Goodbye Sunshine, Hello Plan B!

They say the sun ages you. Which is why I’ve decided from here on out to avoid natural sunlight at all costs.

Could I be the next Norma Desmond, hiding from the glare of the sun in my humble abode?

Could I be the next Norma Desmond, hiding from the glare of the sun in my humble abode?

Blinds closed? Check. Curtains drawn? Check. Gobs of sun block slathered on every pore of my body? Check! Hats, scarves and long gloves that extend to my shoulders all in place to cover my face, arms and every last bit of exposed skin? Double check!

Which means from now on I can only go out at night. But if I must go out during the day, say to work or to walk Henry and Oliver, then I’ll be the one wearing something akin to a beekeeper’s outfit.

I will be like a fine piece of Gouda, shrouded in layers of cheese cloth while I, ahem, age gracefully. I’ll be a mole, who squints like crazy should a ray of light find its way into my humble abode.

Think of me as an earthworm or a slug who ventures outdoors only when it’s cloudy, after a good rain. Ever notice how supple and smooth their skin is? Soon, mine will be like that, too.

I will be 100 and not look a day over 90!

Starting today, I’m living my life somewhere between Norma Desmond meets Blanche Dubois meets “the Brides of Dracula.” In other words, completely and unequivocally, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in the dark.

For those who don’t know, Norma Desmond was that aging film star in “Sunset Boulevard,” who kept herself in seclusion, no doubt so no one would see the ravages of the sun on her winsome beauty. Blanche DuBois was a character from Tennessee Williams’ “A Streetcar Named Desire” whose only fault was that she couldn’t stand the light and don’t get her started on bare light bulbs. As for “The Brides of Dracula,” well everyone knows vampires can’t come out during the day. That’s akin to blasphemy!

Of course of all the places in the world to live, I had to choose sunny San Diego, the city where the sun and it’s ilk—Hello, Mr. Blue Skies!–is ever-present. Which means, I’m doomed.

Doomed to age like everyone else, only faster, thanks to the constant, unrelenting sun, which I swear is a lot closer to this part of earth than any other.

I’m sure the sun has its qualities and serves a purpose that benefits the greater good, but right now I can’t think of any. Why? Because I’m going down, and if that’s the case, you’re all going down with me! After all, you can run, but you can’t hide from the unforgiving sun.

Which means I’m toast. Unless I switch to Plan B.

IMG_0027You’re all familiar with Plan B, right?

Outer space! It’s pretty dark in outer space. I know because I recently saw the film, “Gravity.” If you ask me, Sandra Bullock’s skin never looked lovelier and more radiant. That’s what space does to you. Makes you glow like one of those stars up there. And without gravity, sure maybe Sandra floats away, but that’s only because she’s so skinny. That wouldn’t happen to me. I’d stay put, by willpower alone, until George Clooney catches up to me and yada, yada, yada, we canoodle inside the ship.

But I digress.

At least you don’t see Sandra’s skin sagging from the pull of gravity. That’s because there is no pull of gravity!  So why the film wasn’t called “No Gravity,” I haven’t the foggiest.

The point is in outer space the sun has nothing to reflect against and so, voila! No sunlight to age anyone’s skin. Age-defying at its finest!

So, that’s where I’m headed. All I need now is one of those fancy astronaut outfits. I wonder if Michael Kors makes a nice designer one say, in purple or cobalt blue, two of my favorite colors. Maybe I can find a nice, fashionable one on Craig’s List. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

I think I’m finally on to something!

How about you? What are you doing to keep that youthful glow?

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32 thoughts on “Goodbye Sunshine, Hello Plan B!

  1. I’ve struggled with this very thing! I love the sun, but don’t want cancer. Hate wearing all that goopy stuff, too. And I’m planning to move to FL!

  2. Oh Monica, don’t forego the daylight. A little bit of vitamin D is good for you. Just put on a good sunscreen and move. I love the daylight, love the sun and have been known to wander about sandy beaches for hours with nary a change in color all summer. Don’t worry my friend, you are beautiful now and will be till you are 100!

  3. OMG, who can forget Norma Desmond? What a GREAT role for Gloria Swanson! WOW…Or Street Car. Superb. Both films made me SO SAD & Norma scared the sh*t outta me.

    My goal is not to be like HER!

    Yet…I would def. use Botox and stuff like that if I had the money.

    I am such a contradiction.

    Love! XXxx

    • Another one of my favorites is Bette Davis as Margo Channing in All About Eve. Who can forget, “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night!” Classic cinema at its finest!

