Turns out, I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, and there’s one spot I’ve never bothered to check. Nearly missed it altogether. Until now, that is.
So, goodbye Plenty of Fish, JDate, and SingleParent. Farewell, OK Cupid, Our Time and eHarmony. It’s been swell, Match.com.
And, hello, Senator Barbara Boxer. You’re my new best friend!
Why, you ask?
Well, haven’t you heard through the grapevine? Didn’t you read about it in Saturday’s edition of the New York Times?
News flash: Though U.S. senators don’t carry guns through the halls of the Capitol, they may very well be slinging an arrow or two. Make that, Cupid’s arrow. Put it this way: There’s at least one senator who has his arrow of love always at the ready.
According to the Times, Senator Chuck Schumer (D, NY) has, over the years, brought together countless staff members, and, with a little nudge or two, he’s helped them attain the age-old quest for amoré. Suffice it to say, that this has resulted in a number of his staff falling head over heels, and tying the knot.
In other words, Schumer is a yenta.
That’s Senator Chuck Schumer to you. But to me, he’s the genuine article. A matchmaker who will find love for you faster than you can say, “Snap out of it!”
He loves love and seeing singles, well, couple up. But, the way I see it, Schumer’s in New York. I’m in California. Which means, I’m way out of his league—and his constituency. He has no incentive to help me, seeing how I don’t even work for him. Therefore, I must look a little closer to home for assistance. Which is why, I’m making a phone call.
“Good afternoon. Senator Barbara Boxer’s office.”
“Am I speaking to the office of the Senator Barbara Boxer, Democratic senator of California?”
“The one and only.”
“Hi, I’m one of the senator’s constituents. I live in Southern California and am a law-abiding citizen, who always remembers to take out her trash on pickup day, and pay her water bill on time. I must talk to Senator Boxer about a very important matter. Is she in?”
“What issue are you calling about?”
“One that is most urgent, and can mean the difference between being moonstruck or getting hit by a meteor.”
“Are you calling about Medicare? You sound like you’re on life support.”
“No, I am calling about something that’s very important, and critical to my well being. As one of her constituents, I know she’ll want to help me. Frankly it’s personal, and I’d prefer speak directly to her.”
“Ma’am, you’ll need to tell me what you’re calling about. I can’t put you through unless you do.”
“Uh, okay. I need to talk to the senator about finding me a match.”
“Excuse me? A match? Is this a call about arson? Are you reporting a wildfire? If so, you need to hang up and call 9-1-1. We don’t handle emergencies.”
“This is an emergency but not that kind of emergency. I need Barbara to find me a date. By the way, can I just call her Babs? I feel like we should be on friendlier terms if she’s going to help me in this way.”
“You may call her Senator Boxer. In any case, the senator doesn’t handle such requests. You need to go find yourself an online dating service.”
“I have tried several online dating services. Hundreds, in fact! To no avail. Babs is my only hope! All I need is for her to find me a guy. He should be funny, responsible, sensitive and able to read at least at the 7th grade level.
“And, he should be a fan of Arrested Development and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Furthermore, he should know who Brian Williams is and not be a mumbler. I hate mumblers. Finally, sense of humor is very important. Oh, and no emotional baggage, please. I have enough for the both of us.”
“Ma’am, what makes you think Senator Boxer can help you?”
“Because that’s what senators are for, aren’t they? To help their constituency? Senator Schumer has been helping his staff find perfect matches. While I don’t work for Babs, I’m not asking her to hire me and then find me a match. She can cut to the chase and just get me a date for Saturday night.”
“Let’s say she did do this for you, what would you do for the senator in return?”
“Why, I’d be forever grateful! I’d recommend her dating services to everyone–well, only to those living in California. I figure she’d want to set boundaries as to whom she sets up. I’d take her out for coffee and I’d even use my secret recipe for chocolate chip banana bread and bake her a loaf. One bite and she’d be hooked for life. So, can you please transfer me to Babs?”
“Not going to happen.”
“You mean, not going to happen today, because she’s busy reviewing legislation?”
“Not today, not ever. But if you send me a loaf of that chocolate chip banana bread, I’ll fix you up with my cousin, Willy. He just got out of prison.”
“Are we talking, Free Willy?”
“Take it or leave it.”
“Is he funny?”
“Only when he drools.”
“Hmm….Okay. Exactly where should I ship the loaf of bread?”
- Chuck Schumer: Senator Cupid? (outsidethebeltway.com)
- With a Full Quiver, Senator Schumer Is Quick to Release Cupid’s Arrows (nytimes.com)