On Notice

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I have a bone to pick with Stephen Colbert and if I ever see him I’m going to let him know.  Colbert keeps a list of people and things that are “On Notice” to him as well as a list of those that are “Dead” to him.  Well, he got the idea from me. I’ve been keeping such a list for years.  And the truth of it is, I got the idea from my father. He was the king of putting people on notice, mostly family though.

My father loved placing me, my siblings and the rest of our relations, on notice.  He also put the newspaper boy on notice because he didn’t like the way he threw the paper, never quite reaching the front door. I can remember when he put me on notice. It had something to do with missing my flight home and taking a later one, which forced him to wait for hours at the airport, something my macho father did not tolerate well. So for me, that is the origination of the list.

Stephen Colbert is on notice, too.

Here is some of what’s on my On Notice list:

Jon Stewart’s goatee:  Sure, he finally shaved that funny growth he developed over his summer break but I didn’t like it from the get go and if it ever makes a comeback, then Jon Stewart’s goatee will be dead to me.

Rewards Cards:  Ok, this was fun when it was just the airlines with their rewards and you could build up your miles by flying to earn round trip tickets. Mileage and free airline tickets are something you can take to the bank. But the rewards card business has gotten out of hand and frankly I can no longer keep up.  I’m juggling so many rewards cards in my wallet that I’m going to need to start carrying two, one for my rewards cards and the other for everything else.  And did you ever notice that when you finally need to use one, turns out it’s the only one you left at home?  I have a rewards card that I don’t remember what it’s for or when I got it, but I keep it in my wallet just in case.

Angelina Jolie: This woman needs to learn to smile, really smile.  She always looks so somber. Plus, I’m on Team Jennifer.

Octomom: This Angelina Jolie lookalike is scary. Fourteen kids. Going on welfare. Need I say more?

Pickup trucks on the freeway that carry long pipes in the truck bed: Ever see these trucks doing 80 on the freeway, with these long metal pipes sticking out over the edge of the truck bed?  Well, these are weapons in the making, my friend.  I steer clear of such trucks, as I don’t want to end up with a pipe imprint on my forehead.

SUV’s:  They’re on notice too.  I don’t like them because I drive a sedan and I hate when I’m stuck behind one of them and can’t see what’s in front. Thank goodness the era of the Hummer has pretty much past. Just in time too, because I was planning to put them on my Dead to Me list.

Brian Williams’ Teeth: Everyone knows how handsome NBC’s news anchor is and I totally agree.  His fake tan gives John Boehner’s a run for his money.  But what I can’t stand is looking at his teeth. I mean, I love the guy, but come on! Brian should have enough money to get them fixed.  Instead, when he talks all I see are these discolored, gnarly, twisted teeth melding together and it kills me.

Clowns: Who was the first to think clowns and kids go together? These creatures have given me nightmares all my life. To this day, I refuse to go to a circus because I am petrified of them. The thought of being stuck in a tiny car with 12 clowns absolutely frightens me.

Stephen Colbert: Might as well put him on notice for taking credit for inventing the On Notice list, but if he calls me to apologize, I will forgive him.  After all, Colbert’s the cat’s pajamas!

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63 thoughts on “On Notice”

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  7. Fantastic! 🙂 I love it. Agreed about Angelina Jolie…I just want to shake her and go, “WHY DOES NOTHING PLEASE YOU?!”

  8. Every time I’m with my Mom in her car and there’s those trucks with the huge metal pipes sticking out she says every time they’re going to fly out and hit her car. I thought it was just my mom, she gets paranoid with anything hanging out of a car/truck.

    • I’m with your mother on this one. Tell her she’s right to be paranoid. I steer clear of them myself, ever since one of those pipes hit the car of a friend of mine. I just wonder, is this the only way these pipes can be transported? Putting them inside a truck would be far better!

  14. ooolala, nice notice list. I’m cool with B Williams and his gnarly teeth. There’s too much sought after perfection. On Notice: Katie Perry and Tea Party wanna be devil worshipers.

  15. Team Jennifer, check. Clowns, double check. But I can’t believe that SUVs are on notice, but mini-vans aren’t? Actually, they’re totally dead to me.

    Great post, and congrats on being Freshly Pressed! 🙂

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  26. I never heard of this “One Notice”. Does this mean things you hate? Too funny!

    And don’t get me started on Angelina Jolie. Over rated star. She just happens to have a great PR agent.

  28. If I had to keep a list I would have time for nothing else. People are annoying. If I keep a list it will be of people who are not annoying. I think I’ll call it friends.

    Fun post.

