If you watched the Oscars earlier this week, then you already know.
That I wasn’t invited to present an award or to perform one of the nominated original songs.
Furthermore, unlike years past, none of the winners refused to accept the award on account of the plight of polar bears in the Antarctic, pirates in the Red Sea, or because they don’t believe that what happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas.
“Argo” wins for best picture (and isn’t even nominated for Best Costume Drama). Sigh.
Not a soul gave a shout out to the Pope for being the first Pope to resign, not just in decades, but in centuries. And no one speculated on whether Kate and William are expecting a boy or a girl.
No one said boo about the impending sequestration this Friday, though First Lady Michele Obama, who presented the best picture award, came close when she winked into the camera. I know it was her way of saying, “Run for the hills! The sequestration is upon us!”
Yet, if anyone had done any of the above, it probably would have been Kristen Stewart, in an effort to distract us from her messed up hair, bruised arm, and an angry look that said, “I was just making out with Quentin Tarantino, but if you tell Robert Pattinson, I’ll come after you.”
And, by the way, blame me for Kristen’s hairdo. Or lack of it. Earlier that evening she’d lost her hairbrush and asked me to run to Target to buy her a new one. I was in such shock that she’d actually spoken to me at all, I plumb forgot. (Actually, it’s safe to say we never met.)
Anyway, on to my other observations of the evening:
The Oscars are predictable. Pretty much because anyone who’s won in other award shows, ends up winning an Oscar, too, and yes. If you ask me, Argo deserved Best Picture, Best Director (which it didn’t get, thanks to the incomprehensible wisdom of the Academy—sorry, Ben!); and Best Costume Drama (also did not get, don’t ask my why). I mean, did you ever see so many cool, retro fashions from the 70s since, well, the 70s? It’s like they raided The Rockford Files set and crashed head on into the cast of Barney Miller. And, I swear one of those women was wearing the exact same pair of glasses I had back then. The kind that are so big, you look like you have the face of a fly. It’s no wonder they called me Bug Eyes back then. Sheesh.
The Academy makes mistakes. Ergo, leaving Argo’s Affleck out of the Outstanding Director category (and not inviting me to be a presenter).
Either ya got it or ya don’t. Taste, that is. Those who wear stunning gowns always look, well, stunning, and those who wear “What was she thinking?” outfits, clearly never do.
Unlikely duos #1: And, will somebody tell me why First Lady Michele Obama presented with Jack Nicholson, of all people? What was that all about? When he introduced her, I thought it was a joke, and I kept waiting for the punchline. In fact, I’m still waiting.
Unlikely duos #2: There is such a thing as monologues that overstay their welcome. McFarlane’s seemed like it would go on forever. In fact, I’d appreciate if someone explained to me the William Shatner and Seth McFarlane bit. A little strange, a little off. But, it did provide McFarlane an opportunity to showcase his singing and dancing talents. Loved the soft-shoe he did with Daniel Radcliffe and that other guy whom I’ve seen before but can’t remember his name.
Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford in “The Way We Were.”
Sexism is for the birds. Maybe it’s me, but the “We Saw Your Boobs” number was dumb and pointless. Haven’t we moved beyond such rudimentary “entertainment” by now? Last I checked, the sixties are over, so it’s okay not to be sexist. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.
I loved when the cast of Le Miserables came out and sang, in my estimation, one of the best songs of the musical. So riveting, emotional and empowering. Made me want to get up and fight the French Revolution with the rebels. Come on-a my house, Hugh Jackman, and I’ll give you one day more!
Finally, Barbra Streisand’s tribute to Marvin Hamlisch. Beautiful. Tugged at my nostalgic-ridden heartstrings, harkening me back to the streets of New York City, saying goodbye all over again to Hubbell—that gorgeous hunk, aka, Robert Redford–and stroking his hair. Enough said.
Oh and by the way, why wasn’t I invited to present–or sing, for that matter–at the Oscars?? Oh, well. Their loss.
Monica's Tangled Web 
I missed the show (I may have been writing?) but reading this and the comments, make me feel like I saw it – with the best snark served up on the side.
Wonderful post. 🙂
Yes. Leaving Ben Afflick out of best director for Argo was fifty shades of wrong.
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com
Fifty shades of wrong, indeed. You are so right! And, what a great way to put it, too. I really think Ben has found his calling and I can’t wait to see what film he’ll make next. Thanks for stopping by and commenting! 🙂
It’s train-wreck television every year, but still we watch and probably for that reason. Seth made Ricky Gervais look like he had class. And please! Let silly schtick and more time for the people being honored to actually be honored. I hate it when they get cut off and that awful “Jaws” music — ! I would have liked to see Les Mis win more and can’t believe Toby Hooper didn’t get nominated for director for the film. But at least Spielberg didn’t win. “Lincoln” was a snooze.
