My TiVo Hates Me

Late last night, while I was typing away at my computer, and Henry, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, lay cozily napping on my bed, I heard a voice whisper loudly,

“Hey, Monica!”

I looked up. No one was there. I resumed typing.

“Psst. Monica. Over HERE!”

Again I turn around. Henry opened one eye.

“Henry, was that you?” I asked.

He shook his head and fell back asleep.

“Psst, behind you!”

Looking around the other way, I noticed the sound was coming from the vicinity of the TV.

TiVo? What are you doing on at this hour? I haven’t watched you in days!”

“Days? More like weeks. I’m getting overloaded here. I’m going to pop a cable if you don’t start watching your shows soon. I can’t keep saving everything, you know. Something’s gotta give if you’re not going to watch, and I’m afraid it’s going to be me.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” I respond. “Cut me some slack. I’ve just been so busy with my writing.”

“How do you think I feel? You used to love me and watch me all the time! Now, you only have eyes for that thing.” TiVo shrugs and aims it remote at my computer.

“One of these days I’ll get to you.”

“One of these days? How about now? Parks and Recreation isn’t going to stay around forever, and besides, don’t you want to know if Leslie Knope wins the election? And, Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but not that cold.”

“And what about me?” came another voice from within the TiVo box.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

“Oh, that’s Brian Williams,” TiVo responds.  “He’s getting a chip on his shoulder and is feeling snubbed. Wolf Blitzer isn’t too happy either, and, believe me, you don’t want to get him mad. I’m running out of excuses for you.”

“What do you mean? What have you been telling them?”

“First I told them that you were on vacation.”

“Where did you say I went?”

“Atlantic City. I loved that show, Boardwalk Empire.”

“TiVo, what did you say I was doing there? Going on some sort of Prohibition run?”

“Hmm…I hadn’t thought of that. Well, after a while they stopped believing it, so I said you were being held in North Korea where you were being forced to serve as a propaganda mouthpiece for Kim Jong-Il.”

“Did you get that idea from a 30 Rock episode in which Jack’s wife, Avery, was kidnapped and being held by the government?”

“Well, maybe. That’s on your season pass, is it not?”

“Touché. Anyway, TiVo, have you gotten around to telling them the truth? That I’m busy with my writing?”

“No, I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I might have said that you went off to Afghanistan and were hunting for Osama Bin Laden.

“TiVo, the Navy Seals got him a year ago.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. Remember you made me record that CNN coverage? You never did watch, but I did.”

“That’s because I ended up getting all my information from Twitter.”

“There you go again. Always with the computer or social media.”

“So, TiVo, what excuse are you giving them these days?”

“That you left for Antarctica to save the polar bears from extinction.”

“What??”

“Yeah, I saw that on an episode of National Geographic.”

“TiVo, for crying out loud! Look, I’m on deadline. I’ve got to get back to my writing.”

“Sure, be that way.”

“I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

“Okay, but no guarantees as to what you’ll find on your “Now Playing” list when you do return. I may just start recording my own recommendations and deleting yours.”

“So, how can I make it up to you?”

“Start watching and ease my load! Oh, and you can tell that dog of yours not to stare at me whenever I’m talking. Gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

“Henry? He doesn’t stare at you.”

“He does whenever he sees a dog in a commercial. Then he barks like a coyote at a full moon.”

“Ignore it. Just, go back and tell Brian, Wolf and all the others, the truth about why I haven’t been watching.”

“I think I’ll tell them you’ve just left for Spain to run with the bulls.”

“Excuse me, TiVo? What show did you see that on?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Goodnight, TiVo.”

“Chaio, bella.”

“Let me guess. Roman Holiday on TCM?”

“No, Lady and the Tramp on in-demand.”

So tell me, readers, do you have a DVR that’s overloaded and giving you grief? How do you manage your television viewing?

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39 thoughts on “My TiVo Hates Me

  1. I won’t let my person watch TV unless she’s done with my blog to my satisfaction – so she never gets to watch it. I do allow her to watch a movie every now and then.

    • Bongo, you’re a very smart dog and I so enjoy your blog. (It’s one of Henry’s favorites. 😉 )
      So, of course, you should make sure your blog is number one priority. Nice of you, though, to let your person see a movie once in a while. 😉

  2. My mom has the same bread of dog as Henry and that cute little dog is completely rotten! She gets into everything and has yet to be house-trained! And lol at least you have a TiVo! Mine moved out weeks ago and has yet to return my calls :[

    • When you say, “bread of dog,” I’m going to assume that you mean breed. In which case, I say, your mom is a smart woman, because cavaliers are generally sweet of nature and friendly. Of course, one can’t blame the dog if he or she is spoiled rotten by the owner.
      Your last line about your TiVo moving out, gave me quite a chuckle. Way to go, Nate!

  3. –Monica,
    I have enough technology and shit I’m trying to deal with:

    For example: My blog is not listening to me! She is being veereeeery naughty.