  29. Yes, hilarious. Why are you giving all this wit and humor to a blog? Shouldn’t you write a book? Or maybe you have. I love the Angelina Jolie observations. I love this entire post. You are such an entertaining writer and I must agree with you on most of it.

    • I haven’t written a book–yet. But I’m thinking of compiling all of my blogs into one someday. Thanks to you and everyone, I’m in heaven with all this fabulous feedback. You’ve made my day!

  33. Dear Ms. Monica,
    Mother Hen here, to join in the general approbation and hubbub about your entertaining post. Mother does so love to acknowledge excellence, as it give her hope that the world has not yet entirely gone to heck in a handbasket!
    MH would put on notice:
    — Lady Gaga — for crimes against fashion, animals, and butchers
    — Vanity Fair magazine — for naming the aforementioned LG to its best dressed list, then featured her on its cover with nary a stitch on
    — Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan — for hogging headlines, behaving badly, and still managing to bore the world to tears (and giving all of us hot chicks an image problem!)
    — all the vampire franchises — your time in the sun is creeping ever closer!
    — the Emmy Awards — for turning Hugh Laurie into the Susan Lucci of prime time, even though he finally got Cuddy
    Mother Hen would further suggest that On Notice become a regular feature, or semi-regular, or as irregular as Farmer Brown’s three-legged goat — your choice, naturally!
    Regularly yours,
    Mother Hen
    http://motherhensnest.wordpress.com

    • Mother Hen, lol! I love your On Notice list! It really feels good to put these annoying parts of life on notice, doesn’t it? And thank you for your accolades. I am over the moon with joy today thanks to all the wonderful feedback I’ve been getting. Yes, I think I will make this a recurring feature.

  34. Love this post! It reminds me of a post I wrote a few weeks earlier – except that I referred to mine as Pet Peeve Nation. Had I known about being ‘on notice,’ I might’ve used that term ;-D

  35. Seeing Crusty the Clown on The Simpson’s for the first time was a relief to me as I realized I wasn’t the only person who thought clowns were creepy!
    Don’t get me started on the rewards card topic. It is supposed to be convenient to use your phone number but which one! Did I register with my work #? My home #? My cell #? and the look on the person behind you when you say “ah try this #….) forget it!
    Love this post MM! Congrats.
    T-

  36. Tip o’ the hat to you! 😉 I LOVE your list! The goatee was hideous and I also have a hate/loathe relationship with SUV’s. Colbert makes me laugh and you gave me my daytime smile!

  37. I saw one of those trucks with the long pipes roll over on the freeway once — it was going around a curve a little too quickly and rolled over on its side. No one was seriously hurt, but one of the pipes made a really impressive dent in the roof of another car. I was probably about 8 years old at the time, and it was the first time I’d ever experienced the feeling of time slowing down in an emergency.

  40. Hahahaha. Thanks so much. This is great. Totally with you on the clowns. I can’t believe that we were actually meant to find them amusing. There’s a reason they pop up in horror films every now and again.

    Have you ever seen the evening entertainment program – room 101? It’s a little like this.

    http://www.meandmybiro.wordpress.com

  41. Right there with you on the clowns. I have had panic attacks in stores when I see a clown. The pipes scare the heck out of me. Especially when I am in the car with my kids. Truck makes a sudden stop and I am a new hood ornament. Congrats on Freshly Pressed!

  44. lol… in my household we have the same thing- but it is more of a “blacklist”… I like “notice” better- does not sound so harsh… ;o)

  45. I’m Monica’s friend Leah, and she’s right. She does have an “on notice” list. I have been on it before. Luckily she’s removed me and things are good. But don’t cross her!

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  47. Funny! I love this…it gives ME an idea for a post, I swear there are a bunch of things I have invented, just not copyrighted them or been famous enough to get credit for and I’m damn pissed. I’m starting that list now as proof!!
    You go girl! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!!

    evelyngarone.com

  48. I hear you on the rewards cards! I wish they were dead to me, but I just can’t seem to let go. I keep them in a little box in my car and rarely remember to bring them into the store. It’s obscene!

  49. I used to keep an On Notice / Dead to Me list in my office where no one could see it…except for my friend Leah! (I don’t know if she’s the same Leah.)

    I never noticed anything exceptional about Brian’s teeth. I’m always fixated by his neckties. Great post!

    • My father pretty much put everyone on notice at one point or another and not always for such important things as the proximity of the newspaper to the front door. Sometimes it was just because he didn’t like the way someone looked at him or shook his hand or said hello. Thank you for reading. Looking forward to checking yours out too!

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