Liz, Pierre and Siri

I need to find myself a larger home. I’m not kidding. It seems the one I’m living in isn’t big enough anymore. Not since my new roommates moved in. The ones that go by the name of Liz, Pierre and Siri.

Oh, I haven’t told you about them?  Well, allow me to fill you in.

Henry doesn't know what to make of all these roommates.

Liz has been living with me for two years now, ever since I got my new Camry back in 2010. She’s my GPS assistant, and knows this city like the back of her hand. If she had one, that is.

In fact, Liz knows how to get around anywhere in the whole country, probably even Canada and Mexico, assuming we ever ventured out there. Unfortunately, the only place she can’t get me to is Hawaii.

I know this because, on a lark, I once asked her to take us there.  We got as far as the Pacific Ocean, which means we drove west for 8 minutes. Once there, she broke down in tears, realizing she didn’t know the rest of the way. And, I didn’t have the heart to tell her it would be impossible to get there, anyhow, by crossing the ocean in a car.

“What can I tell you?” she said, “I’m landlocked.”

“Don’t worry, Liz. I know it’s not your fault.”

“I’m only human,” she replied, choking on her words.

“Well, actually, about that,” I said.

Then there’s Pierre, whom I assume is French Canadian. I don’t know why I assume this,  except that his accent is rather robotic and clearly that can only mean he’s from Canada. He may even be an undocumented worker—one never knows with Canadians. Every time I ask him for his identification papers he ignores me, but, I put up with him because he’s my butler. And by butler I mean, he takes phone messages for me when I’m away.  Though lately, he hasn’t had much to do, given that I’ve rid myself of my landline once and for all.

My latest roommate arrived last month when I joined the millions of cell phone users who depend on Siri, that clever gal who comes with her very own iPhone 4S.

My only problem, is that I’ve yet to get into the habit of using Siri. I mean, here I have a helper, a personal assistant and I don’t delegate anything to her! I’m still doing it all myself, while she props her feet on my coffee table, watches TV all day long and waits for me to give her something to do. Go figure.

So, the other day, I decided it was time to sit down with the roomies and tell them that, from now on, they’d have to pull their weight.

Which is when Pierre, said, “Excuse me, I think I hear the phone ringing,” and left.

Liz, said, “Don’t pressure me. I’m still feeling bad about our ill-fated trip to Hawaii.”

Siri, flippantly added, “How much are you going to pay me? I’m an Apple and I don’t come cheap, you know.”

Which is when I replied, “Well, then, what good are you, roommates, if you can’t help around the house? Can you at least help me with my blog?”

Liz offered, “I can do a blog on the best way to get from California to New York,” to which, I shook my head and said “I think that’s already been done by a guy named Mapquest.”

Pierre yelled from the kitchen, “Don’t look at me for help! I’m all thumbs when it comes to typing.”

Siri added, “The best thing I can do for you is remind you when it’s time to write your blog. That’s my forte.”

“You mean, you can nag her about it, right Siri?” Pierre said sarcastically.

“Alright, alright,“ I replied, feeling defeated.  “You guys are a bunch of freeloaders, so forget I said anything.”

“Great!” said Liz. “How about you make it up to us by taking us to see a movie? I know a great drive-in and can get us there in not time flat.”

“I can look it up and tell you the schedule,” chimed in Siri.

“I’d make us a reservation for dinner but, Mon Cherie, you got rid of the landline.”

“Okay, okay, enough! I’m not going anywhere with you guys until you learn to tow the line.” And, with that, I went upstairs.

Which is when Siri turned on the Tivo, and the four of them sat down for a game of Canasta, followed by a round of Word with Friends.

59 thoughts on “Liz, Pierre and Siri

    • Jayne, don’t get me started on HAL. That was the most frightening part of what I considered an otherwise dull film. I was young and didn’t get it. My brother, who is six years older, was obsessed by it. But it sure was considered a revolutionary film, wasn’t it?

    • What can I say, Ariana, but with a little imagination, anything can come to life for me. Which makes this house of mine pretty crowded. It’s a wonder we can get any sleep around here with all their yacking! 😉

  1. You are truly a woman connected and living the life of connection. I think your roommates are taking advantage of your good loving nature and maybe you should threaten them as Dorothy did with she threw water at the witch. You know, have some leverage on your side.
    On a serious note, isn’t it amazing how our lives are held hostage by our gadgets? I bought myself a MacAir so I had some portabiity and ease and soon discovered the App store. I bought myself a Thesaurus and am COMPLETELY addicted. I hate writing on any other machine because the app is not portable. I have issues.

    • Ha Ha, Brenda! I may be reaching that point of threatening them with a bucket of water. As long as they don’t cry out like that witch did, “Help, I’m melting.” That scene still sends shivers down my spine. 😉

      I once considered getting the MacAir. What do you think? Is it worth it?

  2. I used to think that I could come up with anything to write about…then I found your blog and realized I was not alone in this ability and have some serious competition 😀 I loved this eccentric little Monday read.

    • Thanks, Nate. I take it you don’t think these folks really moved in? Ask my dog, Henry. He’ll verify the authenticity of my story. It’s all too real, and it’s a nightmare!

      But, thank you so much for putting me in the same league as you. I admire your writing and always have a good laugh over your posts, so I really appreciate the compliment!

    • Kim, he is saying, “Cook, I won’t have it. I won’t have these roommates stinking up our home and taking your time away from preparing my meals. Throw them out. The whole lot of them!”

