Have you ever needed advice about something but didn’t know who to ask?
I’m not talking life or death situations. I’m no expert, after all, so don’t come expecting advice about that.
I’m talking about the stuff no one really cares about, but you. In other words, everyday and inconsequential stuff like, “Should I be using fluoride toothpaste or the whitening kind?”
My idea is to start an advice column, which I’ll post every now and then, or maybe never. Kind of like when the mood strikes my fancy pants. Or not.
In other words, for the time being, the “doctor” is in. More or less. So go ahead, ask me anything. Or nearly anything. I’m listening!
Tell me, what’s getting your goat? Long lines at the Apple store? Tell me about it! Does your boss have a piece of spinach stuck between his teeth and it’s been there for days and it’s driving you crazy because you don’t know what to do? Or, do you want to go to the movies but not sure what to see? Well then, you’ve come to the right place!
Send me your questions, from the simple to the mundane. In fact, the more humdrum, the better. After all, I don’t have a degree that qualifies me to give you real advice, but I have plenty of no-nonsense, common sense to go around. Take it with a grain of salt if you need to but I won’t be dilly dallying and I certainly won’t beat around the bush just to ease your plight.
I’m going to shoot from the hip! Yes, That’s the ticket! I’m going to tell it like it is. I’ll call a spade a spade and a club a club, because that’s the kind of gal I am. I’ll even hit you with that proverbial two by four for no extra charge! And don’t worry. You won’t see it coming, but you’ll be waking up and smelling the coffee in no time!
So, whaddaya say? Are ya in?
Just to get things started, the first question comes from, ahem, somewhere in Southern California. A fella named Henry–I mean, Hank, has a question. He ordered an audiobook online for me, I mean, for his personal chef, and didn’t notice until it arrived that it’s the abridged, not the unabridged version of the book, which means instead of 30 hours of audio, it’s only 12.So, Hank asks, “Dr. Monica, should I give it to Cook anyway or return it for a refund?”
Are you kidding me, Hank? Abridged? What does the abridged version include–just the first sentence of every chapter or worse, every 14th word? Who listens to abridged except for the AARP set who subscribe to Readers Digest–and how dare you mention that Cook herself is a candidate for membership In that society? What do you mean, if the shoe fits? C’mon, Hank, old buddy, you should know better!
Next time, read the fine print. There’s a big difference between abridged and unabridged, you know. And your cook, whoever she is, probably wants to listen to the entire book, not The abridged version, so best to return it stat. Get your money back, and next time, buy your chef, or whoever she is, something more practical. Like diamond earrings! And just for the record, I’ve never met her, remember? Well, good luck, Hank, now go take a bath, you little stinker, you.
Mike R. asks, “Dr. Monica, is it okay not to leave my name on my office voicemail’s away message if I don’t want to? It makes me nervous to do so.”
Mike, what’s wrong, bubbie? Are you on the lam or just hiding from the IRS or something? I mean, why else would you not want to give your name? Of course, you can say whatever you want on a voicemail message. It’s a free country. But if people call and don’t hear your name, they may think they got the wrong number. On the other hand, who uses the phone anymore besides your Great Aunt Claire? So maybe you shouldn’t bother leaving a message at all. Another option is to consider using a fake name. I hear Lucy McGillicuddy is up for grabs after a certain show went off the air 60 some-odd years ago. Now, be a mensch and get out of here.
Who’s next? Strike while the iron’s hot. I’m listening and will respond to your questions in upcoming posts!Please Note: No animals were hurt in the writing of this post, but dozens of idioms were used like there’s no tomorrow!