I need to find myself a larger home. I’m not kidding. It seems the one I’m living in isn’t big enough anymore. Not since my new roommates moved in. The ones that go by the name of Liz, Pierre and Siri.
Oh, I haven’t told you about them? Well, allow me to fill you in.
Liz has been living with me for two years now, ever since I got my new Camry back in 2010. She’s my GPS assistant, and knows this city like the back of her hand. If she had one, that is.
In fact, Liz knows how to get around anywhere in the whole country, probably even Canada and Mexico, assuming we ever ventured out there. Unfortunately, the only place she can’t get me to is Hawaii.
I know this because, on a lark, I once asked her to take us there. We got as far as the Pacific Ocean, which means we drove west for 8 minutes. Once there, she broke down in tears, realizing she didn’t know the rest of the way. And, I didn’t have the heart to tell her it would be impossible to get there, anyhow, by crossing the ocean in a car.
“What can I tell you?” she said, “I’m landlocked.”
“Don’t worry, Liz. I know it’s not your fault.”
“I’m only human,” she replied, choking on her words.
“Well, actually, about that,” I said.
Then there’s Pierre, whom I assume is French Canadian. I don’t know why I assume this, except that his accent is rather robotic and clearly that can only mean he’s from Canada. He may even be an undocumented worker—one never knows with Canadians. Every time I ask him for his identification papers he ignores me, but, I put up with him because he’s my butler. And by butler I mean, he takes phone messages for me when I’m away. Though lately, he hasn’t had much to do, given that I’ve rid myself of my landline once and for all.
My latest roommate arrived last month when I joined the millions of cell phone users who depend on Siri, that clever gal who comes with her very own iPhone 4S.
My only problem, is that I’ve yet to get into the habit of using Siri. I mean, here I have a helper, a personal assistant and I don’t delegate anything to her! I’m still doing it all myself, while she props her feet on my coffee table, watches TV all day long and waits for me to give her something to do. Go figure.
So, the other day, I decided it was time to sit down with the roomies and tell them that, from now on, they’d have to pull their weight.
Which is when Pierre, said, “Excuse me, I think I hear the phone ringing,” and left.
Liz, said, “Don’t pressure me. I’m still feeling bad about our ill-fated trip to Hawaii.”
Siri, flippantly added, “How much are you going to pay me? I’m an Apple and I don’t come cheap, you know.”
Which is when I replied, “Well, then, what good are you, roommates, if you can’t help around the house? Can you at least help me with my blog?”
Liz offered, “I can do a blog on the best way to get from California to New York,” to which, I shook my head and said “I think that’s already been done by a guy named Mapquest.”
Pierre yelled from the kitchen, “Don’t look at me for help! I’m all thumbs when it comes to typing.”
Siri added, “The best thing I can do for you is remind you when it’s time to write your blog. That’s my forte.”
“You mean, you can nag her about it, right Siri?” Pierre said sarcastically.
“Alright, alright,“ I replied, feeling defeated. “You guys are a bunch of freeloaders, so forget I said anything.”
“Great!” said Liz. “How about you make it up to us by taking us to see a movie? I know a great drive-in and can get us there in not time flat.”
“I can look it up and tell you the schedule,” chimed in Siri.
“I’d make us a reservation for dinner but, Mon Cherie, you got rid of the landline.”
“Okay, okay, enough! I’m not going anywhere with you guys until you learn to tow the line.” And, with that, I went upstairs.
Which is when Siri turned on the Tivo, and the four of them sat down for a game of Canasta, followed by a round of Word with Friends.