Prisoner of Love

“My Men in Stripes” Revisited

When I first started blogging, my audience consisted of three friends, two relatives, my dog, Henry, and the lady who delivers my mail (on account that I would print my posts and discreetly leave them inside my mailbox, anonymously addressed to the Postmaster General). Of course, after a few weeks, I managed to alienate them all.

Yet somehow, despite myself, my readership grew over time. Which just goes to show you: Blackmailing people to get them to read your blog really works!

And, now that I have a couple dozen readers, I figure, it’s as good a time as any, to revisit some of my early posts, the ones I suspect many of you have yet to read, no matter how many arms I’ve twisted. Besides, with my daughter home for Spring Break, I’ve been crazy busy, with little time for blogging. So, I hope you enjoy reading my new and improved post on my Men in Stripes:

My friend, Sherri thinks I need to expand my options.  Which is why she says I should consider dating men who’ve made a killing—though not necessarily in the stock market. She’s talking men in stripes. Convicts. Felons. Jailbirds.

Or, as I prefer to call them, Prisoners of Love. Think Elvis Presley in Jailhouse Rock. According to Sherri, the possibilities are endless.

Lawbreakers, like Scott Petersen. Remember him? The guy with the bad hair dye and goatee, headed for the border when the police found him, and who was found guilty of killing his wife and unborn child? He’s now on death row. Then there’s Drew Peterson, whose fourth wife went missing back in 2007 and is in prison awaiting trial for allegedly killing his third wife.

Or actor, Robert Blake. Handsome once, but who now has a grim-reaper sort of look about him and shaved-off eyebrows. What a hunk! Ironically, he portrayed a murderer in the film, In Cold Blood. As it turns out, Blake was acquitted of murdering his second wife, though later found liable in a civil trial for her wrongful death.

Then there’s Grammy Award-winning producer, Phil Spector, serving 19 years in prison for second-degree murder of an actress in his home.  Apparently he’ll be eligible for parole when he’s 88.

And, of course, there’s the granddaddy of them all, O.J. Simpson. The man who started the trend of charmers who think they’re so cool they can’t be tethered down to a wife or girlfriend. Furthermore, these men–and their egos–think that breaking up with a woman will hurt her feelings, so better to snuff them out once and for all. Besides, divorce can take six months or more, and they can’t take the time to wait it out like normal people do.

So, I have to agree with Sherri. They’re worth considering.  Which is why I’ve decided, before I settle on just one of these rebels without a cause, I’m going to invite them all over for Sunday dinner.

I’ll prepare a fabulous meal, so they see how well I know my way around a kitchen. Maybe a pot roast will help me worm my way into their bleeding hearts, assuming none are vegans, that is. I’ll prepare the entire meal myself, which means this is not going to be a potluck. For, after seeing Shawshank Redemption and other prison flicks, I know what they serve in jail, and I prefer not having that sop at my table.

I’ll have to put away all the items around the house that can be used as weapons.  Phil may insist on wearing one of his striking wigs, which is okay with me as long as it isn’t that porcupine wig he wore during the trial and as long as he’s not hiding a knife or tweezers beneath it.  I’ll ask Robert to regale us with tales of his film and TV days and find out if he has any kiss-and-tell stories about Elizabeth Taylor, Debbie Reynolds or Truman Capote.

Since I don’t think Drew has had his trial yet, I’ll ask the other fellas to help brainstorm arguments for his defense.  I’m sure Scott will have a few tricks up his sleeve.  I’ll ask him, too, how his appeals are going, because I know that when you get the death penalty, there’s always a gazillion appeals. After all, I’ve seen Dead Man Walking.  Phil Spector will no doubt want to dance so I’ll put on some records and play songs produced by the man himself.

After dinner, Drew will help me with the dishes, while the other boys watch a prison movie, like White Heat and we’ll all yell “Top of the world, Ma!” when James Cagney is shot and goes up in flames.  I’ll then bring out a board game, like Clue, and, because of his temper, I’ll let O.J. win, when he deduces that Colonel Mustard killed Mr. Boddy with a gun in the conservatory. We’ll all have a good laugh over that one.

Finally, after we’ve had dessert (I’m thinking chocolate cake with toy guns and knives buried inside, for more laughs), we’ll play a round of spin the bottle.  And, as I look into the eyes of each of these hapless scoundrels, I’ll know which one is guilty. Guilty of stealing my heart, that is.  With any luck, I’ll be waiting a life sentence for a second date.

45 thoughts on “Prisoner of Love

  1. Pingback: Looking Good, Mr. Z! « Monica's Tangled Web

  2. What a hysterical post. I loved Robert’s comment – I could just picture the ladies flocking to see their men in chains.
    Oh, I think you and Sherri must have been having nightmares something awful to conjure up this plan! *However*, behind every convict there’s bound to me a poor, misunderstood brother… I say set your sights on them guys!!

  3. Do prisoners get internet service? If so, they could pass the blog sites around the old jail block and get thousands of new subscribers. You are on top of this and way ahead of the game! LOL.

    • I know! The possibilities really are endless! I’ll have to look into it, the internet thing. Kind of doubt they do, though. Maybe we’ll have to print our weekly posts and send them a care package and they can follow us by mail? Not the same, but then, what do you expect from men in stripes?

  4. You’re so right about blackmailing haha…I blackmail people into reading my blog and if you scare them enough, they come back all on their own. ;D Great post and you did a splendid job revisiting an old post…splendid because it’s a great idea and I’m going to steal it muwahaha.

