Has anyone noticed how much weight George Zimmerman has lost lately? The man is so gaunt, you’d think he’s surviving on nothing but Slim Fast shakes. Check out the chain around his waist. It only needed three links to wrap around him completely! I bet you anything, that ankle bracelet they’re making him wear, now that he’s been released, is actually the size of a small hoop earring. Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say the man is fast becoming his own vanishing act!
Anyway, now that he’s out on bail, he’s going to have plenty of time on his hands. And, he’s going to need to earn the big bucks fast to help him pay for his legal team.
Which is why, if you ask me, what George Zimmerman really needs, more than ever, is a complete makeover. Starting with the name. From now on, if anyone asks, it’s George Z.
Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Next, we got to do something about the wardrobe. Sorry, but Mr. Z’s old clothes aren’t doing it for him anymore. He needs clothes that fit his all-new, spiffy physique, and make him ready for primetime.
After all, I’m sure all the talk shows are going to want him—Piers Morgan, Jay Leno, and the ladies of The View, for starters. They’re going to interview him, ad nauseam, to find out how he lost all that weight—and in such short a time, too!
So, shopping at the Big and Tall Barn will no longer be good enough for this fella from the Sunshine State, not when’s he got all this new celebrity cache. We’re talking Brooks Brothers, J. Crew and maybe even, Pac Sun. Now, that’s more like it.
He might even be able to run for office on the NRA ticket. Think of the possibilities! And, I can see him soon doing an ad for life insurance—with the tagline being, what every kid in a hoodie should have.
And, Mr. Z, some advice: You were seen leaving the jail carrying all your belongings in paper bags. What’s up with that? Don’t you know a man of your distinction, who is going to go places, and rise to the top—maybe even get his own reality show, akin to the Jersey Shore (Florida Shore?), should be carrying Louis Vuitton luggage, not grocery bags from the Piggly Wiggly?
And you’re going to need your own posse, not someone identified as an “unidentified male,” seen leaving the jailhouse with you. How about Jay-Z, Chris Brown, Kanye West, or Taio Cruz? I’m sure they’d love to oblige and spend some time with you. I also bet we could get Spike Lee to tweet about your whereabouts, just to help you raise your profile.
And another thing: it was reported on the news that you didn’t make eye contact with the paparazzi as you left the jail. Which is crazy, if you ask me. Those guys are going to become part of your life. Glued to your rear, every step of the way. So, you might as well get to know them and make the most of your time together.
Finally, if you ever do get acquitted, I hope you create your own line of weight-loss products. Because, whatever it is, it sure worked wonders for you, the Neighborhood Watch guy. Think about it. All that walking on your watch did nothing for your waistline, but something else did, so fill us in, Mr. Z!
What was it? Anxiety? Stress? Guilt, perhaps? Be sure to tell us! For, we’d love to hear you confess every detail on how it went down–your weight, that is.
Oh, and by the way, ladies, hands off. Because, if you ask me, Mr. Z could very well be my next prisoner of love!
The verdict is still out, of course. 😉
In other countries George Zimmerman’s photo must not have popped up on everyone’s computer screen every time they logged onto the internet like it did here. That photo reminded me of a certain entertainer’s son who I will not name, but every time I saw it I did a double take. I did notice how different George Z. looked in his recent pics. He no longer looks like C. Enjoyed your take on this. I do have to say I am pretty disgusted by the whole story which has reinforced my anti-gun position.
Savvy, I had heard that the George Zimmerman case had made international news, but now I wonder if I was imagining it, because you’re right, doesn’t seem like his reach was much beyond our borders. Ironically, as I was responding to many of these comments, I had the news on and I heard two different stories about Zimmerman, his bail, etc. How long before someone writes a song about the incident? I can hear it now. 😉
Monica, I love the satirical take on the subject. Isn’t it just like society to focus on things like an accused person losing weight instead of the circumstances. What is wrong with us? I admit I haven’t stayed abreast on the subject but I seriously could not recognize him in the photo in this post! He looks like a different person!
You just wait, Bella. That man has lost so much weight, the next time he shows his face, it’ll be as a model in a catalog for some major retail store. It’s so absurd how we turn folks like George Zimmerman into celebrities. Sigh.
You just watch. Everyone is going to have to have a tote with orange trim now. You’re really twisted, Monica… I like that in a person. 😉
Oh, Jayne, if we hurry we can start manufacturing those totes right now! I love that you think I’m twisted. You’re kind of bent yourself, which is why I so enjoy your blog! Thanks for stopping by! 😉
You crack me with your very British humor… you could also make a case to be his PR person. He couldn’t do better. After you get through with him we’ll be make plates in the big house.