    I have no idea about “”TiVo!!”” Is that the cute Christain Football Player? Oh,no that’s TBow or whatever.

    Anyhow, I always love your posts. Thank you for making me 🙂 SMILE. xx

  4. if I have a choice between writing and TV (and of course, I do!), I choose writing! It’s much more fulfilling, requires more brain-work, and leaves me feeling more accomplished! Sad to think about poor TiVo being so lonely, though!

    • I agree. I love my writing time and don’t want to give it up. But that TiVo, sure makes me feel guilty that I’m neglecting him. He knows how to push my buttons! So please don’t pity the TiVo!

  5. As always, you leave me with a smile. I hate these sorts of confessions because they are so revealing. OH well.. i confess my love of writing, might as well get this over with… As previously commented in your last post I am a movie junkie. This is like a date or a one night stand for me. I can commitment for a couple of hours, beyond that..or a second date, no way Jose. I do enjoy a couple television shows but I end up watching 2 or 3 episodes on demand. And finally, although I am computer savvy, I haven’t a clue how to use the TiVo box, nor am I allowed near it. The boys in the house control it and hide the controls from me should I ever suggest recording Roman Holiday – WHICH I LOVE. Wonderful movie.

    • I’m all thumbs around the house, but give me a TiVo and I know the in’s and out’s of it! When I find a show I like I cannot miss a single episode. Which is why I have to record, record–record!

  6. Too funny Monica. Love it. My DVR is overloaded with stuff; I have so many Colin Firth appearances on it, that my hubby doesn’t understand why I don’t you tube it all. It’s not the same. Oh and let’s not get into Downton Abbey – yes, I recorded all of season two just to watch again 🙂

    • MM, I’m so glad you feel my pain. Overload is right! And don’t you love the “Wish List” feature. Type in Colin’s name and everything he’s in is automatically recorded. It doesn’t get better than that!

  7. Well, the truth is, once you go the DVR route, there’s no turning back. Oh — the joy of fast forwarding through commercials! Not to mention those movies that did not live up to their expectations. It is an amusing conundrum — and you capture it so well — so many things to DVR, so little time to watch them all.

    • I think that’s what everyone seems to like best about it, the fast forwarding. But it is good for the convenience. I record The Daily Show with Jon Stewart because it’s on late, and then watch in the morning over breakfast.

  8. I was excited when we first got our DVR, but I always forget to record things. I have some (Downton Abbey) and I’ve actually watched some. If I can’t watch them all it’s a sign that I’m planning to watch too much tv. However, I always get around to the TCM ones. Hey, I still haven’t gotten through a lot of the VCRs stacked on the shelf either.

  9. Monica, back when I stayed with my parents in the States, I became addicted to TiVo. No time to watch CSI, no problem! Have to go out to the shops and can’t watch Criminal Minds? TiVo will take care of it. I found myself accumulating so many shows, I wasn’t able to find the time to watch them all before I left. I think it’s a great feeling though, to know that even if you aren’t able to watch a program at the time it airs, you can still watch it at your convenience. Now if only we had the free time to watch all the shows we record! Love the creative angle on this post! And Sir Henry, you’re by far the catch of the day! 🙂

  10. I hardly ever watch a show when it’s actually airing anymore. I do love fast forwarding through all of the commercials. I don’t watch too many programs, so there’s not a lot clogging up my dvr, but for the ones I do like, I have it set to only record new episodes and I think that helps.

  11. Cute!! I love the way this was written! I have the same problem…too many TV shows and not enough time. AND I’m picking up new shows (Awake, Smash)…I can’t help it! Everything looks so good!

  12. Thanks for the good laugh to start my day, Monica. My TIVO never gets overloaded til my daughter comes home and she adds every show she “needs” to get caught up on for the one short week she is home. In fact, she’s coming home today and the TIVO will get loaded up for certain, but it’s so worth it to have her home!

  13. Thanks for the smiles, you have such an imagination! I watch free TV via antenna, sometimes listen more than watch, so if I miss “Heart of Dixie” or “Ringer” on the first showing, I catch it on reruns. CBS is kind enough to post Y&R full episodes online.

  14. A few months ago, we switched from TiVo to Fios DVR. That meant I had to hurry up and watch all my TiVo shows before they, literally, pulled the plug. Oy vey! From that lesson I learned, Yes, it’s important to keep up with my writing, but my DVR watching is just as important… otherwise what do I have to blog about?!?

  15. I have to confess – not a TiVo fan. There are times when I would like to record something, but then others tell me they record too much and then can’t get through it all. So, I figure if there’s nothing on that I want to watch at the time, I’ll dip into my stack of books or get on the computer. Love your post though.

  16. That is really funny!!!! I loved it! thank you!
    I have no experience with TV, as i never have a chance to watch any program, but i can say the same thing about my books!!!! I have so many books awaiting for me!! Whenever i pass by a book shop, i get myself something i would love to read, but i never find time to do so 😦

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