In My Next Life…


…Or Reincarnation Story Number 11:

The next time I’m born I don’t want to have a mouth because if I do I’m probably going to have oral surgery 15 times, as I’ve had in this life and I’m not keen on it, plain and simple.

But wait, if I don’t have a mouth then I can’t eat. Frankly, I don’t mind not having the ability to talk but I don’t want to starve–unless, of course, I take food intravenously, which sounds inconvenient, especially when eating out. Boy, can you imagine ordering? Yes, I’ll have the sushi, intravenously. The spinach salad, intravenously. The Filet Mignon, intravenously–no, wait. I don’t like beef. Doesn’t sit well with me. Bleah!

Okay, so let’s start over. The next time I’m born, I want a mouth, but no gums. I draw the line at gums, for that’s what got me into this viscous cycle of oral surgery in the first place. If need be, I’ll use scotch tape to keep my teeth in place. Sure, they might rattle like chimes when the wind blows but I don’t care. Anything to avoid gums and having to floss. Besides, when I come back, evolution may have eliminated gums and replaced them with something else that can’t get inflamed. I’d be okay with that.

Okay, now where was I? Oh yes, other things I want to see in my next life:

Legs that you only need to shave once and they remain hairless forever. Ditto armpits.

I want to be able to be in two places at once, but only when necessary, like the time I was eight and finally scored a date with Fred, my grade school crush, only to discover it was on the very same day my parents had arranged to visit our cousins in the Bronx. Sheesh! Talk about the one that got away!

I want to have a photographic memory so I can get all A’s in school and remember everybody’s names when I’m out networking at some after-work cocktail party. Heck, I’d be happy just to remember the names of people I encounter everyday, like my kids.

I want to come back with the ability to read maps so that I always know exactly where I’m going. No more disorientation for me, like the time I stayed at the Grand Old Opry Hotel in Nashville and couldn’t find my way to the hotel bathroom because the place is built like a friggin’ maze. Thank heavens my daughter was with me, else I might still be there trying to find my way to the lobby. She was only seven, but somehow managed to get us where we needed to be in two shakes.

I’d like to return with a knack for languages so that when I travel to Italy or China, I can speak the language like a native, after being there only a couple of days.

I want to know what my goals and life ambition are by the time I’m 12 so I don’t sound like a dolt when Aunt Fanny asks me what I want to be when I grow up. That’s assuming I have the same relatives I’ve had in this life, of course.

If I don’t, then I want to be born into a very prominent (read “wealthy”) family, like the Hilton’s, the Rockefeller’s or the Z’s (as in Jay Z). But not the Kennedy’s. They have the worst luck.

In my next life, I want to be a size 2 and 5’8″ tall, so that everything I wear looks smokin’ on me and the biggest fashion designers around beg me to wear their latest fare.  I want to be born in the states again–preferably on one of the coasts–but I want to speak with a proper British accent so that I sound like I came out of a Jane Austen novel. Simply posh.

I want to be born with such smarts that scientists consult me before inventing anything, and government officials ask me to weigh in on a gamut of public policy and diplomacy decisions. Astronauts will come to me, wanting to know the best route to Jupiter, and chefs will seek my advice on preparing salmon–poached or flambéed?

The United Nations will ask me to be their ambassador, and I’ll have a direct line to the White House so I can ring up the President whenever I need a personal favor. And I know she’ll be happy to oblige.

By the time I am reborn, Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream will have come true. Race won’t be an issue, as everyone will be judged on their character and not by the color of their skin. The scars of slavery will be like the sound of a distant drum, and yes, Rodney King, we will at last all get along.

When I return, opportunities will abound for all, including access to a good, affordable education. Guns will be displayed in museums as a relic of the past, eagles will soar and endangered species will thrive. The polar caps will freeze again, polar bears will dance the Horah, and chocolate will come in one flavor only: non-fattening.

What? You can’t imagine a future like that–with my reincarnated self in it?

Well, look at Steve Jobs! He’s first on the list of 10 Interesting Cases of Supposed Reincarnation. Word has it that he’s a celestial philosopher in some glass palace overlooking Apple headquarters. (Naturally he’d want to be near his company, to keep an eye on things.)

If he can do it, then I assure you, so can I! Reincarnation Story Number 11. That’s going to be me!

Of course, it goes without saying, but please don’t hold your breath.

Now, how about you? What improvements would you like to see in your next life?

37 thoughts on “In My Next Life…

  1. I can’t imagine eating thru a tube to be any fun. That’s worse that starting a no-salt diet, which I pretty much do. I’m used to it now but that’s where I draw an absolute line. How will you get chocolate thru the needles? And what about smelling good food without it flavoring up your taste buds? Yeah, you’re right to change your mind. I’ve had oral surgeries and whatnot, so I know it’s no fun. One surgeon was relaying a story of a woman who stopped breathing to his asst as he was working on me and how he had to bang her in the chest to get her up and running again. I would’ve bitten him for lack of bedside manner but my mouth was gaped wide open.

    • Tots, eating intravenously will certainly be cumbersome. Maybe I’ll have genetically enhanced gums that won’t go bad or need surgery. Hope that’s not too much to wish for. As always, your comment made me laugh. Thanks!

