One day it correctly reflects that I am a married 37 year-old mother of two young children; the next, it inexplicably claims that it is 2014 and I am a 59 year old single empty nester. How the hell did that happen?
I’ve never been one of those women who discreetly, but resolutely, shaves a few years off my age; if anything, I have frequently lied to make myself older, and the fact that I was already 5’10” tall by junior high helped to sell the lie. That’s how I was able to see the R-rated film “Easy Rider” at 14 (a big deal in 1969, though today 6 year olds can no doubt stream X-rated videos alongside “Dora The Explorer” on their tablets) and also how I was able to get a job at Bloomingdale’s at age 15 (though many of today’s 15 year olds may be too busy still watching porn to even look for work).
But 59? That’s only a six-pack of Ensure away from the Big 6-0! I mentioned to my son that suddenly I felt like I was playing on the “back nine” of life.
He replied, “Back nine? Hell, you’re in the clubhouse and on your third beer!”
With the realization that I’ve got fewer days ahead of me than behind (after all, at 59 I can’t really think of myself as “middle aged” anymore, unless I plan on living to 120!), I started considering whether I’d accomplished what I’d imagined I might have in my life. A term came to mind, popularized by the Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie a few years back: my own personal “Bucket List.” It refers to all the experiences we hope to be able to “check off” some imaginary list of accomplishments before we kick the bucket and head off to that Eternal Assisted Living Facility in the Sky.
- Attending a National Rifle Association rally
- Seeing Wayne Newton live in Las Vegas
- Getting a Brazilian bikini wax
- Watching anything starring any of the Kardashians
- Taking a road trip across America (or across town) with my mother
What experiences then, might have made it onto my Bucket List?
First, remembering where the hell I put the damned list, then starring on Broadway in a revival of “Funny Girl,” viewing the Earth from the International Space Station, making Beef Bourguignon with Julia Child, balancing my checkbook just once, and sleeping with the entire starting line-up of the 2009 NY Yankees…..in other words, a compilation of events that will never happen!
Hey – you have your aspirations, I have mine!
So have you yet made your own Bucket List? Are the things you’re still waiting to check off based in reality, or like mine, a bit more on the side of “Fantasy Island”?