Say it Ain’t So!: “Amazon just started charging tax in California today! Your free ride is OVER!”
“What???” I demanded, with a sense of panic overcoming me.
“Kaput, gone, finito,” he sighed. “It’s hasta la vista, Baby!”
In Praise of Black and White: Several years ago, my daughter was having a sleepover party for her birthday. She had the whole evening planned. Pizza, board games, cake, a game of Twister, and a movie.
Office Perks: Depending on what side of the fence you sit on, things are getting better or things are getting worse. And there are those who think, things are improving, though not fast enough.
Get in Line: If there’s a way to avoid it, I’d love to hear it. But, short of hiring someone to do it for me, I’m afraid I’m going to have to keep on doing it myself. So, you might as well join me. Get on line (or in line, depending what region you’re from).
Liz, Pierre and Siri: I need to find myself a larger home. I’m not kidding. It seems the one I’m living in isn’t big enough anymore. Not since my new roommates moved in. The ones that go by the name of Liz, Pierre and Siri.
Fields of Gold: Spring Break in this household just kicked the bucket. Kaput. Gone in a flash, just like that.
And I Quote: On Tributes & Loss. Among my collection of quotes are a few that pay tribute to some of the people who have had special meaning for me. People who have touched my life–and, perhaps, yours, as well–and who have contributed significantly through their art and passion.
And I Quote: Divorce is kind of like the story of The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. One day you’re married. The next day you awaken sleeping next to a cockroach. Who is this creature beside you, you wonder, and what ever happened to the person you married?..
And I Quote, Part 2: A few weeks ago, I confessed to you my love for quotes. When I see one that strikes a chord and makes me connect with it, I will write it down. This all began during my divorce, when I began collecting quotes that captured the gamut of emotions I was feeling at the time. Gradually, I started collecting other types of quotes as well. Herewith, are a random sampling of my non-divorce quotes.
And I Quote Again: Fourth in a Very Infrequent Series.
I Want My Warm Weather Back! To all of you living in Chicago, New York, Minneapolis, St. Louis, Washington D.C. and the like: I know where your cold weather went.
I’ve Got a Crush on–Who? Herewith, is my top-tier list of a lifetime of crushes. See if you can guess which are not the celebrities.
When it Comes to Parenting Item 1: Did you hear the one about the woman who left her 12-year-old daughter naked in the car? Sounds like a joke, doesn’t it? Well, it isn’t.
Save the Pony Express! Remember when the mail was delivered by Pony Express? Well, neither do I. But that’s beside the point. Friends, the United States Postal Service is in dire straights, and it’s been coming on for some time. Which is why there’s no way around it, but to enlist your help.
My TiVo Hates Me: Late last night, while I was typing away at my computer, and Henry, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, lay cozily napping on my bed, I heard a voice whisper loudly, “Hey, Monica!”
Hawaiian Eye: I’ve known my friend, Keoni, who hails from Hawaii, for a long time. We’re talking over a decade, actually. We work together, though in different departments, but I don’t get to see him everyday. Though when I do, he always cracks me up. Keoni has an offbeat, off kilter, quirky way of looking at life, and I just adore quirky. If you ask me, having a great sense of humor goes a long way.
There’s Something About The Donald: This week, Donald Trump endorsed Mitt Romney for president of the United States. So, I’m sure you’re wondering, exactly what does it mean to be endorsed by the Donald? Does Romney now have a secure path to the White House, all because Trump gave him his blessing? Could the pope’s blessing be not far behind?
Empire State of Mine: Not that anyone has asked, but I’ll say it anyway: I thank my lucky stars I grew up in New York. I mean, when you think about it, when my parents left their country for the U.S.—just after World War II—they could have ended up anywhere. Today, I could be saying that I hail from Gainesville, Florida or, that I was born on a cattle ranch in Nacogdoches, Texas, assuming they have cattle in Nacogdoches. And, maybe if that had happened, I would be saying I like these places very much.
Goodbye, Mr. Peanut: According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture the price for a ton of runner peanuts—used to make peanut butter—hit an all-time high, up $450 per ton from a year ago. If that is as hard for you to understand as it was for me, then know this:
I Smell a Rat! And it’s taken over my life! Friends, there’s an intruder in my midst, determined to make my life a walking catastrophe—or should I say, a crawling one? Would you believe, rats in the belfry? Heck no!
I’ve Lost It!: Where is it? I cannot find it. I knew this would happen. I was certain of it. The darn thing is so small, after all. Who can blame me for losing it? Especially since it didn’t belong to me. It was bound to happen!