Jayne, I really didn’t like or appreciate the “Jaws” music. I found it insulting. These people who win deserve more than 30 seconds to say something. It’s their moment to show appreciation for the award and that music, which kept getting louder until it drowned out whoever was speaking, was a despicable way to handle.
I don’t watch the Oscars. Can’t stand the egos and how much attention is given to the entertainment industry. ugh. Just can’t stomach it!
I think I know what you mean. Lately, I’ve developed a love/hate relationship with it but, after watching it for decades, it’s a habit that’s hard to give up. Sigh.
~~~~Monica,
I haven’t missed the Oscars since 1978!
I Loooooooooooooove your perspecive, review & wit.!!!!
Yes, Kristen Stewart drives me CRAZY. She is utterly Blahhhhhhhhhhhh..So BORING
Seth was Okay. Hated the boob song, but loved his dancing.
Barbara still looks FAB.
PS. I wanted Sally Field to win so she could say: “You love me. You really F-ing love me!”
Superb job. Xxxxx
.
Seriously, Kim, I’ve been watching since so far back, I thought Bob Hope would always host the Oscars. But then again, I thought Guy Lombardo would always host New Year’s Eve and the dropping of the ball in Times Square. 🙂
I am and always have been a Hollywood girl. It’s no secret that I gobble movies down as if they are peanut M&M’s, all flavors. Every year I am planted in front of the tube, and now that I am few years past 21, there is a glass of wine in one hand, and a cell phone in the other (sister and text one another through out, we don’t shat the same zip code). I wait, hold my breath for the first WTF, WHY, NO WAY.. OMG, please shut up you are embarrassing yourself. And then of course, this year, I wondered … where is Monica. I waited and waited. I had to suffer through the bad hair – with all that money she made from Twilight, she couldn’t have her hair done. I was stunned by the First Lady… I didn’t get that one either. I did like Adele’s dress ( so much better than the one she wore at the Grammys), and like you the entire cast coming out was my favorite. Regardless of how unexpected, often odd, always questionable, I will return every year to watch. I suggest we start the Monica campaign now, so next year you will be front and center,
Thanks, Brenda. If you’re able to get me on as host, I will bestow upon you the title of President of my Fan Club. And, then you and I will trip the light fantastic and dance the night away on the staircase to the stars! Think how exciting that’ll be! Now, start inundating the Academy with signatures, petitions, to get me on the show! And, I’ll call my friends at Chanel to whip me up a spectacular gown!
This was my favorite Oscar’s review by far, Monica! I LOVED it!
Thank you, thank you, Jodi. Seems to me, I should get an award for my overview of the evening. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’m going to nominate myself for something, as soon as I figure out what. Glad you enjoyed it!
This post was awesome and perfect because I didn’t watch the Oscars and this was a great way to get filled in 😉
Nate, now it’s as if you watched the entire ceremony, right down to the closing credits. So tell me, what else can I watch for you and then fill you in? Name it. For you, anything.
What a precise but also absolutely hysterical summary. Snubbery makes for great writing material 🙂
Astra, being snubbed is the story of my life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been passed over for the Pulitzer Prize, the Nobel Peace Prize, the Girl Scout of the Year Award, and the Little League Trophy. Sheesh!
I don’t watch, they bore me. I am glad I have friends like you to provide color commentary. Now, if the shows hired you I would watch perhaps then I could stay awake! With your thoughtful and witty observations, I will go find the You Tube out takes and watch the highlights.
If they hired me, periodically, I’d look at the camera and pull on my ear which would be my signal to you. Then, I’d shout, “Hey, Val! Wake up!” And that would hopefully embarrass you, even though no one would have any idea who I was talking to. 😉
So loving, so good to have friends willing to humiliate you.
