Divorce

All posts tagged Divorce

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

Published December 28, 2011 by monicastangledweb

Just in time for the new year, I offer a gleam of hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know, because I have reached it. It took a while. Years, really, but I know it’s there because I’ve been there. So, if you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, or if you have been touched by it in some way, or know someone who is contemplating one, please read my blog on the Huffington Post site.

Even if you’re just going through some hard times right now, this one’s for you. It’s my latest piece, The Light at the End of the Tunnel. Check it out, and may 2012 be the year that you, too, reach the other end of the tunnel.

For those of you who have already reached the light at the end of your tunnel, what advice would you share with others who may be still trudging along?

It’s Official, I’m a Contributor!

Published September 16, 2011 by monicastangledweb

What do Marlo Thomas, Alec Baldwin, Harry Shearer and yours truly have in common? We’re all unabashedly brilliant people? Nah.

Huffington Post Blogger Extraordinaire and Actor, Alec Baldwin--and star of NBC's 30 Rock, too!

We’ve all got chutzpah with a side of moxie?  Getting warmer.

That we all star in NBC’s 30 Rock and have won countless Emmy’s?

Nope! Only one of us can claim that.

So, what’s the number one thing we all share? Drum roll, please…

We’re all bloggers for The Huffington Post! 

Yes, I can now safely say, it’s official. With six posts under my belt, I’m happy to report that I’m a regular contributor to the Huffington Post! Of course some of you already know this, but for those of you who don’t, you should know that I’m pleased as punch in July. And, knock on wood, if I play my cards right, this is only the beginning.

Turns out, I have a thing or two to say about divorce. In fact, having been through one, I am now considered in some circles (consisting of me and my dog, Henry), to be an expert! I can tell you just about anything you need to know about divorce and you can trust my expertise, as much as you can trust anything you read in Wikipedia.  And honestly, you can take that to the bank!

Starting soon, I’ll also be blogging for The Huffington Post’s new section, Huff/Post 50, for which I’ve already contributed my first piece!  This is a new section just for people like me.  And by that, I mean, Baby Boomers.  Finally, a section we can call our own! I definitely know a thing or two about what it’s like to be a Boomer.

So, if you want to know more, just visit my bio at the HuffPo web site (Now that I’m on their blogger payroll—which means I receive no monetary compensation—I can refer to The Huffington Post by its nickname: HuffPo). I’m told it’s an insider thing and a term that only insiders—like me!—get to use. Which makes me pretty special, don’t you think?  You can also see a list of my posts, here on my blog, by clicking on My Huffington Post Stories page.

So the next time you have a question about divorce or the Baby Boomer generation, just ask me! Drop me a line, post a comment, and maybe I’ll respond by writing it up for The Huffington Post!

Now, if I can only get to meet Arianna.  Then, my life would be complete!  Who knows? Maybe I’ll even get invited to Arianna’s holiday party (assuming she has one). And maybe Alec Baldwin will want me to give him a ride there. That would be très spectacular!

I can’t wait to see what’s in store next for me now that I’ve hitched my wagon to The Huffington Post star. Whoopee!

Songs in the Key of Divorce

Published March 31, 2011 by monicastangledweb

When I was a kid I’d imagine a soundtrack to my life, just like the people in the movies. When Audrey Hepburn goes traipsing through the streets of New York, Henry Mancini‘s haunting melody, Moon River, follows her all the way to Tiffany’s. It’s the same for John Voight and Dustin Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy, only this time it’s Harry Nilsson’s Everybody’s Talkin’.

So why not a soundtrack for me as I jauntily made my way through the streets of Flushing, New York? No such luck.  Henry Mancini wouldn’t give me the time of day. Ditto for Harry Nilsson. And forget John Williams. My Star Wars theme song just wasn’t in the cards.

But then something happened when my divorce was larger than life—consuming every waking moment—and haunting my dead-of-night dreams. Hands down, this was one of the most agonizing, unforgiving chapters of my life.