      Either that, or he’s saying, “Cook, what is going on here?”

  3. Monica, you can’t allow your minions to get ahead of themselves! I say rein them in before it’s too late! ha! Poor Sir Henry! I’m sure he’s thinking this is not the way it’s done in the UK! I loved that shot of him! Siri sounds like she could be helpful. Delegate, sister! 🙂

    • Bella, I really need to take the time to learn how to delegate to Siri. Then, I need to get into the habit, instead of saying, it’s easier to do it myself. Only then can I maximize use of my assistants and make my life easier. Well, one of these days, I will. 😉

  4. Monica, that was such a cute story! My “roommate” is named Giselle and most of the time we get along very well, except when I try to override her and hubby will have to parts of it! I saw your blog on She Writes – I will follow you, you’re very clever!
    Come visit me if you have a free moment,
    Lisa Weinstein

  5. Ha! ha! haa! Monica, I adore your posts. So, I share my house with my husband, two girls and then… there is Ermintrude- she directs me everywhere, esp. those school field trips when we are sort of expected to know how to get to a place we have never been. I have Bentley my trusted Camry – I gave him a prestigious British name because he is honest, he does what I ask and he takes smooth direction no matter where we have to go, rain or shine 🙂 I don’t have Siri, I wish I did. I should name my ipad though – she is invaluable. N.B. everyone is British in my house…

    • Oh, MM! I love that your assistants are all British. Bentley sounds perfect. Dreamy even. I’m picturing him looking a tad like our Colin. Imagine have Colin Firth drive you around? Ahh, perfection! 🙂

  6. Your technology would get along with my computer, it’s called FRED that stands for Fed rubbish emits drivel.

    Your posting raised a smile here, I have GPS on my Blackberry and I must admit I am not a fan, give me a book of road maps any day!!

    • I love the name. Fred! So practical!

      I like road maps, too, which allow you to see the big picture all at once. Where you are and where you’re going. GPS generally just shows you a few blocks ahead. I need context! I need visuals! I need something I can hold on to and peruse the night before the journey. Yes, give me a map any day. After all, you never heard of pirates putting the location of their treasures on a GPS. How would you find them? How would you know what to type in? It’s stuff like this that keeps me up all night! 😉

      • Yes just imagine Pirates almost on top of their buried treasure and the battery dies in the GPS!! The embarrassment of it. Can you imagine them singing Yo Ho Ho and don’t forget the spare batteries!!!

        I love books, you can keep all the Nooks and Kindles, you can’t beat real paper books, they have a feel and you can immerse yourself in a good book for hours, I could never do that with the electronic version.

        Maps are history and I must admit I love roaming round with Google Earth then down to street view round places all round the world.

  7. Such a great perspective!

    I can relate to this. My Droid has potential roommates that are looking for homes. I keep meaning to interview (i.e. look into – and understand and use) them, but I continue to put this off. As it is, I feel a bit dogged by the roommates /assistants I do have. After a while, it’s going to be a case of who is the landlord and who is the tenant! 8)

    Great post!

    • Eloise, no kidding! There’s so many that pretty soon the prisoners are going to be running the jail. Chaos in the streets, mayhem will be running amok. Either that, or we better get to reading the instruction manuals, wouldn’t you agree?

  8. So funny Monica; thanks for starting my day (again) with a good laugh!. I once told my husband that I had left a message with Siri for him to call me from work, but that bioche didn’t listen. These roommates can be very temperamental!

  9. God, this is funny! Love the line about California to New York already being done “by a guy named Mapquest!” That is hysterical. I needed this today, Thanks, my friend!

    • Kathryn, and I like your knack for picking up on my favorite lines. One day all of these little conveniences, are going to unionize, or form an army and revolt against us! In the meantime, I’m just having fun at their expense! 😉

    • GPS’ need to be updated from time to time, so they know where the newly constructed roads are. I’ve yet to update mine, though, and Liz has steered me wrong a couple of times…Not worth mentioning, though, not in her presence, anyway.

  10. Very creative. I used to call my GPS, June Cleaver, because she was the perfect Mom always telling me what to do and where to go. Now I use my Smartphone, who remains nameless. Good one!

    • And the thing about the June Cleavers of the world, when you mistakenly take a different turn from what she’s telling you, they don’t get mad and call you names. They just say, in their usual, even-keel tone, “recalculating…” Whereas, I’d be yelling my pants off, if it was me. 😉

  11. Hahahaha 🙂 Very imaginative post! You are right – these devices are supposed to streamline our lives but we spend most of our time pampering them. Things have got to change! 🙂

  12. Monica!
    Where do you come up with this stuff? Hysterical, you must be so fun to hang with, just joking all the time, being clever, not taking life too seriously! I love the broke down in tears. I love my writers unpredictable! Life’s too short not to keep ’em guessing!
    Well done!

  13. Robotic Canadians? Okay, now I feel better that it’s not just me thinking there’s an oddity about Canadians. Other than this, um, are we spending too much time at home and making inanimate friends? Hmmmm…Funny though. I wonder what Henry thinks of all this. The entire back of forth of this must’ve been a bit much for his English sensibilities.

    • We are spending much time at home–writing! And these technological objects that are supposed to make our lives easier are confounding mine! It’s all in fun, though, and Henry is trying to take it in stride. Emphasis on “trying.” You know how royals can be. 😉

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