Earlier this summer I told you I was dating–for the first time in eons. Well, here’s what you didn’t know. I’ve been dating someone famous! (Actually, this isn’t true, not in the least!)
Or maybe I should say, someone infamous. Really infamous. Cross my heart, hope to die infamous. (Now, this is true.)
Maybe he’s a bit of a lothario. You could say he looks like Don Rickles and even tosses insults like the comic himself. And without a doubt, he’s in a bit of hot water with all kinds of people. Make that boiling water. Even had to check himself into rehab, but he was such a good patient, he ended up doing a two-week addiction program in less than one. Faster than you can say, “Bob’s your uncle!”
Gosh, I’m so proud of him. (Honestly, I’m not.)
If you’re not quite sure whom I’m talking about, here’s a hint: I live in San Diego, a city also known as America’s Finest City. But lately this fair city has been sporting a black eye. Need another hint?
Well, my wannabee man of the hour is none other than,
“I-can’t-keep-my-hands-to-myself” Mayor Bob Filner!
He’s the guy nearly everybody loves to hate or, at least, wants to see resign from office, on account that he has sexually harassed 18 women—and counting. I mean allegedly. (I’m obliged by my lawyers to say “allegedly” since he hasn’t been tried in a court of law; only in the court of public opinion.)
But whose opinion are you going to believe, anyway? Bob’s or all the women who continue to come forward? As the mayor explains it, he’s just an affectionate guy, willing to flirt and cuddle with any woman, no matter her age, political affiliation or shoe size.
Yet I’m probably the only woman in San Diego he hasn’t made a pass at. So, naturally, I’m taking it personally, and just had to get to the bottom of this to figure out why. What am I, chopped liver? (Yes, I’ve been called this all my life.)
So, after phoning him day and night in search of answers, he finally takes my call. (Not really.)
“Why, Bob, why?” I plead. (Actually, this call never happened, but I’m delusional, so let’s continue with this charade.)
“Why what?” He demands.
“We met, Bob. (We really did meet–twice!) We shook hands, and then nothing. No passes. No winks. No panting. You didn’t even try to stick your tongue in my ear. What gives?”
“Who is this??” He demands again.
“Stop playing hard to get, Bob.”
“Get security!” he yells to someone in the room with him.
“Oh, come on, Bob. Just whisper one sweet nothing into the receiver.”
“Lady, I don’t know you from Adam. But well, okay. What are you wearing?” He asks in a sexy voice.
“Good enough!” I shout as I hang up the phone.
You see? That pretty much sealed the deal and clearly counts as a pass. Which makes us good and dating!
Now, many of you know how my friend, Sherri once said I should consider dating men in prison, the kind who are serving life for knocking off their wives. I even wrote about it, My Men in Stripes. (Thanks, Sherri, for the brilliant suggestion!)
But, I’m thinking, why wait until they get to prison? Why not shop around for the louse now, before he gets 25 to life? Lucky me, I didn’t have to look too far to find my perfect specimen. Oh, Bob.
Which is why, in my estimation, Bob and I are like two peas in a pod.
Though, he’s a handful that one. And by handful, I mean he simply can’t keep his hands to himself. Always trying to canoodle with someone. Why, just yesterday, I saw him make googly eyes at the hundreds of protesters calling for his resignation. And that was after he blew kisses at Gloria Allred.
And though he’s currently being investigated for misuse of city funds—what’s a trip to Paris, among friends anyway?—there’s a certain cache in dating a mayor. That’s why I keep sending him emails that say,
“Bob, you stand by your convictions and don’t let the people bully you out of office.”
I mean, do you really think he wants to stay? No! I’m sure he’s only holding on as mayor for me!
If you ask me, Mayor Bob is such a naughty boy for a 70 year old. But, the way I see it, I could do a lot worse.
I could be dating America’s Twitter darling, Anthony Wiener, and what kind of a relationship would that be? I mean, there’s a limit to how many times you can look at photos of his junk.
Which is just one more reason why Bob’s the one for me.
And, all I had to do was loosen my values, toss my moral core out with the baby and the bath water, and throw all sense and self-respect out the window. But isn’t it worth it just to have a man I can call my own?
Word on the street is that the pressure’s on for Bob to resign. Let’s just hope I have at least one more day to brag about my new boyfriend, the mayor. What a catch!
Not to diminish your own talent for the humorous write but I hope you will accept as compliment that it seemed like another of Dave Barry’s rants. Good job.