And so I invented my own soundtrack.  One created out of necessity, to help me cope and find sanity—and a bit of comfort, too. There are many stages in divorce and, lucky me, I didn’t miss a single one. So herewith are the songs that accompanied me during each of these phases:

Phase One: Shock, Denial  - Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You

Whitney Houston’s songs in The Bodyguard soundtrack got me through this stage. I was still having strong feelings for my ex, despite his shameless ways. I was still in denial that my marriage was over and my damn heart wasn’t ready to believe the worst, let alone move on. Perhaps, I needed Cher to yell at me to “SNAP OUT OF IT!” Sans that, Whitney voiced my emotions best.

Phase Two: Mourning – Carly Simon’s Coming Around Again

This was the period when Carly Simon’s songs from the film, Heartburn, became my constant companion. In Heartburn, Meryl’s character is pregnant and married to Jack Nicholson, a louse who cheats on her. Boy, could I relate! I wasn’t pregnant but, at the time, my youngest was still in diapers. A lot of the songs on this album are empowering, including my favorite, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, which is a twist on the childhood ditty. Coming Around Again gave me the kind of hope that springs eternal, representing my “I’m-a-survivor-like-Meryl-Street-in-Heartburn” period. It also showed me that the only solution to my divorce hell was the one that involved leaving my marriage behind, and moving on.

Phase Three: Rebuilding and S-l-o-w-l-y Moving On – Sting’s album, Ten Summoner’s Tales.

Can you believe I never listened to Sting before my divorce? Sure, I was familiar with The Police, but  Sting was already on his own and my marriage was unraveling around the time that this album came out. These songs put me in a different state of mind, making me feel like I was worth something. Sting’s music helped me rebuild my shattered self-esteem. Songs like, She’s Too Good for Me and Fields of Gold.

Phase Four: On My Own – U-2’s Joshua Tree

Pre-divorce, the only Bono I knew of was Sonny. But Bono of U-2 fame became my latest obsession after hearing a duet he sang with Frank Sinatra on, I’ve Got You Under My Skin. And boy, did Bono get under my skin, with his ultra sexy, bedroom voice.  I couldn’t get enough of this guy and then my friend Hellen, told me about U-2 and gave me the Joshua Tree CD. One play and I was smitten. Three songs made all the difference for me:  Where the Streets Have No Name, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, and With or Without You.

Phase Five: The Single Life—or to Hell with Being Married! – Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell II

Some may find this hard to believe, but during this time, I became a Meat Loaf junkie. Bat Out of Hell became my anthem.  Thanks to a gym I belonged to, where they’d play Meat Loaf constantly during some intense step classes, I became a dancing queen, finding new joy in my singleton life.  Best songs on this album include: I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That), Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire, and Good Girls Go to Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere).

The songs I chose to listen to became a part of my therapy and ultimately contributed to my healing.  So for all of you currently going through your divorces, or just thinking about it, now you have my “Divorce is Hell” playlist to add to your iTunes library.  Consider it my gift to you. Trust me, you’ll feel better.  And, you’ll also owe me one. So, you’re welcome.

Me, Rocky Balboa

Published October 29, 2010 by monicastangledweb

“You are worthless and you’ll never amount to anything!”

So said my ex when we were still in the throes of unraveling our marriage. And today I want to officially thank him. Little did he know when he said those hurtful, pain-searing words, that he was doing me a favor.  In his own, offhanded way, he was encouraging me to fly the coop, and be something more—without him.  Turns out, it was just the push I needed.

I would be Rocky Balboa, resolved to win the world championship.

When those words were first flung at me, my initial reaction was to fall apart. My second was to pick up the pieces and gather my resolve. Resolve, to never be that woman who doesn’t amount to anything, who believes what she’s told and wallows in self-pity and low self esteem.  Instead, I would be Rocky Balboa, resolved to win the world heavyweight championship. Meryl Streep, determined to win my first Oscar. I’d be the little engine that could, and I’d be Dumbo, about to take my first flight over the Big Top.

According to my ex, the odds were not in my favor. Yet I wasn’t going to be the one to take it on the chin. So overnight my mantra became,  “I will prove him wrong, I will prove him wrong.” I had some big hurdles to overcome, though. Besides, the marriage coming apart, I was pounding the pavement in search of a job. Any job. I was also coming to terms with my mother’s increasing dementia, Alzheimer’s, which made it impossible to confide in her, and to seek her advice and comfort when I needed it most.