Is my humor British? Why, Brenda, I take that as a compliment for I just adore all things British including their humor. Wait til you see the blog Henry’s been working on for next week. I think you’ll enjoy it. As for Mr. Z, if he wants a good publicist he knows where to find me. Of course, he may rue the day he asks me for help, as I cannot guarantee I’ll have the best intentions for him. 😉
Did you see that he sped off after being released from jail in a white BMW X6?? What’s up with that? Probably just the beginning for him because, for whatever reason, something inside of me tell mes that he’s going to be acquitted. Great, satirical post! Loved it Mon!
Nate, I didn’t see him speed off in a BMW of all things, but I agree with you. Odds are, he’ll be acquitted, because it’s Florida after all. I hope the truth comes out. Thanks for reading!
You are so clever! Well-done!
Thank you, Michael Ann. So glad you stopped by!
Let’s hear it for an appropriately biting spin on a case now out of the hands of the spin doctors . . . the point being that the sound bites we’re too often fed do all of us a disservice when it comes to discerning the facts.
No kidding, Deborah. I often feel that the cable news focuses on one topic and put blinders on to anything else not related to the one topic. Then they beat the living daylights out of that topic until the next big story comes along. Sigh.
I am having a hard time with this case so I’m very glad you found a way to make me smile. He does appear to have lost a lot of weight. Love how you tackle another side of this case…the absurdity of this trial and what is going to have to transpire to get a fair and balanced case put before a court of unbiased jurors. I wish them luck. Thanks for the laugh Monica!
Exactly! Annie, I’m so happy you understand my point! Just wait until this goes to trial. Coverage will be 24/7. The media’s appetite for all things Zimmerman will be insatiable. They’ve already proven that. The guy already posted bail and disappeared from the limelight, but still everyday there’s some mention of him or the case. And the beat goes on…
Oh Monica, I have read, heard and read some more about GZ, I have watched the ladies on ‘The View’ dissect every angle and possibility, I think there is no excuse ( stand your ground or not) for what he did, so it will be interesting to see how this proceeds. What I love is how you have written this post, oh I laughed and laughed – You write so well.
You’re right, MM, there is no excuse. This Stand Your Ground law is scary, envisioning a day when everyone totes guns. You wait. You know how now the schools have zero tolerance for bringing guns to school? How long before the NRA fights this rule and says the rule inhibits our right to bear arms? How long before that happens? Sounds ridiculous, but weirder things have happened!
Monica, that’s my I worry too, some of this country’s most powerful people are attached to the NRA. I fear, like you, that this whole zero tolerance toward guns in schools will soon be a thing of the past. It does not give me any comfort to hear that Mitt Romney owns a gun, if he does win in November( and I am crossing everything, hoping he won’t) you know the NRA will have his support and where does that leave our children?
You and I need to ban together to stop the insanity! 😉
Can you say OJ Simpson repeat? The media will (and is) having a field day with this one. Your post sounds like a bit the Daily Show would do!! Loved it!
Lisa, That has got to be the highest compliment I’ve ever received, that my post sounds like a bit from the Daily Show. I love Jon Stewart and his crew. It would be a dream come true to write for that award-winning (year after year) show, so thank you very much for making my day! 🙂
I think the humor and the possibilities you imagine are cool. For a romantic jewel thief. A pirate or an international bigamist. But the nature of this , well you know, that matter of Trayvon….
Well, Carl, our culture seems to glorify these guys, if by doing so it sells ads, etc. Reality TV could be the perfect venue for this kind of stuff.
Since his new undergarment is the bullet-proof vest, he must be even slimmer underneath. I don’t suppose he’ll be modeling swimsuit styles any time soon.
Not sure I would even want to see him a swimsuit. I think there’s going to be a lot of orange jumpsuits in his future. Though, maybe he can sell his own line of bullet-proof vests. Who knows? Thanks so much for stopping by!
Yeah he’s lost weight the same as I’ve done on a break- up diet. Personally I’d rather be fat.
Well, Heather, if it means being in his shoes, he can keep his weight loss. I certainly can’t imagine ever being in a position where I would make the same decisions. I did at one point have my “own” neighborhood watch, but it was only from what I could see from my window. No guns, no ammo, no stalking people, just gazing out my window which looks out on to a parking lot. Very exciting stuff. 😉
Monica, I’m in awe at your creativity! Yes, Mr. Z had better get used to his “moment of fame.” Perhaps he will get a book deal. Yep, that would be fair to all us “real” writers who’ve labored long and hard for YEARS to attain publication. And Hollywood will probably come calling with a movie, too. Sigh.
