I have a bone to pick with Stephen Colbert and if I ever see him I’m going to let him know. Colbert keeps a list of people and things that are “On Notice” to him as well as a list of those that are “Dead” to him. Well, he got the idea from me. I’ve been keeping such a list for years. And the truth of it is, I got the idea from my father. He was the king of putting people on notice, mostly family though.
My father loved placing me, my siblings and the rest of our relations, on notice. He also put the newspaper boy on notice because he didn’t like the way he threw the paper, never quite reaching the front door. I can remember when he put me on notice. It had something to do with missing my flight home and taking a later one, which forced him to wait for hours at the airport, something my macho father did not tolerate well. So for me, that is the origination of the list.
Here is some of what’s on my On Notice list:
Jon Stewart’s goatee: Sure, he finally shaved that funny growth he developed over his summer break but I didn’t like it from the get go and if it ever makes a comeback, then Jon Stewart’s goatee will be dead to me.
Rewards Cards: Ok, this was fun when it was just the airlines with their rewards and you could build up your miles by flying to earn round trip tickets. Mileage and free airline tickets are something you can take to the bank. But the rewards card business has gotten out of hand and frankly I can no longer keep up. I’m juggling so many rewards cards in my wallet that I’m going to need to start carrying two, one for my rewards cards and the other for everything else. And did you ever notice that when you finally need to use one, turns out it’s the only one you left at home? I have a rewards card that I don’t remember what it’s for or when I got it, but I keep it in my wallet just in case.
Angelina Jolie: This woman needs to learn to smile, really smile. She always looks so somber. Plus, I’m on Team Jennifer.
Octomom: This Angelina Jolie lookalike is scary. Fourteen kids. Going on welfare. Need I say more?
Pickup trucks on the freeway that carry long pipes in the truck bed: Ever see these trucks doing 80 on the freeway, with these long metal pipes sticking out over the edge of the truck bed? Well, these are weapons in the making, my friend. I steer clear of such trucks, as I don’t want to end up with a pipe imprint on my forehead.
SUV’s: They’re on notice too. I don’t like them because I drive a sedan and I hate when I’m stuck behind one of them and can’t see what’s in front. Thank goodness the era of the Hummer has pretty much past. Just in time too, because I was planning to put them on my Dead to Me list.
Brian Williams’ Teeth: Everyone knows how handsome NBC’s news anchor is and I totally agree. His fake tan gives John Boehner’s a run for his money. But what I can’t stand is looking at his teeth. I mean, I love the guy, but come on! Brian should have enough money to get them fixed. Instead, when he talks all I see are these discolored, gnarly, twisted teeth melding together and it kills me.
Clowns: Who was the first to think clowns and kids go together? These creatures have given me nightmares all my life. To this day, I refuse to go to a circus because I am petrified of them. The thought of being stuck in a tiny car with 12 clowns absolutely frightens me.
Stephen Colbert: Might as well put him on notice for taking credit for inventing the On Notice list, but if he calls me to apologize, I will forgive him. After all, Colbert’s the cat’s pajamas!