    • Nate, when you stop by to comment I feel that my life is complete. I can move on and write the next post. Or at least, brush my teeth and go to bed. Until then, I wait. Sometimes I can wait for weeks, but then like clockwork, you stop by and leave a pithy comment that cracks me up and that’s when I know: all the waiting was worth it! So, all this to say, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, I’m so glad you enjoyed this post! I hope you took the time to compare this version to the original and then had a good laugh over both. Or not. 😉

  5. Monica, I’m with Eloise–if you’re going to go down this road, let it be with an Italian boss who can provide a bodyguard detail and an Italian mama who can cook. And forget about the chocolate cake–this little lady will whip up delicious cannoli! A win win if I ever saw one! I’m so glad you reposted this. Thanks for the chuckle, lady! 🙂

    • Mmmm, cannolis! Of course. You and Eloise have hit on something big. The wife of a mafioso. i can see it now. LOL. I love the idea of having a bodyguard named Knuckles or Itchy Fingers. I love it! Thx! 😉

  6. And what about all the Mafia goons? There’s a whole roster of good-looking Italian guys just waiting to bump you off. And they do it with such panache. Sammy “The Bull” Gravano sitting in the slammer for squealing on the rest of them. There have to be others!

  7. Oh this just cracks me up! Monica you are so funny! I shared this everywhere I possibly could :))

  8. I always get Scott Peterson and Drew Peterson confused. Or is it Petersen with an “e”? Not important. You’re a very brave woman. I would be afraid they’d all get into a bloody brawl over who gets to be with me, in which case I guess I’d go with the last one standing. Helluva way to get a date. 🙂

    • Peterson and Petersen could be father and son. And, like I told Kim above, I’m not that brave. I’d have cops at the door and inside the garage. Plus, I’d have Henry, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel substituted for a real police dog, and doing that would help me more than anything. 😉

  9. HI MOnica, you were brilliant even in the beginning! My old posts look as if a sixth grader wrote them. I have to do a complete rewrite. Though I was never a writer before, so I guess that means, I have improved over the year, (at least a little ). I love your posts!

    • Jodi, never fear, I did some reworking of this post, too. Writing improves with practice. Now, I’ve had nearly two years of practice and it’s been so much fun! Thank you for your wonderful, warm comments. I enjoy your blog, too!

  10. –Invite me, too, cuz I’d like to kick some ass, especially the killer, Drew Peterson.

    I cannot even look at this guy when he’s on TV. What a Damn Creeeep.

    Wow, at least your dinner party will not be boring….And you might as well enjoy….because it will probably be your last meal, Monica. Xxx

    • Kim, each of these guys are slime when it comes right down to it. I’d like nothing more than poke fun at them and put them in their place, somewhere in hell in a hand-basket. I failed to mention that I would have police posted at the door and my entire place wired in case of an inadvertent confession. Now, that would be cool, to be the one that brought them all down!

  11. Hi Monica! I decided to return the favor and come check out your blog! I agree you should definitely set your sights higher, although Blagojevich was likeable enough on the celebrity apprentice. I would go for him before any violent fellows.

    It’s good to hear that I’m not the only blogger to start out with a tiny fan base, most of whom have had multiple arms twisted in the process. It gives me motivation to push forward and keep on coercing!

    I’m off to go try to find you on shewrites!


    • Hi Jenny, I just discovered your comment, or should I say, I found it in my spam folder. I guess I really need to check that more often. Anyway, thank you so much for stopping by. Re Blagojevich, how would you know whether you were dating him or his hair? That’s a conundrum, if you ask me. 😉

  12. One benefit you have overlooked is that perhaps you can get these men to ‘persuade’ others to subscribe to your blog! Sure it could be a bit more invasive then leaving a copy in your mailbox but could create quite an increase in readership!

  13. I’m thinking former Illinois-governor Rod Blagojevich should be included in your dinner party. He’s got great hair (a wife, too, but after a while in lockup, who knows?) and a great sense of humor. He earned his law degree from Pepperdine and would probably love to revisit California! Enjoy Spring-breaking with your daughter1

    • Rod! What a great idea. I love his hair though I wonder if he’s able to maintain it while serving time. As long as his wife doesn’t mind, sure, he’d be a perfect addition! Thanks for the suggestion! 😉

  14. i think it’s a good to share the early posts with the new readers (I wasn’t one of your relatives or your few friends). 🙂 . I loved the dating choices **cough cough**… I liked Carl’s response- ‘pic of his relatives’. Funny. Monica, you’ve made me smile (thanks) long week with endless meetings. I enjoyed your story and glad you re-posted, they are always (I assume) rich nuggets in a blogger’s past.

  15. At the weekends I am station master at a station on a preserved steam railway and we have people down doing community service, they get given so many hours for committing minor offences.
    One some time ago was in the shop buying a coffee and he uttered the immortal words. “Do you know why I am here?” He paused then continued “Because I got caught”
    Sometimes their girlfriends will come and meet them when they have finished and it’s fair to say the rougher and more scruffy they are the better looking girlfriends they seem to have!!!

  16. What a hoot. I’ve never invited a convict to dinner, but I grew up with one as a father. Does that count, even though he’s no longer around to read my blog? Otherwise, I’m all about bribing subscribers, and it that fails a bit of readerly coersion never hurts.

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