Turns out, I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, and there’s one spot I’ve never bothered to check. Nearly missed it altogether. Until now, that is.
I’ve never asked my state’s senator to fix me up.
So, goodbye Plenty of Fish, JDate, and SingleParent. Farewell, OK Cupid, Our Time and eHarmony. It’s been swell, Match.com.
And, hello, Senator Barbara Boxer. You’re my new best friend!
Why, you ask?
Well, haven’t you heard through the grapevine? Didn’t you read about it in Saturday’s edition of the New York Times?
News flash: Though U.S. senators don’t carry guns through the halls of the Capitol, they may very well be slinging an arrow or two. Make that, Cupid’s arrow. Put it this way: There’s at least one senator who has his arrow of love always at the ready.
According to the Times, Senator Chuck Schumer (D, NY) has, over the years, brought together countless staff members, and, with a little nudge or two, he’s helped them attain the age-old quest for amoré. Suffice it to say, that this has resulted in a number of his staff falling head over heels, and tying the knot.
In other words, Schumer is a yenta.
That’s Senator Chuck Schumer to you. But to me, he’s the genuine article. A matchmaker who will find love for you faster than you can say, “Snap out of it!”
He loves love and seeing singles, well, couple up. But, the way I see it, Schumer’s in New York. I’m in California. Which means, I’m way out of his league—and his constituency. He has no incentive to help me, seeing how I don’t even work for him. Therefore, I must look a little closer to home for assistance. Which is why, I’m making a phone call.
“Good afternoon. Senator Barbara Boxer’s office.”
“Am I speaking to the office of the Senator Barbara Boxer, Democratic senator of California?”
“The one and only.”
“Hi, I’m one of the senator’s constituents. I live in Southern California and am a law-abiding citizen, who always remembers to take out her trash on pickup day, and pay her water bill on time. I must talk to Senator Boxer about a very important matter. Is she in?”
“What issue are you calling about?”
“One that is most urgent, and can mean the difference between being moonstruck or getting hit by a meteor.”
“Are you calling about Medicare? You sound like you’re on life support.”
“No, I am calling about something that’s very important, and critical to my well being. As one of her constituents, I know she’ll want to help me. Frankly it’s personal, and I’d prefer speak directly to her.”
“Ma’am, you’ll need to tell me what you’re calling about. I can’t put you through unless you do.”
“Uh, okay. I need to talk to the senator about finding me a match.”
“Excuse me? A match? Is this a call about arson? Are you reporting a wildfire? If so, you need to hang up and call 9-1-1. We don’t handle emergencies.”
“This is an emergency but not that kind of emergency. I need Barbara to find me a date. By the way, can I just call her Babs? I feel like we should be on friendlier terms if she’s going to help me in this way.”
“You may call her Senator Boxer. In any case, the senator doesn’t handle such requests. You need to go find yourself an online dating service.”
“I have tried several online dating services. Hundreds, in fact! To no avail. Babs is my only hope! All I need is for her to find me a guy. He should be funny, responsible, sensitive and able to read at least at the 7th grade level.
“And, he should be a fan of Arrested Development and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Furthermore, he should know who Brian Williams is and not be a mumbler. I hate mumblers. Finally, sense of humor is very important. Oh, and no emotional baggage, please. I have enough for the both of us.”
“Ma’am, what makes you think Senator Boxer can help you?”
“Because that’s what senators are for, aren’t they? To help their constituency? Senator Schumer has been helping his staff find perfect matches. While I don’t work for Babs, I’m not asking her to hire me and then find me a match. She can cut to the chase and just get me a date for Saturday night.”
“Let’s say she did do this for you, what would you do for the senator in return?”
“Why, I’d be forever grateful! I’d recommend her dating services to everyone–well, only to those living in California. I figure she’d want to set boundaries as to whom she sets up. I’d take her out for coffee and I’d even use my secret recipe for chocolate chip banana bread and bake her a loaf. One bite and she’d be hooked for life. So, can you please transfer me to Babs?”
“Not going to happen.”
“You mean, not going to happen today, because she’s busy reviewing legislation?”
“Not today, not ever. But if you send me a loaf of that chocolate chip banana bread, I’ll fix you up with my cousin, Willy. He just got out of prison.”
“Are we talking, Free Willy?”
“Take it or leave it.”
“Is he funny?”
“Only when he drools.”
“Hmm….Okay. Exactly where should I ship the loaf of bread?”
- Chuck Schumer: Senator Cupid? (outsidethebeltway.com)
- With a Full Quiver, Senator Schumer Is Quick to Release Cupid’s Arrows (nytimes.com)
I think like me everybody feel summer after read this. Thanks for your nice post.
Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed it.
Monica, oh my goodness this post was a hoot! I’m with Shary–matchmaking should definitely be part of a state senator’s profile! I missed the Shumer articles as well–gosh, I feel so out of the loop! That’s what a six week stay in Spain with non-working Internet will do to you! I’m glad I’m halfway back (have I mentioned the mess of a house that welcomed me or the fact that my suitcases are still unpacked?) Sigh. Thanks for the chuckle, chica! 🙂
I’ve never asked my state senator – I think it should be “state’s senator” or would mean Boxer was a member of legislature not senate, right ? I know. I make misstackes all the tome.
Carl. You’re absolutely right. I fixed it, so thanks for letting me know!