Carl, I take that as a tremendous compliment. Thank you!
This is silly and wonderful, just like you!v Love the humor this morning! xo
I heard it was horrible out there in the “dating world,” but this is ridiculous!
talk about a bunch as wieners.
Well you heard right, Kim. It is horrible, but do desperate times call for desperate measures? Let’s hope not!
Bob’s certainly a winner, or would that be, a Weiner, isn’t he? Happy to see he was willing to be inappropriate with you, too. Funny post.
Ha ha! Yes, he’s a Weiner, too. Especially if you heard his resignation speech, the one where he still insists he’ll be proven innocent of any wrong-doing/harassment. The nerve.
Oh, Monica why not. You would know he is louse up front, no question of his ethics or morals.
This was the very best thing I have read in a very long time. Thank you, I truly did need to laugh.
Val, This story was just too crazy not to make a mockery of it–and I’m glad I did!
Very funny, Monica . . . Yes, he does look like Don Rickles.
I totally agree, Deborah. He even spews insults like Rickles. I don’t know what it is about him, but he can’t seem to stop himself. Rehab did nothing for him, I tell you.
Yes, your city is a tad tarnished these days. I shouldn’t talk, my city has it’s own issues. All that aside, you’re post is hysterical. I wouldn’t for him to get 25 to life, date him now. NOOOOO! Love your wit, woman. ps, that’s a scary picture. I wouldn’t want to be alone in an elevator with that guy.
Brenda, I’m so glad it gave you a good laugh. This drama has been playing here full force all summer, but now that he’s resigned a new drama is about to begin–the race for a new mayor. Seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry is tossing their hat in the ring. Maybe I will, too. Now, wouldn’t that be a hoot!
Too funny, Monica! It’s embarrassing though, isn’t it, living in a city with such a character for a mayor? Why, we know ALL about that, living in Illinois — both of our last two governors went to prison! At least Bob is standing strong — on the OUTSIDE, ha!
Debbie, he resigned today! He’ll still be mayor for another week but our days together are numbered. Sigh.
Okay, Monica, this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Well done, my friend! Especially laughed that your friend thought you should date men in prison. I’m gonna have to read THAT post!
Hugs from Ecuador,
Kathy, Sherri’s point was, why limit yourself to law abiding partners when there’s a fresh pool of newly-single men in prison who’ve murdered their wives? It was certainly hard to find any holes in her argument. 😉
What can I say, except, I am so darn proud to be tbe “Sherri” who sent you down this incredible path. Wow, Bob, oh Bob……better hurry Mon, think he struck a deal and after tomorrow, no more political clout,makes him so darn less appealing. BTW how is Baretta anyway.? Love Sherri
I know, Sher, you should be! How many stories have I milked out of my jail boys? Probably too many! But you like this solution, right? I mean, that Bob sure is a catch. 🙂
Power and Sex, what more could a gal ask for? This was great! Your writing is always something I look forward to….thanks
How quickly power goes to one’s head, especially if you’re a politician, no? If you ever see me get that inflated by power, you have my permission to slap me. 😉
Ha! Haaa Monica, I was in fits. You funny lady you. You just about made my day.
Well, Anthony Wiener is a different kettle of fish, he really is. he just cannot get enough of himself, poor us. As for Bob, well, he’s been busy hasn’t he? a lot going on for him.
Bob may be my boyfriend but he’s the worst mayor ever. A blight on all San Diegans. Enough is enough!
Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.
Thanks as always for reblogging! It’s so exciting when I see that you’ve done that. It leaves me tickled pink!
I am glad you can get tickled…especially pink!!! 😎
Thanks for injecting some levity into this awful situation. We have so much work to do in SD and this scandal is dragging us down. Let’s hope it can be resolved without a lengthy court battle.
Shary, I think we’re going to see a resolution as early as tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
Oh dear should I be worried as the abbreviation of my name Robert is of course Bob!!!
Thankfully I never ever answer to the name Bob!!!
Then again of course if I was musically inclined and played a musical instrument you would guess what it was in an instant when you called me Bob and I replied HaMonica!!!!
I know terrible humour and I am actually only good at whistling out of tune, but it’s one of those weeks….
You should definitely worry, especially if this Bob’s your uncle!
LoL! You’re a hoot! Love your sense of humor. In fact, you sound too much like one of my close friends. She’s just as crazy as you are! Way too funny. 😜
Thanks, Gina! Glad you enjoyed my tongue-in-cheek story!