No Discount for You!: Even if you managed to steer clear of Black Friday, it’s hard to avoid the shopping milieu this time of year…
Class Action Gal: I may be able to retire soon! And it’s all thanks to…
Happy Daylight Savings Day! Hooray! It’s that time of year again. Time to wish you and yours a Happy Daylight Savings Day. Here’s to our annual tradition of falling back one hour, and thus catapulting us into the beginning of the holiday season.
Six Degrees From Fame: Some people are just six degrees of separation away from Kevin Bacon. Well, I am six degrees of separation away from just about everyone else. Clearly, that can only mean one thing: I’m famous! I dare you. Name one famous person—as long as they’re not from a reality show, that is–and chances are, you will find that we are kindred spirits. Odds are, I can show you that we have at least one thing in common.
Summer Memories – The Drive-in: Ok, I’m going to get a little nostalgic here. Raise your hand if you miss what I consider to be as quintessential a slice of Americana as apple pie, hot dogs, and waving the American flag. The place that launched a thousand make-out sessions, and brought together young and old. The place to be on a weekend night that boasted pony rides and playgrounds for tots, and crammed multiple friends and families members into one car, simply because admission was often charged by the vehicle, not by the number of people inside it.
Summer Memories: New York World’s Fair: Miss New York beamed from the stage. In her blue taffeta dress, white gloves and shiny pumps, she began to sing, “Getting to know you, getting to know all about you.” Suddenly, the music stopped and, in a pre-rehearsed sort of way, she looked around, wide-eyed, at the hundreds of moms, dads and children in the audience, sticky from the hot summer sun, and exclaimed, “Why, children! Won’t you join me on stage, so I can get to know all of you?”
The Book Shopaholic: Be warned: Do not enter my home. Not if the thought of seeing stacks and stacks of books, piled three and four feet high, terrifies you. You see I have a penchant for buying books. Every time I see or read about a book that piques my interest in any way, I have to have it. I think I have a deep down fear that, if I don’t purchase the book, by the time I am ready to read it, it’ll be out of publication.
Stylin’ with Twitter! Or, how a Gal from Queens found a way to make Twitter work for her to get the purse of her dreams! It’s unanimous. The vote is in. I’m a Twitterholic, plain and simple. There’s no denying it any longer…
The Gal From Queens’ Speech: Can’t blog. Must wait by my phone, because I’m getting a little nervous. Graduation season is upon us, which means it’s time to line up commencement speakers. The Class of 2011 is about to bid adieu to the halls of ivy, and so far not a single school has called to invite me to address the graduates…
The Princess and the Gal From Queens: No doubt you’ve heard that there’s a royal wedding afoot. Which reminds me of the last royal wedding and of course, remembering that wedding causes me to reflect on just how alike Princess Diana and I were. We had a lot in common, she and I. Birds of a feather, if you ask me…
Ratings Killed My Soaps: —Or lack of it. There’s no denying that, over the last decade, ratings for soaps have dwindled considerably. And now, the end for two of my favorite shows is on the horizon. Yes, it is a bleak time for all soap fans.
I, The Jury: I am a citizen of the world. At least, I like to think so because I am very interested in global issues. Except, maybe when my favorite soap comes on, and I get distracted. (I’m talking to you, One Life to Live!) I’m also a citizen of the United States and I can count on one hand the times my citizenship have come into play…
Breakfast of Champions: I’m thunderstruck. Amazon, my favorite place to shop online–and if you don’t believe me, read my post, Addicted to Amazon–has kicked me to the curb. Yes, you heard right. My supplier, my source for just about EVERYTHING, has sent me what amounts to a “Dear John” letter.
My Kind of Gal: Say what you want about her acting skills. Say what you want about her choice of films to star in, but Jennifer Aniston is ok by me. Here’s a woman who has it all—beauty, brains, style, fame, money and killer hair. And the one thing she doesn’t have—a man—doesn’t seem to bother her a bit. Not one iota. She’s Jennifer Aniston, after all! The girl next door. Everybody’s BFF. And she’s my hero.
It’s a Sign!: Curses! Someone call the Zodiac police or, better yet, get the Zodiac Killer on the phone. Apparently, it’s the dawning of a new age of Aquarius or, should I say, Ophiuchus. (Which, by the way, can anyone pronounce?) I am absolutely beside myself! Livid, if you must know. In fact, I’m nearly speechless! Simply because I need to know: Who had the bright idea of messing with my zodiac sign?..