“I will prove him wrong,” I kept telling myself, and in my own way, I did. Though it took time, and during that time it became more about doing it for me rather than for the sake of proving him wrong. It was a long tough road, with hurdles every step of the way, but I kept at it. The Rocky Balboa drive was in me, the need to prove I could do it. Then one day I realized I’d had.  I’d found myself, my voice.

It took two years but I finally got the job I wanted, working for a place that thrives on creativity and people who are passionate about their work. Three years after that, I was able to buy my own home and turn it into a place that is uniquely mine, filled with beauty, art and yes, even kitsch. I also raised two children to be thoughtful, caring adults and found time along the way to spend with the people who mean so much to me. Indeed, like Jimmy Stewart in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” I’d found that the best reward of all is the love of family and friends.  That, and finding your bliss.

So if I ever do win the heavyweight championship or an Oscar, I’ll be sure to express my gratitude to all the people along the way who were there for me. And I’ll be sure to thank my ex, too. For I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know how his words helped shape who I am today. Oh, and how I became Rocky Balboa. Yeah, that’s me. Rocky.

Time to Commercialize Divorce

Published October 26, 2010 by monicastangledweb

Society doesn’t prepare you for divorce.  Still, you would’ve thought by now that someone would have figured out a way to turn it into a profit-generating machine, much the same way we do with weddings. Makes sense when you consider that half of first marriages and about 75% of second marriages end in divorce. In fact, it is so prevalent that with a little bit of pluck, a company could step right in and turn divorce into a cash cow.

Billions of dollars are poured into weddings each year. Yet, except for all the family lawyers who are raking in the dough, divorce is a poor relation. Let’s face it, divorce doesn’t get half the respect that is reaped upon the marriage vows. For instance, we have bridal showers but no divorce showers, which could come in handy, if you ask me. After all, you end up losing half of your kitchen supplies, linens and furniture in the split.

It wouldn't hurt for someone like Courtney Cox to have a divorce planner.

No divorce planners either. Think how easy it could be! No fuss, no muss because the divorce planner takes care of all the pesky details, like the settlement, drawing up the papers, garnering your ex’s wages if necessary (because he’d rather pay for his girlfriend’s day at the spa than child support). Voila! All you have to do is show up and sign the final decree!

There are no bachelor-again-to-be parties. You can’t place an order for a chocolate raspberry four-tier divorce cake for your Coming Out—Again! party. No divorce bazaars held at the convention center, where you can go and find a good attorney, get some therapy and a much needed massage to relieve you of all the aches, pains and thorns in your side that your spouse gave you. Worst of all, no divorce registries at Pottery Barn—or even Target. Trust me, I could think of at least two dozen items I would have liked to put on that registry.

There is no divorce month. June is for weddings but what’s a good month to sign your divorce papers? For me, it was December. The 7th of December, to be exact, better known as Pearl Harbor Day. A day that will live in infamy, according to FDR.

And where are all the divorce magazines? There are plenty of bridal magazines, but where can I get the latest info, all I need to know about the D word? Martha Stewart is all over weddings. Why can’t she toss us divorcees a bone? Actually, there is one magazine devoted to divorce, aptly called Divorce Magazine, but it’s only published twice a year. I don’t know about you but I couldn’t wait that long for my next issue. If brides can have a monthly magazine, then surely the rest of us should too. In fact, Brides and Divorce Magazine could be sold together. Two for the price of one. What a deal! Might as well, considering that half of all those brides will be wishing they had a magazine on divorce at some point. And who knows? Maybe having an issue of Divorce Magazine sitting on the coffee table would be just the thing to remind newlyweds that it takes effort to make marriage work.

Divorce. It’s a simple, easy to pronounce, two-syllable word that doesn’t begin to convey the agony, the ripping of your insides that getting a divorce can bring. That, and the realization that your world will never be the same. So come on, Corporate America, make a commercial success out of this opportunity! And maybe, just maybe, it’ll help ease some of the pain.

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