  2. ***** so I can ring up the President whenever I need a personal favor. And I know she’ll be happy to oblige.****

    this entire post is BRILLIANT)))))))))) I love love love XXxxxx

    ps, I may need to plagiarize this! haaaaaaaaaa

    • I’m so glad you noticed that. After all, I just had to put in a plug for our gender. I can’t wait to see the first female prez. In the meantime, please feel free to create your own vision of the future with you in it. I’d love to see what that’ll look like!

  3. Great post and story. I really liked your voice here. I’d copy you with the 5’8″ and size 2, heck, I’d even settle for begin a 7. For me, two things stand out. The first, I would not want to come back with Herman Munster sized feet. Just plan annoying have a size 10 foot. And second, I would follow my heart when it came to living the creative live , of course assuming I came back with the same predisposition.

  4. Your next life sounds exhausting! If I come back, I’d like to have all the collective knowledge that I have acquired so far in this one so I don’t have to make the same mistakes. Oh, and that 5′ 8″, size 2 thing sounds good, too. 🙂

  5. Monica I have been in fits over this post, due to a book review I have to get done, I have held back… Holding back no more, my friend 🙂

    Oh my oral surgery… Once is horrid. 8 times, even worse. Gums are a pain, could they not invent a more convenient flossing system?
    Your oral surgeries are as bad as my uterine surgeries, I keep wondering how many more???

    Um, shaving… Yuck! No more shave bumps, waxing or threading, I want something better than electrolysis, I’d like to be the person that invents natural but permanent removal of unwanted hair.
    Erm, I would be like to be the one Colind Firth who would naturally come back as himself – now that we’ve established that – comes to when he needs to consult someone about scripts, movie roles and well, be his friend.

    Ditto on the languages… Italian and French please. I’d like to land in Italy speaking like a native. Then move on to France and speak it as fluently there…forget Rosetta Stone.

    Oh and other than a world that is safe for my kids and grand kids.. I would like to be one of those people that naturally adapts to every situation instead of digging my heels in when I have to face change. Who wants change, really?

    No more visits to the surgeon Monica, no more.

    • MM, Love your additions. Plus, I love that my post gave you a laugh. But promise me one thing: If you marry Colin Firth in your next life, promise you’ll find me, you’ll search high and low, to invite me to the wedding. I don’t want to miss it!!

      • I will Monica, I will find you. Somehow, you will be a part of it. I have been thinking of his new film ( no release date in the US yet) Railway Man, I hope we get to see it soon. It looks so good.

  6. Well if you didn’t have a mouth you’d still be able to write funny, thoughtful posts like this one 😉 Oh, oral surgery is no picnic even once in a lifetime but just the thought of it brought a delightful riff of reinvention. As for me, I think I’d be a dancer.

    • Deborah, today I had to go back to the dentist’ office because I’m in so much pain. While I was there, I asked the technician, exactly how many oral surgery procedures have I had in this one mouth. The answer? Eight. Eight times have I gone under their knife. That’s 8. I know I have a big mouth but it’s not that big! And yet, 8 is the magic number. Are there more procedures in my future? Well, I’ll just have to wait and see!

  7. I like some of yours. Be smart, and a good typer without typos. Greate memory, no baggage. Spiritual leaders will consult me, too. I’ll win the nobel peace prize for saving the world. Maybe I can still do that in this life…

  8. Wow. That’s quite a list, Monica. You’re coming back as a robot!!
    I hope evolution will somehow take care of women’s monthly cycles. Enough of that, already (but this is not to say I want to come back as a man!)!!

  9. Lol on the Grand Old Opry Hotel. I was there too and totally lost, what a nightmare place, we called it the biosphere. Thatvwas one strange PBS trip.

  10. LOL. I tend to have reincarnation dreams that involve being “care-free”. I’d be happy to come back as someone’s well tended cat or dog, or maybe an otter or a dolphin. People make life too difficult for themselves. And I’d like to come back to a world where people have finally learned not to leave their sxxx where other people (including animal people and plant people) have to sleep and get their water.

  11. Interesting Post Monica, are you having a funny week or something?
    I think about things like this when I am having a funny week!!
    Reincarnated I would be happy to come back as me, the reason being that as me I would have the pleasure of becoming aquainted with you again!!!

    • Not sure about the funny week, but frankly, it’s my latest bout with oral surgery that brought this on. I’m so sick of it and, as I write this, am suffering from severe pain from where they stitched me up. Yikes!

  12. Monica, what a fun post — you’ve touched on all the biggies (especially the shaving part, ha!) I don’t want to be reincarnated here, though. When I die, I want to go to Heaven, where my mansion is. I want no more pain, sorrow, tears. I want exuberant greetings, rather than sad good-byes. And I want to be rejoined with people I’ve loved and lost (like my dad and a couple of my dogs!)

  13. How funny, Monica! I am SOOOOOOOO with you on the shaving thing and the size 2 part! Shaving is a bitch, plain and simple. Plus, I want to be able to eat whatever I want and remain the same size. Have a great week, my friend!

    Hugs from Ecuador,

  14. A world in which there is no poverty and with that comes no homelessness, food and fresh water for all, total respect for all things, living or otherwise.

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