You know, Debbie, life isn’t fair. This guy skyrockets to fame for the worst of reasons, yet the appetite, the curiosity to know why, to learn more is so strong, that when the book deal is sealed, it’ll be worth millions. And that’s the sad truth.
Only you could find the humor in this – or perhaps the sad irony. I love the part about the talk shows wanting him for his weight loss secrets. Isn’t it all too true that they focus on such shallow topics sometimes that this seems a likely scenario? And the paper bag? What a hoot! Maybe that is something else he can raise money for – a better ‘tote’.
Renee, I think after he sells his story to Dateline or 20/20, he’ll be able to afford an entire set of Louis Vuitton. Mark my words!
Monica!! I feel embarrassed to say I have no idea who is this Mr. Z, but one thing I know for sure: “What was it? Anxiety? Stress? Guilt, perhaps? Be sure to tell us!” didn’t work for me!!!! I have plenty of those, but none has helped me lose weight!!
Nikky, I am so sorry for assuming everyone knows who George Z is. Please see my response to Robert, who wasn’t familiar with this case, either. That should explain for you who he is. Thanks so much, as always, for reading!
I LOVE this Monica! How do you come up with this stuff? Love the notion of his doing his own version of the vanishing act–as well as the same one Jodi does–the hoodie one!
Seriously, I wish stress made me lose weight. I do anxiety realy well. Think how thin I could be!
Kathryn, I was actually working on another post, which was ready to go. When suddenly I saw the photo of Zimmerman in the courtroom and for the upteenth time I looked at how much weight he’s lost and wondered why no one on the news has mentioned it. To me, it’s the elephant in the room. Then I started thinking about how our culture soon turns the most notorious people into famous celebrities who do the talk circuit, write a book, get a cameo in a movie, and then a reality show. Think Monica Lewinsky, Rod Blagojevich. Within an hour, I wrote this. I’m so glad you liked it!
“Glued to your rear, every step of the way.”
“with the tagline being, what every kid in a hoodie should have.”
My two favorite lines. You crack me up.
Thanks, Jodi. Glad you enjoyed it. Isn’t it the irony of this country? We celebrate notorious fame so easily! 😉
You see Monica some of us in these here foreign parts have no idea who he is.
I do know one thing though, never trust somebody whos name you can’t spell!!
I will have to have an oodle at Google to find out who he is and what he is alleged to have done/not done.
Robert, I am clearly a typical American. One who assumes that because the name George Zimmerman is notorious, so big here in the states, it must be known the world over. I have now added a link, where I first mention his name, to a great site, Huffington Post, that has devoted an entire page to him.
I will try to describe here in a nutshell. Back in late February, Zimmerman was on a neighborhood watch in Florida, where he lives. He claims he saw a suspicious person in the neighborhood and began to follow him. He called 9-1-1, which is the police emergency number, and they warned him not to follow the person. He apparently continued because the end result was that he shot and killed this person, who turned out to be a 17-year-old African American youth, who was in the neighborhood to visit his girlfriend. The reason he looked suspicious, according to Zimmerman? He was wearing a hoodie sweatshirt and had his hand in his pocket, not because he was carrying a gun, but because he was getting a bag of candy, Skittles, and eating it.
The shooting was even more shocking because it revealed that in Florida, the law says you can shoot someone in self defense. The law is called “Stand your Ground.” But was this self-defense? Or was it a racial issue? Did the boy, Trayvon Martin, really attack Zimmerman, as he claims? Or, was he provoked into it because Zimmerman was following him with a gun?
Because of the Florida law, the police did not arrest Zimmerman. They took his word for the way things transpired and left it at that. Nothing was done. Until recently, when it became a national story and there have been protests across the country until finally Florida authorities had to address it. The police chief “temporarily” resigned and finally, Zimmerman, who had gone into hiding, was arrested.
Click on the link, in the first paragraph, for more info. Thanks!
Thanks for adding the links.
As we say here he looks a nasty piece of work, Having read the links I think he did wrong. But it’s difficult to make a judgement without reading all from both sides.
The only person who knows what really happened and that’s Zimmerman and I can’t see him being truthful if by doing so he condemns himself, that’s human nature.
The other person who would what happened, Trayvon, can no longer give his side of the story. (Oh and by the way, Spike Lee tweeted the home address of Zimmerman’s parents–or so he thought. It turned out to be the address of a family with no relation to Zimmerman, causing Spike Lee to apologize, and I think he sent that family a gift of some sort.