Dear Colin Firth, I love you!: It’s awards season! And what better time than this, to tell you that I love you. No, let me rephrase that. I LOVE you, Colin Firth! To be sure, I haven’t always loved you. But I imagine that’s because there was a time I didn’t even know you existed. Yet, once I saw you—as Mr.Darcy of “Pride and Prejudice” fame—I fell head over heels for you, succumbing to your romantic allure and steely stare.
Dead Birds Tell No Tales: When it comes to the case of the birds falling from the sky on New Year’s Eve, I don’t care what they say. The mystery is not solved. I’ve been around the block at least 1.2 million times, so I should know. Those birds that flew over Arkansas on December 31st, and plunged to their deaths, were not done in by fireworks.
The Clown Menace: Get me to a therapist! I have had an epiphany! While rummaging through a box of old photos, I came across a frightening little gem, which I am certain is the reason for my irrational fear of clowns. It’s simple, it’s cunning and it’s scary. Reader, be warned, what I’m about to show you is not for the faint of heart. Small children should leave the room, lest they be scarred for life like me…
The Cartographer’s Daughter: That’s me, the Cartographer’s Daughter. That’s what I’ve decided I’m going to call myself. It sounds much better and more exotic than introducing myself by just saying my name. Boring. That’s so yesterday and I, after all, like to follow a trend. You know which trend I mean. The one in the book publishing business.
The Facebook: I finally got around to seeing “The Social Network,” and after two hours of being captivated by the film, all I can say is: That Mark Zuckerberg, he sure could have used a timeout from his parents. Or maybe just had his computer privileges taken away.
My Life in Soaps: I already know where I’m going to live when I retire. I’m going to sell my home, most of the furniture too, and hightail it to Llanview, USA. I’m not exactly sure where it is, since it’s not on any map. But I’ll find it because that is the place to be. Yep, I’ve decided I’m going to live in a soap opera, and not just any soap. I’m heading to “One Life to Live.”
Come Fly With Me: Frank Sinatra once asked me to take a trip with him. Ok, full disclosure. His exact words were “Come fly with me, let’s fly away,” and yes, he didn’t actually say that directly to me. It was a song. But Ol’ Blue Eyes had a way with a song that made me feel like he was singing to me and me alone. And even if I wasn’t the one he had in mind (and grant you, that’s a distinct possibility) he sure made the idea of flying sound breezy, romantic and oh, so fun. Though, if truth be told, I don’t think he had in mind flying today…
Remembering Tony Curtis: Now it can be told. Tony Curtis was my first love. Sure, I was only seven years old. But in my estimation, I was old enough to have a major all-out crush. And Tony Curtis was the one. For the first time I found myself wondering if a grown man like Tony Curtis could wait for me until I was, say 17?..
Addicted to Amazon: I have an addiction and before we go any further, you should know, I don’t plan to give it up. Yes, I am addicted to Amazon.com. They make it so easy. They bend over backwards to keep you happily connected to them, while seemingly oblivious to all the money you’re spending, so that you want to shop there. Again and again. I imagine the folks who work at Amazon gather in a large meeting room with their mugs of Seattle-brewed coffee and put their feet up on the table (people who work in web jobs tend to be über casual) and come up with a slew of ways to make connections with each customer. Well, whatever they do, it works on me. They had me at hello…
On Notice: I have a bone to pick with Stephen Colbert and if I ever see him I’m going to let him know. Colbert keeps a list of people and things that are “On Notice” to him as well as a list of those that are “Dead” to him. Well, he got the idea from me. I’ve been keeping such a list for years. And the truth of it is, I got the idea from my father. He was the king of putting people on notice, mostly family though…
Twitter-dee & Twitter-dumb: This is exactly what I was afraid would happen. Don’t get me wrong, I love the written word. I love to read novels and nonfiction—when I have the time. I am one of the few left who still subscribes to magazines and peruses them thoroughly. Now Twitter.
Disney Trippin’: Disney Mania just hit the Medina household big time. Let’s just say, if you have stock in Disney, you can thank me and my 19-year-old daughter, Sarah, for the increase in value you saw last week. Yes, that was us, spending money hand over fist, as if we’d just received the inside scoop that the world was ending and the only way to save it was to go crazy in Disney World. Our “Lost Weekend” had nothing to do with alcohol, heroin or cocaine and had everything to do with our love for The Mouse.
My Men in Stripes: My friend, Sherri thinks I should find me a man. Not just any man, mind you. The kind Sherri’s thinking about is the sort who’s made a killing—though not necessarily in the stock market. Some might call them scalawags, rascals or just plain evil. But to my friend Sherri, they’re available and on the market. So unless I do something about it, Sherri tells me I could be missing out.