You did it again and filled my morning with humor….I would just like to add a question of what were they drinking back stage because Renee Zelwiger (sorry about the spelling) definitely hopped aboard that train…
Now that you mention it, Renee did seem out of sorts. I wonder what was up with her? Perhaps someone slipped her a mickey? Hmm… 😉
Again, I say to you my friend… you are just the wittiest and smartest, you made my morning. I was sleepy and groggy at 5.45, getting ready wake up my troops for school, here you are making me giggle out aloud *giggling still*
First of all, what was that song about, um, women’s breasts? Honestly. And I thought William Shatner was funnier than Seth McFarlane at that point. The soft shoe number – yes!! Brilliant, love Daniel Radcliffe and er, don’t remember the other kid’s name but I watched him on 3rd rock from the sun and other movies. He is a wonderful actor. Charlize Theron was beautiful and oh my word, Shirley Bassey at 70, how marvelous was she? and Adele, who needs to do nothing more than stand there and sing, I think, along with the cast of Les Miserables, they were my favorite parts of the show. I am so disturbed that Ben Affleck was not even nominated, I went on a rant all by myself. He won a SAG and a Golden Globe, how was he overlooked? I wanted to write a letter …What an insult. How brilliant is Argo?
I have lots more to say… But I won’t 😉 I just love this post, you asked the questions we have all been wondering, ourselves. Good on you!
MM, how could I forget Shirley Bassey? She was awesome, looking great. That song is my favorite hands-down 007 number. Goldfinger was the first James Bond movie I ever saw. I remember, I was just a kid and my mother took me. It was so thrilling to see! Glad you liked my post; especially glad it made you laugh out loud! 🙂
Monica, I knew I could count on you to summarize the Academy Awards — isn’t that one reason I didn’t watch now?! As for why they didn’t ask you to present or sing, well, they just messed up big time! And now that they know, maybe they’ll mend their ways for next year (though I understand the ceremony takes place right in the middle of the Winter Olympics!)
I’ve been watching the Oscars for as long as I can remember. And as a kid I was watching on the east coast, where it would end at 11pm or midnight and it always aired on Monday nights. I was probably the only kid that went to school with circles under my eyes, because I couldn’t miss a minute of it. It was the most exciting highlight of the year! (Well, almost! 😉 )
All so true! And I agree… my two favorite parts were the softshoe and the Les Mis number. I guess the Tony Awards are more my speed. 🙂 Loved watching the Oscars with you.
It was so much fun hanging with you, too, Shary. But next time I want to make sure we watch it all in HD! 😉
Since you were obviously snubbed, Monica, please consider this a formal invitation to sign next year at our Ladies Night at the Oscars! In fact, with your wit, you could be our host as well.
Oh yes! I can’t wait!
Perhaps we should nominate you to host next year. Clearly your wit and humor far exceed what we saw this year. Of course all the newspapers will talk about the next day is which designer did your dress.
By all means. I’d love to! Finally! My 15 minutes of fame awaits. 😉
Such a witty post! You’re right, it’s amazing no one referenced your astute observations in your 4th paragraph! You’re right that “Boob” number seemed labored and provincial for the times…who thought that up? They need Monica to really feel the pulse of the Oscar audience.
The best moment was Ben Affleck’s acceptance speech…no one could have written that and it was in stark contrast to this year’s host’s very packaged, not so spontaneous, very prepared delivery. I would congratulate the writer of the “the film’s director is unknown to the academy” remark referencing the top secret nature of the Argo mission. Touché.
Thank you, Georgette. I’m glad you know what I’m talking about. I remember the glory days of the Oscars, back in the 60s and 70s. What fun they were then. Always looked forward to seeing what Cher would be wearing.
You have done it again Monica with a witty humorous post.
Now I will state at the start I am not a fan of award shows, I can’t see the point, except perhaps prove that some of the old timers are not dead. All this kissing does nothing for me either when the so called stars meet. I can imagine two women meet hug air kiss each other and as they move away from each other one mutters “Bitch” and the other mutters “Cow”. It’s all so fake.
I have this vision of you in the middle of the stage singing with young Henry doing a tap dance next to you and howling if you go off key at any time. I just can’t decide what you would sing, me and my shadow perhaps?
As for Michele Obama I would love to meet her as I reckon she has a streak of mischief running through her. You can see it in her eyes as she looks at people.
The so called Blockbuster films do nothing for me, I prefer to dig on iTunes for the stuff under £5 you can find some real gems there amongst the dross. The last time I went to the cinema to see a film it was to see one of the Harry Potter films as the wife wanted to go, I fell asleep half way through apparently.
Two actresses I do like are Anne Hathaway and Lindsay Lohan, I feel very sorry for Lindsay, she just looks as though she needs genuine help and a big hug. Anne is just a good actress full stop and is one of the few that don’t appear to walk bent over with their head shoved up their rear end.
So there you have it a non-experts view of a night of self congratulation, and as always I can’t help but think how much good the money it cost could have done spent elsewhere.
Thank you, Robert. Too bad you don’t watch. You have no idea what you’re missing. Of course, I still miss Bob Hope. I love when he hosted the Oscars and he did it for years!