  4. I know who she is. My dad was a film buff, which he passed on to me, and I to my kids.

    Years ago I was in Palm Springs with my aunt and uncle. I saw too many women who looked like worn out leather chairs. It scared me. Ever since, I am once of those who love the sun, but hide from it and lather my body at all time with some sort of sun screen lotion. To answer your question.. I eat well, drink good wine, and walk – a lot. And lets not forget laughing..

    • Brenda, I’m a film buff because of my older brothers and mother. Also because of growing up in New York. We had three channels and the programming was heavy on old flicks. Saturday mornings weren’t about cartoons, they were about Abbott and Costello films. Ah, the Golden Age of cinema.

  5. Too much sun may be bad for the skin but it’s so good for the spirit 🙂 And from what I hear tell, sunshine is a natural source of vitamin D, which we need. All of which is to say, how can anything in moderation be bad? And how do we do our best not to make ourselves crazy? Yessiree — we write delightful blog posts.

  6. I’ve got ya covered–literally! Sara has a burka you can borrow. Don’t know if you knew she lived in Afghanistan for a year and a half. But, seriously, this is hysterical, Monica! Personally, I have been craving the sun recently. Don’t know why. Still, it’s dangerous here, so close to the equator and at this elevation. Now that I think about it, I may use that burka myself! Sorry!

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

    • Kathy, the burka sounds like a perfect solution so we may have to alternate wearing it. The thing is, for all my talk, I enjoy a nice sunny day like most people, I just don’t want that been in the sun too long look. Sigh. It’s a fine line, or wrinkle. 😉

  7. Oh my Monica, I burst out in fits of laughter. I so enjoyed this post. Who needs the sun, if I laugh the way I do when you write. I’ve convinced myself I will age gracefully if I laugh everyday or at the very least giggle. I have a plan B too.. No gravity or spacesuits involved.. I have decided I will simply eat bits of very dark chocolate to keep the collagen in place and keep my face from falling. Er, no such luck when I drive for long hours and sit outside at soccer practice with my sun hat and sun block but still look like I have tanned two shades of a dark roast coffee bean. I need plan C.

    • You are so kind, MM, laughing at my crazy hangups, aging being one of them. I will not age gracefully, but I won’t do plastic surgery either. Dark chocolate sounds yum. Maybe that’s the solution. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Let me know if you figure out a plan C. I’m all ears (and a few wrinkles). Sigh.

  8. I’m a firm believer in sunscreen AND sunlight. Contradictory? Probably, but that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
    I love the way sunshine makes me feel — healthy and strong. I don’t like wrinkles or age spots on old people, so I cover with hats and sunscreen and sunglasses to ward them off. Isn’t it hard to have your cake and eat it, too??
    And I’ll bet Julia was “touched up” more than a little for that film!

    • I think a bit of sunlight is good then use shade and hats. NO sunscreen. As we use more skin cancer gets worse! Use olive oil SPF of 7 and Saint John’s Wort inflused olive oil even better. (I make it myself!) Even Jojoba has 5 SPF.

      • Wow, that’s very enlightening. You should do a whole post on the subject. Kind of reminds me of what’s happening with antibiotics. We’re running out and that freaks me out. Yikes.

  9. I wear a hat when I think of it, use moisture creme when I think of it. As you can see I have no master plan, much less Plan B or C. Just try to smile as often as I can, and your blog helps with that as does Carl’s.

  10. My theory is that it’s the drying effect of the sunlight and therefore if I eat enough fat I’ll have an internal layer of protection. Butter on toast is so much more pleasant than sunblock.

  11. Youthful glow…. Not for me Monica.

    I am happy to grow old disgracefully, and enjoy the process.

    Some days I feel like an eighteen year old, the trouble is the wife won’t let me have one!!!

  12. You’re forgetting that in space you have radiation to deal with, and that is one deep fryer of the skin just there, and let’s not forget the extreme cold that exists in space too! I could go on about the many other things out there that would make it not too pleasant to be in… Alas, it seems that you and I live under a blue sky and a yellow sun that beams down upon us in it’s full glory. I once covered myself as you describe in your entry, well not really to that extreme, but mostly stayed in doors (worked at a desk 8hrs a day) 30-60 minute lunch breaks, meant 2 minute walks out in the sun and then back inside a shopping complex. Not enough sun for me in the long term, causing vitamin D deficiency. Oh the joys of it… Not.
    Now. I have ample time away from my desk (no longer working, semi-retired) and miraculously, my vitamin D levels have got a boost. I wonder why? Hee hee…
    I say. You only live once. Live is well and live it sensibly!

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