Haha!! Make that Babs work for her check! Brilliant, creative, funny as hell!
I know. They all ought to, if you ask me. Oh well.
Glad you liked it!
Monica, I am laughing so hard, I am in some discomfort. My computer decided to play up when I most needed it, and while I saw your post, I didn’t get to read it until today. I am jolly glad I waited. Haaaaa haaaaa. One of the best you have written. I missed the article but boy oh boy, Chuck Schumer sounds awfully sweet. Taking the time to show his staff he truly cares. Now, if they could all get it together and show us they care by not squabbling like 5 yr olds and doing what is important, it would be as sweet as Schumer’s match making.
MM, hope you read the article about Chuck Schumer by now. If not, I have a couple of links to it on this post. It made me look at him in a whole new way!
I’m sorry, but I need to swear on this one…
cuz this was: FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.
I love love love this post. My fave of the month! brilliant. XXXX
Thanks, Kim! Coming from you, I do believe that’s the biggest, most spectacular compliment I’ve ever received!
Oh what a treat to read! Thanks for the laughs, Monica. I never thought about specifying a reading level.
Hi Nancy! Nice to see you around! Glad, too, that you got a few laughs from reading about my “dating” travails. 😉
For the money we pay them, not to mention the pension and health benefits for life, they should certainly do something for us. Maybe you should have asked to speak with “Babs,” and said it was personal. 😉
I’m with you, Jayne. But you know how it is when you call a head honcho of any kind: you have to cut through the chaff, and sometimes it’s harder than you realize. Sigh. I’m going to start tweeting Babs and see if I catch her attention that way.
What a masterpiece! Boy, Monica, was this ever funny! Now, let’s think this thing through, if you have a match made via a member of Congress, it might have to go to committee, then be voted upon, then be up for discussion where no one is able to compromise and what would you wind up with? Maybe not the man of your dreams. Not a prince on a golden stallion. But, what a great Blog you would be able to write to us when the matches start rolling in… Oh, the stories you could tell…
Goodness, Karen, when you put it this way, I may need to reconsider. I mean, what if I’m cornered into going on “Meet the Press,” and I’m asked a ton of questions about my date? What if I have to speak before congress? Might be more trouble than it’s worth. 😉
Monica, I can always count on you for a good laugh to start my day :>)
Glad to provide you with one, Susan. You know me, if there’s a laugh to be had in anything, I’ll find it. 😉
Fabulously funny, Monica! I confess I wasn’t aware Sen. Schumer was setting up folks. Is that part of a senator’s job description nowadays? Funny, but that’s not high on the list here in Illinois!
Well, Debbie, it should be, and there’s only one way to find out! Give them a call. Let them know that the way you vote depends on how helpful they are, whether it’s finding you a mate or taking your clothing to the dry cleaners. After all, might as well see how far they’ll go for your vote! 😉
Doesn’t the Constitution require senators to find eligible partners for their constituents? I’m going to have to review my high school civics textbooks.
Well, Paul, let me know what you find. I’m pretty sure you’re right!
OMG–Monica–this is brilliantly funny. I swear, I haven’t read anything quite this entertaining in ages. Surprised this didn’t appear as one of your HP pieces.
Thank God I’m already hooked up–and not in need of this government service. I suspect my senator wouldn’t get it right!
Wow, Kathy, now you have me smiling from ear to ear! Glowing, too! Thank you for your very nice words. Be thankful you don’t have to deal with this kind of stuff. You’ve got a great partner in Sara and I wish you both all the best. 🙂
I missed the article but I loved the story. Senators would certainly get to know their constituency better if they got their fingers in this matchmaking pie!
Can you imagine, Lisa? Would give us more impetus to vote for them if they helped us in such a personal way.
Well that gave me a good laugh as I was eating breakfast, thanks Monica for a great start to the week.
Robert, I can’t think of a better way to start the week than with a good laugh. Thank you, kindly. Makes me feel good to know I contributed to your day.
Totally brilliant Monica! I loved every sentence! My favorite: “He should be funny, responsible, sensitive and able to read at least at the 7th grade level.” Writing has to catch you off guard. You do this well!
Thank you so much, Jodi!! Means the world to me. I just want to make it clear that reading at fourth grade level is unacceptable. When you think these days, that a lot of what’s out there is geared to 5th, 6th grade level, I’m probably asking for too much. Sigh.
What a crack up! I think matchmaking should definitely be included in a senator’s duties.
Glad I gave you a laugh, Shary. I’m sure Babs knows lots of eligible men she could set me up with. 😉
I read that article to my mom & dad, and we were all cracking up. Sen. Shumer, yenta! Funny post you wrote to expound on the possibilities! Thanks.
Thank you so much, Kat. When I read it, I kept thinking, how come I’ve never had a boss like that? Then it hit me. I could just contact my own senator! Can you imagine the run on senators, if everyone started calling them and asking for a hookup? Then maybe they’d stop bickering about everything else!
Very funny … I’d missed the articles about Shumer. What won’t politicians do? Though I somehow think Chuck might get away with it! We’ll see about Babs!
Thanks, Lisa. I actually think it shows a softer side of Schumer, the fact that he takes the time to care about his staff and making sure they have lives outside the office. Brings the expression, “politics in the bedroom,” to a whole new level! 😉