Has anyone noticed how much weight George Zimmerman has lost lately? The man is so gaunt, you’d think he’s surviving on nothing but Slim Fast shakes. Check out the chain around his waist. It only needed three links to wrap around him completely! I bet you anything, that ankle bracelet they’re making him wear, now that he’s been released, is actually the size of a small hoop earring. Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say the man is fast becoming his own vanishing act!
Anyway, now that he’s out on bail, he’s going to have plenty of time on his hands. And, he’s going to need to earn the big bucks fast to help him pay for his legal team.
Which is why, if you ask me, what George Zimmerman really needs, more than ever, is a complete makeover. Starting with the name. From now on, if anyone asks, it’s George Z.
Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Next, we got to do something about the wardrobe. Sorry, but Mr. Z’s old clothes aren’t doing it for him anymore. He needs clothes that fit his all-new, spiffy physique, and make him ready for primetime.
After all, I’m sure all the talk shows are going to want him—Piers Morgan, Jay Leno, and the ladies of The View, for starters. They’re going to interview him, ad nauseam, to find out how he lost all that weight—and in such short a time, too!
So, shopping at the Big and Tall Barn will no longer be good enough for this fella from the Sunshine State, not when’s he got all this new celebrity cache. We’re talking Brooks Brothers, J. Crew and maybe even, Pac Sun. Now, that’s more like it.
He might even be able to run for office on the NRA ticket. Think of the possibilities! And, I can see him soon doing an ad for life insurance—with the tagline being, what every kid in a hoodie should have.
And, Mr. Z, some advice: You were seen leaving the jail carrying all your belongings in paper bags. What’s up with that? Don’t you know a man of your distinction, who is going to go places, and rise to the top—maybe even get his own reality show, akin to the Jersey Shore (Florida Shore?), should be carrying Louis Vuitton luggage, not grocery bags from the Piggly Wiggly?
And you’re going to need your own posse, not someone identified as an “unidentified male,” seen leaving the jailhouse with you. How about Jay-Z, Chris Brown, Kanye West, or Taio Cruz? I’m sure they’d love to oblige and spend some time with you. I also bet we could get Spike Lee to tweet about your whereabouts, just to help you raise your profile.
And another thing: it was reported on the news that you didn’t make eye contact with the paparazzi as you left the jail. Which is crazy, if you ask me. Those guys are going to become part of your life. Glued to your rear, every step of the way. So, you might as well get to know them and make the most of your time together.
Finally, if you ever do get acquitted, I hope you create your own line of weight-loss products. Because, whatever it is, it sure worked wonders for you, the Neighborhood Watch guy. Think about it. All that walking on your watch did nothing for your waistline, but something else did, so fill us in, Mr. Z!
What was it? Anxiety? Stress? Guilt, perhaps? Be sure to tell us! For, we’d love to hear you confess every detail on how it went down–your weight, that is.
Oh, and by the way, ladies, hands off. Because, if you ask me, Mr. Z could very well be my next prisoner of love!
The verdict is still out, of course. 😉