. Kind of like when the mood strikes my fancy pants. Or not.

In other words, for the time being, the “doctor” is in. More or less. So go ahead, ask me anything. Or nearly anything. I’m listening!

Tell me, what’s getting your goat? Long lines at the Apple store? Tell me about it! Does your boss have a piece of spinach stuck between his teeth and it’s been there for days and it’s driving you crazy because you don’t know what to do? Or, do you want to go to the movies but not sure what to see? Well then, you’ve come to the right place!

Ask me!

Send me your questions, from the simple to the mundane. In fact, the more humdrum, the better. After all, I don’t have a degree that qualifies me to give you real advice, but I have plenty of no-nonsense, common sense to go around. Take it with a grain of salt if you need to but I won’t be dilly dallying and I certainly won’t beat around the bush just to ease your plight.

I’m going to shoot from the hip! Yes, That’s the ticket! I’m going to tell it like it is. I’ll call a spade a spade and a club a club, because that’s the kind of gal I am. I’ll even hit you with that proverbial two by four for no extra charge! And don’t worry. You won’t see it coming, but you’ll be waking up and smelling the coffee in no time!

So, whaddaya say? Are ya in?

Just to get things started, the first question comes from, ahem, somewhere in Southern California. A fella named Henry–I mean, Hank, has a question. He ordered an audiobook online for me, I mean, for his personal chef, and didn’t notice until it arrived that it’s the abridged, not the unabridged version of the book, which means instead of 30 hours of audio, it’s only 12.

So, Hank asks, “Dr. Monica, should I give it to Cook anyway or return it for a refund?”

My Reply:

Are you kidding me, Hank? Abridged? What does the abridged version include–just the first sentence of every chapter or worse, every 14th word? Who listens to abridged except for the AARP set who subscribe to Readers Digest–and how dare you mention that Cook herself is a candidate for membership In that society? What do you mean, if the shoe fits? C’mon, Hank, old buddy, you should know better!

Next time, read the fine print. There’s a big difference between abridged and unabridged, you know. And your cook, whoever she is, probably wants to listen to the entire book, not The abridged version, so best to return it stat. Get your money back, and next time, buy your chef, or whoever she is, something more practical. Like diamond earrings! And just for the record, I’ve never met her, remember? Well, good luck, Hank, now go take a bath, you little stinker, you.

Mike R. asks, “Dr. Monica, is it okay not to leave my name on my office voicemail’s away message if I don’t want to? It makes me nervous to do so.”

My Reply:

Mike, what’s wrong, bubbie? Are you on the lam or just hiding from the IRS or something? I mean, why else would you not want to give your name? Of course, you can say whatever you want on a voicemail message. It’s a free country. But if people call and don’t hear your name, they may think they got the wrong number. On the other hand, who uses the phone anymore besides your Great Aunt Claire? So maybe you shouldn’t bother leaving a message at all. Another option is to consider using a fake name. I hear Lucy McGillicuddy is up for grabs after a certain show went off the air 60 some-odd years ago. Now, be a mensch and get out of here.

Who’s next? Strike while the iron’s hot. I’m listening and will respond to your questions in upcoming posts!

Please Note: No animals were hurt in the writing of this post, but dozens of idioms were used like there’s no tomorrow!

23 thoughts on “The ‘Doctor’ is In!

  1. Pingback: Never Fear, the ‘Doctor’ is Here! | Monica's Tangled Web

  2. Pingback: My Birthday Week–Fun, Frivolity, Madness & Sir Paul | Monica's Tangled Web

  3. There is one question the characters in the stories I write ask: how do I get over this broken heart you have given me? In every story there is a broken heart, a turning point and the eventual ah-ha moment. Of course, as the writer I draw upon my own experiences but I have to wonder if there is a proven way to let go and move on. I don’t know, Dr. Monica, not really. It could be why I write the stories I write. Do you know of any sure fire ways to mend the love broken heart?

  4. Happy belated birthday! Here’s my question and it’s important because it could cost a pretty penny. My husband wants a pair of recliners, one for him and one for me. From what I understand recliners are a real design faux pas …but the ones he is eying have the name Lazy-Boy on them which in my book is pretty fancy. To recline or not to recline (in the living room)…that is my question.

  5. How do you ask someone not to talk to you while you are both in the bathroom?

    Er, and tell Hank, it is never okay to buy abridged – shock, horror, gasp. He really must consider his cook’s, I mean his personal chef’s interests. Always buy the unabridged. That is if, um, Hank writes to you again.

    • Hank and his chef, who I don’t know personally but here her cooking is amazing, where aghast when the abridged version arrived in the mail. Clearly, an onerous mistake. Thankful, Hank heeded my advice and returned it at once. Sigh. Will respond to your question in a future post! Not today though, because it’s my birthday!!

      • Happy Birthday my friend. You deserve a day off. Have a beautiful day and year ahead.
        I hope Henry is cooking tonight, er, if he needs help, i’m always available. I bet Oliver would like a part in it too.

  6. This is just what I need. A go-to person to talk me off the ledge. So, my question goes like this:

    Dear Monica,
    I have a co-worker who always has concerns. I know ’cause she and other co-workers comes to my area to eat lunch 5 days a week. I don’t mind the company some days but most days I do. Therefore, the last thing I wanna talk about is work at work. I was thinking to bring roach spray for my co-workers but that’s probably goes against the fine print in my contract. What ever can I do for that one specific worker who keeps talking about stuff I don’t wanna hear?

    I’m About to Catch A Case

  7. Can you tell me why wrong phone numbers are never engaged?
    If there are 24 hours in a day then how many are there in a night?

    Sent in by Puzzled of Peterborough.

      • I can see that english expressions don’t travel well, so here it is again.

        Have you noticed that wrong numbers are never already in use when you ring them?

        It’s a deep question so you hay have to ask Oliver and Henry for their views on the subject.

        By the way the new season of Downton Abbey started over here last night, so avoid UK sites that may have spoilers on them!!!

      • Thanks for the head’s up on Downton. How lucky you are in your neck of the woods to get it so early. For us, January. Luckily, some of my other favorites are returning now, so I’ll have plenty to watch in the meantime. 🙂

    • Good question, Jodi. That’s a question for the ages, one that I remember reading in a history book that Napoleon himself once asked. I, of course, will mull it over at length and get back to you soon!

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